Bipolar2Happiness » relationships

Mental Illness and Family Support or Lack of it

Family Support, Mental Health, Relationships No Responses »

Sep 252012

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I have spoken to and listened to a lot of people as of late that have NO support from their families in their diagnosis of Mental illness. At first I couldn’t believe it, then I realized I too was one of those that didn’t have the support of my close family, husband especially.

Let me explain; I was in my early 30′s when I realized just how miserable and out of control I was and that it wasn’t me. Something was wrong. I set out on the path of looking for help. My husband was annoyed by this and this is when our relationship really began to crumble. I was no longer seeing my mother because she caused some real problems for me where being happy was concerned. I saw my father infrequently. My husband got increasingly annoyed with the time I was spending learning about my illness and how I had submerged myself in what I had to do to stop the madness. He wasn’t happy with me getting better but at the time I thought it was just jealousy that he wasn’t getting enough attention. As it turned out my ex is a victim of life, a victim of anything that happens to anyone, everything is about him. Well if I got better that wouldn’t fit his purpose in life. He gave absolutely no support and harassed me about counseling, made fun of me and even blamed everything on me and my illness. I kept going for my girls.

Broken Father Daughter Relationship ♥

Bipolar 2, Depression, Mental Health, Relationships No Responses »

Feb 142012

If you have read some of my other posts about my oldest daughter and her father you will understand this one. If not read through A Broken Relationship.. Father and Daughter.

It’s Valentines day today! My oldest daughter texts me from school as she was upset and needed to come home. I told her to go to the nurse and have her call me and I would come get her. She suffers from Bipolar II disorder, heavy on the depression and I knew this morning she wasn’t feeling happy. There are too many bad feelings bouncing back and forth between her and her father and it has gone on way too long. Continue reading »

Her 13th Birthday…

Grateful, Happiness, Relationships No Responses »

Feb 082012

Where did the time go, how did my baby get to be 13 already. No way it has been 13 years since the day she was born into this world and became the love of my life!

Ugh well it seems it has been 13 years and she has grown into a beautiful, caring thoughtful young lady! She has her struggles with the depression and anxiety but under it all she is a lovely young lady! She will help you with anything on a moments notice, she loves to be part of everything. She is happy and funny, almost all the time. Sure she has a ‘teenage’ attitude but she is supposed to at this point. When you point it out and tell her it is not acceptable she stops and apologizes most of the time. Wink

Her grades are good and she has a ton of friends. She loves each one of them for who they are! She is a social butterfly! She loves to go off-roading with her Dad and drives the cars around the desert. She is fearless and loving all at once! Unfortunately, the fearless part keeps her injuring herself but so far not too seriously! She is a frequent fly-er at the Urgent Care, they know her well! Surprised

Most of all she still likes to cuddle on the couch and watch television and I get to lay in bed with her sometimes before she goes to sleep. She will always be my baby, no matter how old she gets! Smile

So here is to you Jessi, Happy 13th Birthday! May every year bring you Love, Happiness and Joy!!

I love you!

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Trash in my Life that I Didn’t Invite in…

Relationships 6 Responses »

Feb 012012

This blog is kind of therapy for me so here is another rant, in a sense, that I need to get out. I need to stop trying to understand these kind of people.

I’m here tonight on the 1st of February, 2012. Being told by my ex (actually his wife is texting me) that he doesn’t have to pay me the child support on the first of the month and that he has at least 5 days to get it to me. Why would there be a court order that says he has to pay it on the first if he didn’t have to pay it on the first?

He is telling me to come get the check if I want it today and he lives 3 minutes from me. He refuses to deliver it like he is supposed to. I had to call him on the 2nd of January late in the day to ask him if he was planning on paying me. He knows I can’t pay rent with out it! This is the work of his lovely wife (sarcasm there). The woman who has run off my oldest and caused her to refuse to see her father, destroyed my child’s relationship with her father. Encouraging him to not take responsibility for anything, not even paying his support for his kids on time.

Now this woman is the trash he cheated with (she was married as well) and has treated my children like crap . Has caused so many problems for them and she is telling him not to pay me… And he listens to her?? I’m so tired of dealing with nasty trashy people in my life that I did not invite in. I didn’t marry her or divorce her but she is in the fat middle of everything doing nothing but causing trouble. Says nasty things to my kids about me and thinks I should be willing to deal with her on any level. I am not and will not deal with her, she got the Boobie prize, she should be happy but obviously isn’t.

They treat everyone this way and are horrible to people so I know I’m not special I just get tired of it. It doesn’t really even anger me anymore I’m just tired of it! I am so grateful that my life is not that life now, my divorce was the best thing that happened since my kids were born. I have met a sincerely nice caring man and he is a ray of bright sunshine in my life. He listens to me and gives me advice he has even offered to lend me the money so I could pay rent and then repay him when I get the money from my ex. I said no of course as it’s my problem but he means it, he would do it in a heartbeat. What a sweet guy! My bright ray of warm sunshine in my life!

Our character is but the stamp on our souls of the free choices of good and evil we have made through life. ~John C. Geikie

Reputation is for time; character is for eternity. ~J. B. Gough

Quotes from Inspirational Quotes

Image: Pixomar / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Packing, Moving and Boat Show?

Happiness, Relationships, Thankful 4 Responses »

Jan 292012

Wow had an exhausting and Fun weekend!!

My mom decided to move which you already know if you read some of my other posts. She is living out-of-town and caring for an elderly woman, which she is really good at, has compassion for elderly people. She came in town thursday evening, and Friday morning, my oldest daughter and I went to start helping her pack. We had Friday and Saturday to pack and load the trailer. Sunday my brother was coming to drive the trailer out to her new place and unload it. My mom has a ton of stuff so it was quite a job but we did it, also with the help of my Youngest daughter and then Carl came Saturday afternoon and absolutely rescued us. He helped us move the heavier items like the washer and dryer etc. He is my Hero on so many levels. We were so tired that it would have taken us forever to get it all done.

Even tho packing was hard work and we are all exhausted it was nice to spend two straight days with my girls.

Today, Sunday we went to the boat show! My first boat show by the way! I was in awe of some of these boats, and Yachts! They were huge and gorgeous, with every option you can imagine. Gorgeous is the only word that fits. It was a beautiful warm sunny San Diego day! Being on the water looking at these boats was an amazing experience Carl was mesmerized by the boats and he wants one so badly! I know he will eventually have one but he wants to buy a house first. After the boat show we went to eat at a restaurant called Joe’s Crab Shack, some of you may know it!!

I love doing this stuff with Carl, it’s so nice to be experiencing different things in town!! I have lived my entire life here and not ever been to a boat show! Being so comfortable with Carl really lets me appreciate the things we do together.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Image: Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thoughts about my Childhood Relationship with my Father…

Happiness, Heart Felt, Relationships 2 Responses »

Dec 142011

Tonight I am thinking about the difficult relationship I had with my father when I was my daughters ages. By age of 16 I no longer saw him and really resented that he was never there for us, or never present.

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The last two days have been extremely trying with my teenage girls and their father. Their father tends to return them to my house and refuse to answer their calls and texts when they do something wrong but then he blames me for turning them against him and not letting them come with him… Yep sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it?? I think it is nuts!! How am I responsible for not making them go with their father when he refuses to come get them and drops them back home when they are nasty to him and he doesn’t want to deal with it. I don’t know why he thinks I enjoy dealing with it but he keeps doing it.

Then he texts me that it’s horrible I have turned the girls against him and refuse to make them go with him and he is taking me back to court etc.. I’m usually dumb founded by these contacts from him but whatever.. Anyway, all this crap has made me think about the difficult relationship I had with my father and what that role may have played with me picking my now ex-husband to have children with… hmmm right?

Lets compare them…

Both Hunters
Both unhappy people
Both suffer from depression and other issues
Both are drinkers
Both are very selfish
Neither of them seem to have any parenting skills
Neither seem able to truly love another person and put them first
Neither can communicate successfully in relationships
Both opinionated and always right
Both rarely take responsibility for their life choices
Neither are willing to deal with difficult subjects
Both made their wives/ex-wives raise the children alone (even when still together)
Both were angry about paying child support and give as little as possible
Both tend to lie to make themselves look better to others
Both Blame others for their life issues
Both were controlling as husbands although in different ways
Both were more concerned with what they want in life and not what is best for their kids

I think I married my father… Is that possible after years of struggling for his attention and wanting a relationship with him. Did I actually pick someone just like him??

I had so many dreams for my girls and their relationship with their father. I was sure he would be a good dad even though I raised his son, that was 1-year-old when we got together. I don’t know what I was thinking I really thought he loved his son completely and was a good dad, but when I look back that’s not what I see. Hind site is truly 20/20!!

I have come to believe I chose this man because I still wanted approval from my father (any man works at that stage) that I never got and never will get! I wish at 19 years old we had a Quarter of the sense we have at 40 years old! Would have saved a lot of unhappiness!!

I am happy to be free of that unhealthy relationship but I didn’t realize my girls have that same unhealthy relationship with their father that I did. Why? Because of the person he is and always will be. It is sad!

The father daughter relationship (in my opinion) sets the stage for every relationship a girl has with a man. I’m so glad I have finally learned to accept who people are, respect myself and they must respect me as well!

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“The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.” Herbert Spencer quotes (British social Philosopher, 1820-1903)

photostock‘s portfolio is:

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Another One of “Those Days”….

Anxiety, Bipolar 2, Depression, Fear, Relationships 8 Responses »

Nov 302011

Today turned out to be a stressful day. It seems that the pressures of my life and my dysfunctional mind is really getting to me.

If you have read my other stuff you can probably see that I put undue pressure on myself. Especially where it comes to helping others! Well I help anyone with almost anything whether it fits into my life or not…and once again another friend let me down. Wasn’t the end of the world but it really left me hurt and depressed. No need to get into it now!

I don’t usually expect people to return favors of any kind, I find it easier to not expect it but when you are a good friend to someone and you help them with a lot, it can really let you down when they don’t think of you. Especially at this time of the year!

I expect someone, I call a friend, to actually be a friend to me on a similar level I am to them. Lesson learned, people are who they are and you can’t give them more credit than they deserve, lower your expectations and you won’t be hurt. ♥♥♥

I had a major melt down today! My friend let me down and it hurt me and then I talked to my mother. She is fighting with her landlord and is sure he will be telling her to move, but she thinks he is being extra nasty now to try to drive her out so he doesn’t have to evict her. Keep in mind my mother is living on 930.00 a month, you can’t get an apartment for that bit much less anything else. Her and I have always had a difficult relationship. Today she tells me she is going to confront the landlord and ask him if he is going to make her move. I freaked I said, “Oh, no you won’t. listen I can’t take you in now I have enough going on I can’t make my rent and we don’t get along.” I kept telling her don’t you dare, you ride this out till we can figure out where your moving to.” She says she is planning on living in her car. That conversation continued till she got really mad and said, in a nasty tone, I will talk to you later I’m sure your busy, or something like that. :(

My daughter is home sick I’m worried about her.. waiting to hear from her father who is asking his doctor if he will see her as my doctor is not open today. Then I get a text from his new wife telling me he isn’t available and to try not to get mad that she is texting me. Too Late! So I had to get her out of bed and get her dressed to leave.

Then I get a call from a creditor, yes my bills are behind because of my limited income. Not an easy time for me. Kills me to pay things late. But to go a bit further I’m also short for rent that is due on the first about 75.00 short. I have turned in all my recycling and took the coins to the bank but still, I’m short. This really scares me, I have to pay rent or I might lose it!!

My partner on the website is attempting to talk to me and I have all this on my mind and can’t concentrate can’t remember my passwords or even my name as all I can think of is whats going on around me and my finances. Swirling Bipolar Mind!!

Left the doctor, thankfully my daughter isn’t seriously ill and he gave her antibiotics that will hopefully help her. I have her call her dad on the way home to tell him the outcome of the doctor appointment, he tells her that during work he had an accident. He is a truck driver for a large company, delivers equipment. Sounds like his fault and the company he works for has been looking for a reason to fire him so I am assuming he will lose his job. Which means NO Insurance for the kids, and where is the child support going to come from that I rely on each month. Not to speak of the medicine costs and doctors visits that are required due to our mental health issues.

Ok so you can see my mind is swirling and by the time I was at the high school picking up my daughter, I’m losing it! What do I do? I call my mom thinking I could vent to her as I don’t know who else to call and what does she do?? She complains non-stop about her landlord and issues till I interrupt her and blurt everything out. Not helpful because by the time I got it out and upset my daughter was at the car with her teenage attitude. She immediately tells me in that teenager attitude voice to move my wallet. I’m wound so tight by then that I tell my mom I have to go and hang up. Then my daughter says, “whats your problem?” This is great… I continue to rattle off every problem I have from the website and not having enough time to the fact that we can’t make rent and we have no milk..LOL :( Poor kid I dumped it all out in the car and she didn’t know what to do… She just sat quietly.

Do you hear the wind-up happening??? Oh yes and it gets better… I get home and Carl calls and he immediately asks,”are you ok??” Yep I answered honestly and began to cry. Told him everything that is bothering me and that I’m falling apart. He really didn’t know what to say but he offered me money, I of course said, “No thank you I will work it out.” He is a great guy really. ♥♥ He patiently listened and when I apologized for losing it like that he said well we all do it. I let stuff get to me too and sometimes it just seems like it won’t stop coming at you.

I then recovered and asked him about his day etc and laughed about my breaking down.

I was so upset then I try to sit down to work on the site and blog and I just can’t do it so I tell Sonya I am losing it and have to go. Then I hung out with the kids and made some pizza and here I am. Still stressed and attempting to function.. Oh Happy Holiday Season from a Bipolar mind! :)

You just gotta chuckle at it all don’t ya? ♥

A Broken Relationship.. Father and Daughter

Bipolar 2, Depression, Relationships 8 Responses »

Nov 282011

This was requested by a follower, a little more information on the relationship between my oldest daughter and her father. This is a long post!

This relationship between Samantha and her father has been broken since she heard him on the phone with his girlfriend telling her he loved her while I slept in the other room. She was made to have to wake me and tell me he was on the phone. She was 10 yrs old when this occurred!

Finding her father was cheating on her mother broke her heart and she lost all respect for the man she previously thought the world of, her daddy! This devastated her in many ways. He then began to treat her differently than her sister. Was she more difficult to deal with after that yes, she was angry and disappointed, her vision of her father shattered.

Did he make an effort to heal that relationship? No he did not! He blamed me, her mother, for everything not once in the past 6 years accepting responsibility. Then next thing he did once I moved out of the house to give us both space he brought the girls around this woman. Insisted they accept her, be nice to her and like her. When Samantha was resistant he was mean to her. He at this time was still seeing me and I didn’t know he was seeing her. The kids knew we were working on our relationship and were angered further by this woman’s presence. They did not tell me about it tho, they held it inside and it continued to anger Samantha.

Things naturally got worse between me and their father as I would be at the house and she would call etc.. on Easter that year we spent the day with him and his girlfriend called while i was there. He immediately left the room and had a conversation with her and the neighbors began to let me know when the other woman spent the night, the nights I wasn’t there.

Samantha knew all this because you can’t keep it from them. They listen to everything even things I tried to keep from them they figured out. Samantha’s disappointment and vision of her father continued to deteriorate. Their relationship got worse and he began being really nasty to her. She would tell him she didn’t want to spend the weekend with his girlfriend and he would yell at her at tell her she didn’t feel that way that was coming from her mother. Every time she tried to tell him how she felt he dismissed her feelings. Then that woman moved into the home we were living in as a family before I moved. This house was a rental and there was NO reason he couldn’t have moved. Once again he dismissed how the kids felt.

At every turn Samantha was in trouble for how she felt about the woman and her father and he began to punish her over and over. Then this woman was allowed to be in control in the house and she was mean. Anytime her dad was not in the room she would say horrible things to Samantha. She called her fat, she called her a bitch, she called her spoiled and selfish…this went on and on. Anytime Samantha told her dad he called her a liar and punished her. Her anger grew and grew. He began to act more childish than Samantha, he would say mean things to her. When she would show her anger he would cut her down like his girlfriend did. His girlfriend would go into Samantha’s room and tear it apart and tell her to clean it. Samantha would fight with her and tell her dad and he stood behind the woman no matter what was done or said.

Samantha stopped going to his house around a year and half ago now. He would come to my door to pick up our youngest daughter and would completely ignore Samantha! She would say when he walked away, ‘BYE DAD’ and he would just walk away. He didn’t so much as say hello most of the time. Then once in a while he would be all friendly and she would reject him and he would then be mean to her. He has this look he gives her a very disapproving look and he shakes his head and walks away with out a word. That look does more damage than the nasty words that come out of his mouth. He has continued all this behavior for 6 years now.

At this point he isn’t allowed to come to my door to get my other daughter because the last time he did he got into a screaming match with Samantha in my home. This is my daughters safe zone and I will no longer allow him to abuse her in this space. This is her home and she should feel safe and protected here since she doesn’t feel that way anywhere else.

I have tried for years to help them even got them to go to therapy together but he refuses to meet her half way. He still blames me for his choice to cheat and she can’t stand him now. But we will be driving somewhere and she will break out in tears and say, “Mommy I miss my Daddy.” It breaks my heart!

She will be 16 in December and her father has refused to help pay to have her licensed to drive which cost me $350.00 for the schooling and $33.00 for the Learners Permit. He will not help pay for anything for her and doesn’t interact with her at all. This just makes her hurt deeper and deeper, she doesn’t think he cares and thinks he never did.

She is a shattered girl, her confidence is non-existent and she hates her life. Keep in mind this child has been diagnosed Bipolar2 since she was 8 years old and been treated for depression and anxiety since she was 7. This treatment her father gives her is destroying her, and has made it really challenging to keep her illness under control.

Here I thought we were having a good week…

Depression, Fear, Relationships 4 Responses »

Nov 242011

Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

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OK, so on Tuesday this week I post about how well my week is going with the kids and how happy I am we are having a good time. They are both off school all week and we were enjoying the time, then came Wednesday.

Image via Wikipedia

On Wednesday I set out with the kids to do some window shopping etc.. My oldest just wouldn’t leave my youngest alone and I don’t know how many times I told her to stop it. My youngest couldn’t say the right thing, couldn’t walk the right way, couldn’t stand in the proper spot when we were all looking at something. There was nothing she did that wasn’t follow by a comment or nastiness from her sister. I told her many times, over and over, to stop it and leave her alone and finally I got to where I was telling her to Shut Her Mouth. Did that stop her, oh no! Then she turns on me and starts griping at me, on and on she went and finally I had enough and I blew my top.

So I am marching them through the store, at a fast pace, telling my oldest that I have had it with her, I was so angry. I yell at her all the way home, telling her how out of line she is and how tired I am that she picks on her sister the way she does. All I wanted was to go out and have some fun, just the three of us. I went on and on about how she just refuses to be happy and has to pick at her sister because of how angry she is with her dad and she takes it out on her sister.. I told her if she didn’t get a grip on her behavior she will start spending some time with her dad like it or not etc. I really let rip. I was so angry, but I have to say rightly so…

I was so angry and upset that I went directly home and went to my room slammed the door and proceeded to go to sleep. I just had to escape the anger and sleeping usually does it. My daughter also went to bed, must run in the family!

I slept for over 2 hours and when I got up my youngest daughter had cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and was so proud of herself. She really is a sweet child and wanted to thank me, in her way, for standing up for her. Both my girls are sweet girls, truly nice people. It’s just that my oldest has so many problems with her dad and her relationship with him is damaged, but my youngest has a good relationship with him. So my oldest is jealous and angry for the different treatment they receive. I really do understand her feelings but none of it is her sisters fault and she doesn’t deserve to be punished for how he treats them.

I really just wanted to have some fun together all three of us but my oldest wasn’t going to allow it. Her dad has texted her and she is really angry. I can’t describe how it feels to sit and watch my daughter be destroyed by her father. The damage he has done is deep and hurts to see happen. I have for years tried to work with them both to help aid this relationship but nothing has helped. My heart aches for my child. I can’t stand to see her hurting so deeply. She tells me often how much she misses her daddy, but things will never be the same again! She deserves so much more! ♥ ♥ ♥

I end this hoping that some day her father will see what he is doing to her and sets things right, if it isn’t too late already. She loves ♥ him so much but he keeps making the same mistakes over and over.

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. ~Robert Brault,www.robertbrault.com

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What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest

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If I had my child to raise all over again,

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from “If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”