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So Much to do, but So Little Motivation

Man do I dislike these times when I have a lot of things I WANT to do but just have no motivation to do them. I just can’t seem to get anything started. So here I am still getting next to nothing accomplished and thought, I am going to share with you all.Medicines

I have a bit of an issue with my medicines. One of them, Welbutrin, can as my doctor says “Key you up”, so if you are taking too much it will/can cause anger or frustration issues. When I was trying to get settled down from this last episode of moods, I decreased the Welbutrin from 300 mg to 150 mg. I have always had a prescription to take 2 a day and they are 150 mg pills.

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Being Honest with My Bipolar Brain

Sad Woman Sitting Alone

So I am sure that most of you have watched me struggle this past year or so with the ups and downs of my illness. I was stable for a long time but that day has come and gone and its time to be honest and fully accept and admit I am not feeling very stable. Such is life with Bipolar Disorder!

I have truly struggled with being honest with myself about how stable or unstable my moods really are. I finally decided it was time to stop struggling and reach out for some real help. I met with my psychiatrist last week after having to move my appointment several times due to being sick, and we are starting on an additional medicine.

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The Parenting of Teens, Drama

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Mother-Daughter-Hugging-a-heart

Image courtesy of DigitalArt/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I love my two girls, both teens, they are special people. They are kind to others and loving beings but the teenage know it all, you don’t understand bologna is getting to me. I noticed a big change in my older daughter when she turned 16. She got her license and is doing well with the driving, but her attitude, wow, way out of line all the time. I know she has no clue what she is doing or saying to me and her sister but she can really make you feel badly. She plays the guilt game rather well and I spent last night eating until I went to bed because her and I got into a fight, I was telling her to stop being so nasty all the time. I know over eating isn’t helping either of us, but it is what I do!

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Just Starting on Medication and Managing your Doctor Appointments

This post is based off a questions one of my readers posed, when I asked if there was anything anyone would like me to discuss. I really enjoy these posts as I can share what I learned over the years of therapy and doctors etc.

The questions is:

I’ve just decided to start getting medication. Do you have recommendations on managing my doctors so that I get what I want out of this experience?

Keep in mind I can only answer this or any question off my experience. I am not a doctor or a therapist.

A Patient Meeting with Therapist

Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

When I first started seeing a psychiatrist I had no clue what I was doing. I was relying on him to remember me, and the medicines we had tried and not tried. Boy was I wrong, this first guy couldn’t keep me straight and I noticed he didn’t pull a file or anything when I came for my visits he didn’t take notes etc. If this happens to you I suggest you think carefully about changing doctors. Red Flag!  This taught me that I needed to take a bit more control of my appointments.

I began to research depression, as that was the major symptom, along with rage and mood swings. The doctor was smart enough to mention Bipolar II. I went online read and read and searched and read. I went to bipolar chat rooms, and different sites that were set up to support people with mental illness.I didn’t do much talking in those chat rooms but I did a lot of observing conversation and learning what others were going through and what medicines they were taking. Then I would research the medicines a bit and gather even more information. In the chat rooms they talked a lot about the side effects of certain medications and that was really helpful.

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A Victory in Finding a New Psychiatrist Through an HMO

I have possible won the struggle with the HMO to get my kids treated by a psychiatrist!? 

Happy Days!!

I am ecstatic!! I just got a call from the HMO (health Insurance) that I was beginning to despise and they set an appointment for one of my girls to see the psychiatrist today!!
If you read my other posts about the new HMO insurance policy you will understand how relieved I am today!!

I will have to update you all this evening when I get home from the appointment… Lets hope it goes well!! :)

So funny but this feels like a Victory for me!! :)  Woo hoo!!!

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Psych Appointment….

I have not posted about my appointments with my doctor before so this is kind of new for me. Just a couple of thoughts I will share today about my appointment with Dr. S.

I dropped the kids off today and ran off to the doctor immediately as my appointments with him are early morning.  Dr. S has two offices one local to me and one a bit far and the one in my area he works in the morning the other in the afternoon.  

It was funny talking to him today because he says how happy he is with how I’m doing and then says you were such a MESS, while shaking his head.  He is actually happy for me and almost giddy. Let me explain something about him… He is a gruff guy, he isn’t personable at all, he keeps his distance and is very business like which some people find odd.  I have always liked him, you can tell he knows what he is doing, and truly even though he is gruff you can see he cares.  Other family members who have met him didn’t take to him the same.  :)  To see Dr. S nearly giddy and giggling about how well I am in comparison to the mess I was 10 yrs ago was a good moment for me.  

This doctor has saved us so much misery I can’t even tell you.  It’s good to see him happy with me. :)  Now, finding out my insurance didn’t pay for June’s and October’s appointment was not fun. Even though I paid the co pays at the time, today I had to shell out $260.00 to get up to date and I could only do that because my tax return is waiting to be deposited on my account and will be in there on Tuesday.  Thank goodness!

It is really hard to believe how miserable I was all that time ago and it is nice to share with Dr. S our accomplishment of straightening me out and helping me be happy!

What a great man to dedicate his life to helping the mentally ill stabilize and do their best! I am Thankful we found him and he can help us the way he has, but I am sad my kids cannot see him any longer.

There is still no resolution to the issues I have with the HMO, they of course have not called me yet and probably won’t. Next week I will be making some calls and laying into someone.  Not looking forward to that… :(  Oh well I must fight for the kids.  :) 

Image of Inspirational stones

To find what you seek in the road of life,
the best proverb of all is that which says:
“Leave no stone unturned.”
~Edward Bulwer Lytton

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My Experience with New Health Insurance…

I am not whining tonight just wanted to update you guys, since I posted about having to get a new psychiatrist for my girls with the new  HMO health carrier (Health Management Organization).  There are two doctors to choose from, really 2 for this entire area??  

I was forced to go to a parent orientation at this HMO, it was a complete waste of time. Then I have to go back upstairs to turn in the huge stack of paperwork I had to fill out for each child. There, I am told the kids have to see a therapist first before they will set an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I said, “Oh no that’s not happening. My kids have been in treatment for years and need to see a psychiatrist and I cannot afford to spend money on therapy at this point.”

The nice woman behind the counter says, “Well I don”t make the rules.”  So I explained we really don’t fit into this system of theirs as the kids have been established in care for a long time, one of them over 10 years and they need to be seen by a psychiatrist and medications refilled.  So after some time repeating my self this nice woman said she would talk to the administrator. Walked away within range for me to see her and walks back and says she can put in a note to talk to the chief of pediatrics to see if they can make an exception.  She said they would be calling me in a week or so… I thanked her and walked away shaking my head.  I will not be forced to spend money to see a therapist when that’s not what we need. If its required they better waive the co pay!!  Good luck right… Hehe  Yesterday when I arrived home I called my ex and told him he better be ready to get on the phone with these people, since this was his choice he is going to get me what we need. He is all confused because he never listens to me.

Get this… Today he shows up with a print out of one of the two doctors we have to choose from and tells me this is how it works, you have to go in for an evaluation by a therapist. I said, “I can’t pay for a therapist and a psychiatrist and I need medication refilled.”  He got nasty and said I’m just trying to tell you how it works. I said, “I know how it works but it doesn’t fit our situation.” He argued and I said, “did they call you?”  He said, “NO!!”  That nasty tone was enough for me so I turned to walk away and he yells out, “Do you want to know about the prescriptions or are you just going to be a bitch!  Yep he said it… Needless to say my reaction was not pleasant.. I told him what I thought of him and went into the house.

Does he really think he can come to my house and talk to me like that… I have already discussed this with him and the insurance company yet he is a jerk to me.  He acts like I never spoke to him.  You know why?, because when I call him to discuss stuff he hands the phone off to his wife while im talking  and then when I need a response he takes the phone back… There are always long pauses and his responses are always general and sometimes don’t fit the conversation.  Sorry for this but What a dumb-ass! 

Anyway, I am now mad at him and waiting for the HMO to call me back about getting the kids to the type of doctor they need, and not jump through hoops.

I am not whining honestly this is just part of life but thought Maybe I would update you all about how its going… or not going! :)  I suggest if you have a choice of insurance carriers and you need specialized care of any type, don’t go with a HMO. It might be cheaper but you get what you pay for.  :)

 

One way to get the most out of life is
to look upon it as an adventure. ~William Feather


Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Impulsive Over Spending Anyone???

Have you ever gone into a store thinking you would wander around but dying to buy something at a time when you have NO money??  You know you’re spending rent/mortgage payment but you do it anyway.. 

One of my many Bipolar symptoms is spending money when I don’t have any…Don’t get me wrong I don’t buy things we don’t need but I don’t have the money and I buy it anyway…  This is one of my many signs of my illness being Off Track, as I like to call it! 

The past 4 months or more I have done this each month.  I used to be able to pay my bills and just do without whatever, make ends meet no matter what!  Maybe we are light on food or what have you as I’m on a limited income and a single mom of 2 teenage girls but we would get by.  

I have done this for these past months and my bills are all late and I’m so mad at myself.  I have never in my life paid my bills late but as the economy dips lower and things are getting more and more expensive, I am losing control.   When I do this I  know it is going to make it a disaster and stress me out completely yet I do it anyway. Ugh the frustration is unreal and yet I do it again.  

Each month I am having panic attacks about how I will pay rent, praying that a family member will help me out.   All the while being utterly embarrassed of having to ask.   I have sold items  from the house , patio furniture etc..  The stress level is killing me, causing my symptoms to worsen. 

I’m frantic to fix the problem before my moods get unpredictable.  I am increasing and decreasing meds (doctors supervision).  Praying all the while that I will level out and not make a huge mess out of my finances and my life.  Every medicine change could mean deeper depression or further agitation but I have no choice I have to pray the outcome of a medicine change will be positive.  I am afraid, afraid of going back to the days that I couldn’t stand myself and losing my bit of control over this Bipolar depression. 

I am so mad at myself and exhausted as I struggle to get control and fail. I’m depressed along with agitated and that is frightening for someone with my illness.  It’s a vicious cycle and I’m sick of it. 

I won’t let it win, I will continue to be me, I will get through this time No matter what!!!  

I have great friends online and off and I appreciate every one of you, I couldn’t get through this life without you all.  I have met so many nice people and I am always amazed at how many people are affected by  mental illness whether it be their issues or a loved ones or a friend…. 

Thank you everyone! Your my rock!! 

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Psychiatrist, Therapist… Oh My!

Loneliness (edit)

Image by kvitlauk via Flickr

Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands and can help you?? Doctors act like you are pretending and therapists just give bad advice?

This is how I was feeling when I left that psychiatrists office knowing  I would never go back… defeated, scared and exhausted!

Here I was  begging for help… and the doctors just wanted to bully me, I wasn’t standing for it.  Off I went looking for another psychiatrist, I saw many of them and it seemed useless thankfully I was determined to find out exactly what was going on with my brain!  It took months to find another doctor just to be disappointed again and go on another search. I was horrible my moods were all over the place I fought with anyone that would look at me cross-eyed or I would break down and bawl for no known reason.  My family was really struggling with me and with every doctor there was more disappointment and further depression.

I would rage about the littlest stuff, I would get angry with the kids and pull in the recycle bin and start adding their toys and books to the recycling. I had very little control and didn’t know what to do.  So many times I felt as if I was hovering above my body while i did these things, out-of-body experience while in a rage.  Frightening really!! Devastating to the kids and me!  I did have a neighbor that would see me do that and she would come take the kids for me so I could try to stop my fit… she was a god send!

This went on for years until I finally found a doctor.  He isn’t a personable man but he knows his stuff and he knew immediately how to handle our family.  He had treated my daughter for a year but I never thought to go to him myself.  Him treating me gave a big insight into what was going on with my daughter and allowed him to treat us both for what we actually suffer from, Bipolar 2 disorder!  Finally someone knew what was going on and how to handle it. It took 10 years to get things under control and there were serious ups and downs.

My relationship with my husband took a hard hit when I received my diagnosis, then began to spend hours on the computer learning and trying to understand this illness.  Entering chat rooms to hear what others were going through learning all the while so I could figure out how to help myself and my family.  He hated it, didn’t want me to spend the time on it.  When I would go to therapy and come home to talk to him about it he would get angry.  When we would argue he would say things to me like “did your therapist tell you that?”  It soon became clear he wasnt going to support my looking for help and I was on my own.  We grew apart I changed and he didn’t…..

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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