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New Meds and the End Results

Woman-looking-sad

I wrote recently about trying a new medicine, Latuda. This is a brand new medicine out just over a year or so, they have had good results with it for some patients so I thought I would give it a try. I have struggled this past year to keep myself level and was quickly losing the battle.

The results: When I first started taking this new medicine it perked me up and I had lots of energy but it was like it would create a Hypo-manic feeling. Any of you that have bipolar may know that at first that is a great feeling. I had hope!  When I get like this (hypo-manic) I end in anger usually. I get bitchy and negative and just can’t contain myself and it can turn to rage. I thought just maybe in a bit of time that side effect may lessen so I kept taking it for a week.

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Time for a Bipolar Update

If you have read my other posts you know that I have been in a deep depression for a while now.It took me a while to realize it but I finally did and had posted a couple times about it. It is time again to update you on how things are going and how I am dealing with it.

Since I just published a post about my taking on a new blog, I am sure some of you are wondering if I am in a manic or hypo-manic state. The answer to that would be Yes. When I came out of the depression I headed directly into hypo-mania. Actually a bit of it overlapped each other, I was taking on loads of  new stuff, started a new blog, and even more at home while still feeling depressed. Then I came out of the depression fully and popped right into Hypo-mania. 

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The Energetically Sensitive Soul

On my path of research on Clairsentient, I have found other information.  The energetically image of sun coming through a tree in wintersensitive soul… What does that mean to you??

Well to me it may explain a lot. I have always been overly emotional and at times full of rage. Severe depression most of my life and feeling others feelings or auras. I judge things and people by the feeling I get from them. I say the vibes that come off them, or the energy! How that item or person makes me feel, I can usually tell a good person from a bad person in an instant. I can’t explain how but I just feel it, I also feel needy people and negativity from people that is very hard to handle. This affects me deeply.

I listened to a radio show that intrigued me it was a simple interview but here is the link, if  you are interested go have a listen.

The Aware Show ~ Topic: Understanding Consciousness and the Energetically Sensitive Soul

If you go listen or have anything to add please leave me a comment.. :)

I will be writing another post on the clairsentient research soon, so watch for it. 

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Info About my Bipolar Symptoms….

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

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Have you ever felt like someone or something else was in control of your actions?  Have you ever had,what I describe as ‘out of body’ Rages? 

I can tell you that I have and so many times over the years that I can’t remember them all.  Many times I knew I had been in a Rage but didn’t remember what I had done while in it.   Then there were times that I was so in a Rage that I felt as if I was floating above myself and watching me do these horribly mean things, mainly I said horrible stuff and was very scary!  These Rages started when I was about 19, I was always very depressed, emotional and had a feeling of an emotional tornado churning inside me.  That Tornado as I call it was Anger, Rage, Bipolar2 symptoms.

At the time I had no clue what was going on with me and I was really withdrawn from life, but I was determined to be part of life.  I wanted what everyone wanted a Family to love and Happiness!   I was like most people I thought something was going to MAKE  me HAPPY.  Until I was in my 40′s I had no idea it was up to me to just BE HAPPY.

Back to my symptoms from 19 yrs old on…  a touch of Agoraphobia, I absolutely couldn’t leave my apartment alone with out 45 min of pacing and crying and talking to myself.  It was a major fight, thankfully I am a determined person or I wouldn’t have gotten through that time.  I remember getting out of the house after my 45 min fight with unreasonable fears and I would head to the gas station and drive through it three times unable to stop.  The fear was crippling I would shake and tear up, it is overwhelming when this happens.  I was so angry with myself because why couldn’t I stop and get gas like everyone else? why must I have someone with me?? It made no sense to me!  OK, so you get the picture it was unbelievably exhausting.  You can imagine that affected me every time I had to leave the house except for work as my job was a safe haven for me.  There were many days I didn’t leave the house at all. 

Then there were the times that I would be with Tania and she would be laughing and happy and I would literally smack her.  It was so annoying but I had no idea why or have any control over it.  I smacked her face even in the hallways in high school because she was laughing and being loud.  It was strange to me and I had no idea why it kept happening.  Tania never even got mad at me she actually would laugh harder, and I would be crying because I felt horrible about it.  She loved me anyway tho even when I smacked her for no reason on more than one occasion.  Tania taught me a lot about love and acceptance.  

At night I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night.  I was super emotional I talked to myself, cried and yelled at my mom it was an emotional nightmare.  Years of pent-up emotions just flowed like a rushing river!  Honestly it was confusing to me but ended up being great therapy.  I worked hard to get through that time and kept challenging my fears by leaving the house.  The only thing I could think of, I really needed a doctor but had no insurance.

I also had an issue with sweating if I got nervous I would sweat off the top of my head and it dripped down my face and was super embarrassing.  It would make me flee where ever I was and want to hide.  If I didn’t by the time I left where I was my hair would be visibly WET.  Stuck down to my head like I had just gotten out of the shower.  I was so embarrassed! 

The level of depression was so deep that at the end of the day I was exhausted and could barely get up in the morning.  Depression just zaps all your energy and all your drive.  The overwhelming sadness and low energy with the unreasonable level of anxiety and fears is exhausting.

I have no idea how I kept up with fighting the fears with my depression so high but I kept fighting.  It’s so important to keep fighting whether you feel like you can or not.. Just fight it and then realize Happiness is a choice..

I know that sounds corny but it’s so true, I realized that as I stated in an  earlier post… when I was around 40, I heard this voice say to me HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE, JUST CHOOSE IT!  It was really strange to me but I was compelled by it.  With some work I began to realize that voice was right!! I had to change thought processes tell myself to stop saying bad things to myself but after some months or more I felt happy inside something I had never felt before!!  Then I realized good things started to happen around me.  I met a man who asked me out and we have dated for a year even tho I have been split from my husband since 2006, I didn’t date anyone till I met Carl in 2010…..

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A Bad Day a More Current Post…

Angry Penguin

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Alright.. I was reading another Bipolar blog post today.. and she said something that struck me.  It was something like, her being tired of all this happy sunshine crap, no one is perfect and it seem disingenuous as we all have a bad day!  

I am just going to share my imperfectness, although I am generally a happy person yesterday was a Bipolar day! 

Yesterday I go out to my car in the afternoon after not driving it all day and I find damage to the bumper and white paint on the neighbor’s front bumper.  No note, no knock on the door nothing!  I flipped out!  Went and rang the door bell of the neighbor many times until she answered the door and I greet her with, “Which one of you hit my car today and didn’t bother to leave a note or knock on my door?” Said Angrily!!  She seemed to have no idea what i was talking about as it is her husband’s car that is parked there today.  Did that stop me, NOPE! I continued to get more angry and was down right mean.  Then I leave to take the kids to the store and return to drop them off and she comes out and It got worse. :( 

I went off on her as she was making excuses for her husband saying he must not have known he did it etc.. I still don’t believe he didn’t know, but I rant and rave and got in her face.(according to my kids) I don’t remember it that way.  Then the manager of the complex we are living in calls me today and tells me I was bullying the neighbor etc.. I argued the point cause honestly I had no idea how bad I was, but when the kids got out of school I asked them about it and my youngest said i wasnt being a bully but my oldest said, “You do owe her an apology, I don’t think you realize how in her face you were.”  Very sad moment :( 

I have been stable for a long while and I know my mood hasn’t been good but I had no idea how out of control it is.. so I will be talking to my Psychiatrist about meds this month. :(  Haven’t had to change meds for years, but I think it is time! :(

My true personality, minus the bipolar swings, is a nice person who wouldn’t want to hurt anyone or scare anyone… so I’m really disappointed today!  I have hand written a note to them and will place it on their door as I’m sure they wont answer the door to me after yesterday. 

Bottom line… I feel like a heel, and am very embarrassed!  How do I make it up to them? 

 

 

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