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Have you ever felt like someone or something else was in control of your actions? Have you ever had,what I describe as ‘out of body’ Rages?
I can tell you that I have and so many times over the years that I can’t remember them all. Many times I knew I had been in a Rage but didn’t remember what I had done while in it. Then there were times that I was so in a Rage that I felt as if I was floating above myself and watching me do these horribly mean things, mainly I said horrible stuff and was very scary! These Rages started when I was about 19, I was always very depressed, emotional and had a feeling of an emotional tornado churning inside me. That Tornado as I call it was Anger, Rage, Bipolar2 symptoms.
At the time I had no clue what was going on with me and I was really withdrawn from life, but I was determined to be part of life. I wanted what everyone wanted a Family to love and Happiness! I was like most people I thought something was going to MAKE me HAPPY. Until I was in my 40′s I had no idea it was up to me to just BE HAPPY.
Back to my symptoms from 19 yrs old on… a touch of Agoraphobia, I absolutely couldn’t leave my apartment alone with out 45 min of pacing and crying and talking to myself. It was a major fight, thankfully I am a determined person or I wouldn’t have gotten through that time. I remember getting out of the house after my 45 min fight with unreasonable fears and I would head to the gas station and drive through it three times unable to stop. The fear was crippling I would shake and tear up, it is overwhelming when this happens. I was so angry with myself because why couldn’t I stop and get gas like everyone else? why must I have someone with me?? It made no sense to me! OK, so you get the picture it was unbelievably exhausting. You can imagine that affected me every time I had to leave the house except for work as my job was a safe haven for me. There were many days I didn’t leave the house at all.
Then there were the times that I would be with Tania and she would be laughing and happy and I would literally smack her. It was so annoying but I had no idea why or have any control over it. I smacked her face even in the hallways in high school because she was laughing and being loud. It was strange to me and I had no idea why it kept happening. Tania never even got mad at me she actually would laugh harder, and I would be crying because I felt horrible about it. She loved me anyway tho even when I smacked her for no reason on more than one occasion. Tania taught me a lot about love and acceptance.
At night I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night. I was super emotional I talked to myself, cried and yelled at my mom it was an emotional nightmare. Years of pent-up emotions just flowed like a rushing river! Honestly it was confusing to me but ended up being great therapy. I worked hard to get through that time and kept challenging my fears by leaving the house. The only thing I could think of, I really needed a doctor but had no insurance.
I also had an issue with sweating if I got nervous I would sweat off the top of my head and it dripped down my face and was super embarrassing. It would make me flee where ever I was and want to hide. If I didn’t by the time I left where I was my hair would be visibly WET. Stuck down to my head like I had just gotten out of the shower. I was so embarrassed!
The level of depression was so deep that at the end of the day I was exhausted and could barely get up in the morning. Depression just zaps all your energy and all your drive. The overwhelming sadness and low energy with the unreasonable level of anxiety and fears is exhausting.
I have no idea how I kept up with fighting the fears with my depression so high but I kept fighting. It’s so important to keep fighting whether you feel like you can or not.. Just fight it and then realize Happiness is a choice..
I know that sounds corny but it’s so true, I realized that as I stated in an earlier post… when I was around 40, I heard this voice say to me HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE, JUST CHOOSE IT! It was really strange to me but I was compelled by it. With some work I began to realize that voice was right!! I had to change thought processes tell myself to stop saying bad things to myself but after some months or more I felt happy inside something I had never felt before!! Then I realized good things started to happen around me. I met a man who asked me out and we have dated for a year even tho I have been split from my husband since 2006, I didn’t date anyone till I met Carl in 2010…..