I recently asked for ideas on my Facebook page, Bipolar2Happiness, of what to address, or questions some of my readers might have. This is a post to address the first question. I was going to answer them both but 715 words later I realized it would have to be done in two posts. So stay tuned for the second post. I hope this answers your question or helps you understand in anyway. Feel free to contact me with any questions at [email protected] .
First question is:
When did you know you had this condition and what kinds of symptoms were you having?? I have two teens at home and I am thinking they both have this disorder.
My struggle with depression has been since I was very young, as far back as I can remember. It was always this way for me unhappy, lonely, sad etc. All the fun stuff that comes with depression. As I got into my teens I had completely withdrawn from life but I had started to have outbursts. I had one friend in high school and I smacked her face more than once because she was laughing loudly, it just happened. It was strange and I felt horrible but I was angry inside and that is how it was coming out. She is still my friend today and she is a great friend to me. In high school I also had an outburst in my Spanish class, a kid was bumping my desk with the empty desk between him and I, I told him to stop but he didn’t, next thing I knew I had gotten up and screamed at him to stop and I flung that desk across the room. Thank god I didn’t hit anyone. Needless to say he saw the crazy in my eyes and never bothered me again.
I also started fighting with my mother, she was mean, just plain mean to us as kids and I was getting tired of it. I remember she hit me or something and I turned around with my fist up ready to hit her. I was shocked, thankfully she said to me,”go ahead hit me.” and that was enough for me not to do it, defiant teenager! I had to keep catching myself when she would hit me or throw something at me. I also started hitting walls, hurting my hand and making wholes. I kicked through a door as well. These mood shifts would come on quickly but I was severely depressed. I was overly emotional and sensitive. I had terrible anxiety as well. Never did anything alone and that progressed into being unable to leave my home at about 18 yrs of age. I was only able to leave for work, but if I needed to go anywhere else I couldn’t do it.
You can imagine as I got older I began to have more trouble with Rage! The littlest of things would set me off, a fight with my boyfriend, someone cutting me off in traffic. Oh yes and lets talk about the fast driving. I on average drove 90 to 100 mph every time I got on the freeway. It made me happy, like a release of sorts. I was a good driver so never had an accident or caused an accident. I also am very empathetic, I have been told I am possibly Clairsentient. Which is where you can feel what others feel as if it is your own feeling, and you know things that people have never told you. People also tend to be drawn to you and to tell you all their feelings. This causes a lot of negativity in your mind and life. I also had times that I was so happy it was infectious, jokes flying, laughing loudly, speaking very fast, breathing hard, excited all the time, lots of energy.
So by my 30’s after having two kids my rages were out of control. We were all miserable and I was mistreating my little girls as well as anyone around me. When they were infants it wasn’t an issue but once they were toddlers I started getting mean. I would fly into rages over nothing and felt I had no control. I felt as if someone or something had control of me and I was floating above unable to control myself and stop. I always felt horribly remorseful but didn’t always remember what I had done or said. Rages seem to do that to me. I was still having those high moods as well, I would have lots of energy and drove people nuts but I was fun! (Hypo-mania) That was when I went for help. I knew it wasn’t the real me and I set out to find out what was wrong. Many years later here I am, lots of therapy, doctors appointments and medicines, and doing pretty well. Living happily now! Diagnosed Bipolar II.
Keep in mind these symptoms are my symptoms there are many different symptoms different people can have. We are all unique. I would suggest you do as much research or learning as you can then go to a doctor and discuss the symptoms openly and honestly. They can’t help you if you don’t tell them everything. Keep a log of symptoms and questions as well. You must be proactive in your treatment!
Here is a list of general symptoms for bipolar disorder taken from NIMH:
|Symptoms of mania or a manic episode include:||Symptoms of depression or a depressive episode include:|