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Relationship with my Mom… Do I have to end it??

If you all read my post Family Drama and Unnecessary BS you know that I have some issues with my mother. She tends to bring negativity into my life and cause problems between me and other family members for fun.  She wants everyone to be there for her but no one else. 

Recently it came to my attention that she was lying to my father and my brother about me and the facts surrounding her gas bill on my credit card and other things. She is living on about $930.00 a month yet claims she paid off her gas bill of $2,000.00 twice this year and I used the money for something else and she is forced to continue paying on the bill.  Well to start she has never paid the bill I have each month. My income is also limited and I can’t afford to pay her bill.  The big deal with her doing this is that my dad helps me out sometimes when I am upside down on my bills.. If she comes between us he will stop helping me, which would force me to need to live with her.  Yep that’s what she is up to…

Anyway, I have just found out that she went back to where she used to live, about 3 hours away, to help a friend and she isn’t coming back.  She is moving back there.. Phew relief came over me.

Why am I relieved?? Because this means I don’t have to have a knock down drag out fight with her and eject her from my life.  She won’t be able to make issues for me that far away. I am able now to limit contact and she won’t be right in the middle of my life causing troubles. It was so hard when I had to remove her from my life before and I was not looking forward to having to hurt her that way again.  I know she is mentally ill and that’s why she does the crap she does but that doesn’t mean I can allow it to affect my life negatively.

I was so dreading the conflict that would happen when I tried to remove her from my immediate life. I do love her, she is my mother… I just wish she would admit her problems and go get help.  I know that isn’t ever going to happen I just hope her life settles down and she doesn’t have any more bad experiences like she has in the past.  Most of those bad experiences happened where she is now living but for some reason she is drawn to that area. I can’t explain it!

Your success and happiness lies in you.image of plumeria flower
Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. 

~ Helen Keller~

 

 

 

 

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Family Drama and Unnecessary BS…

You have probably experienced some of the same Family Drama I do but today really took the cake!  I’m sorry this will be a rant!!

My brother asks me to come to lunch with him yesterday, first red flag!  I agreed as I love to spend some time with him but thought something was up. We live close by and never see each other.

Backing up a bit.. Until a couple of years ago I did not see my mother. She was banned from my life due to her ‘drama’. She makes everything a stressful situation and pits all our family members against each other. I know your thinking how is that possible, believe me it is.

Back to current day… My brother says to me, “I have a reason for wanting to have lunch today, something I need to talk to you about.” I said, “I thought there was something, whats up?”

This was me!

He tells me that my mother has told my father that I am calling her asking her to move in with me because I need her money to make my bills each month.  “What???”  I shriek

More back ground… my mother has used my gas card for 18 months and she has not been paying the bill, I have. The balance was at $1200.00 7 months ago, she had given me the $1200.00 to pay it off. I don’t remember why, but  I put $600.00 on the gas card and used the other $600.00.  She told me that she was quitting her job that required her to drive so many miles and was costing so much in gas. Well she didn’t quit the job, and has now run the bill up to $2000.00 which is the limit on the card.  She lives on Social Security so her income is VERY limited. I’m living on Disability so my income is VERY limited  and I have two teenage kids to care for, therefore my father helps us out with money when I need it.

Back to my conversation with my brother… He says, my mother is telling my father that she has paid off  this gas card twice in the last year both times at $2000.00 and that I have not paid the card and done something else with the money, she doesn’t know what and she is still paying on the card. Really and where did she get that  money to pay it off and if she had money why would she need to use the card, is my question. She was working a sales job that was commission ONLY and never sold anything so she never got paid.

My dad tells my brother and his wife this at Christmas and they were shocked. They knew that was not true. They knew she was not paying the monthly payment and that she had given me the $1200.00 and what I had done with it. They also know that she has run the bill up and is not paying it.  My dad says he isn’t sure he should help me out with money as I’m not handling my money properly! They attempted to explain to my dad, who knows my mother rarely tells the truth, that she is lying. He believes her and is upset about it.  Thankfully I am open book people close to me know me and know I would never do what she is saying..

Don’t get me wrong… my father is not obligated to help me and I appreciate every bit of help he gives me. I do not expect him to help me.  I have struggled since my divorce and rarely make my bills, partly because  I must have medicine and psychiatric treatment and so do BOTH my girls. It’s just ridiculously expensive here and I can’t find any work at home jobs to supplement my income.

I am upset that I let my mother back into my life after 6 years of not seeing her and she has done nothing but caused issues, drama and stress for me, my father and my brother. She doesn’t see my brother’s family for the same reason she didn’t see mine, but my brother still talks to her. My father is angry that I even let my mother use my gas card and I can’t believe she told him the lies she did.

I am disappointed! You wonder, Why is she doing this?? Because she wants me to live with her to help us both pay the bills.  She is attempting to alienate me and my father so he won’t help me and I won’t have a choice but to live with her. I won’t live with her as I have to keep my stress down and that is not possible with her, everything is stressful with her. She creates problems where there aren’t any and it’s because our family is full of  mental illness and people who are in denial and won’t get treatment. My mother is at the top of that list.

My dad was concerned about her coming between him and I when she first came back into my life,  she is now going through him to drive us apart. Unfortunately he can’t see it because he still loves her. They have been divorced since I was three but he never remarried only had a couple of relationships and is now alone and plans to stay that way.

I don’t want him to think I have lied to him or taken advantage of him! I want him to know I appreciate everything he does for us! He thinks I am taking advantage of everyone and taking money from her when she has none that frustrates me.

I’m so over it!!

 

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Thoughts about my Childhood Relationship with my Father…

Tonight I am thinking about the difficult relationship I had with my father when I was my daughters ages. By age of 16 I no longer saw him and really resented that he was never there for us, or never present. 

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 The last two days have been extremely trying with my teenage girls and their father. Their father tends to return them to my house and  refuse to answer their calls and texts when they do something  wrong but then he blames me for turning them against him and not  letting them come with him… Yep sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it?? I  think it is nuts!!  How am I responsible for not making them go with  their father when he refuses to come get them and drops them back  home when they are nasty to him and he doesn’t want to deal with it.  I don’t know why he thinks I enjoy dealing with it but he keeps doing  it. 

Then he texts me that it’s horrible I have turned the girls against him and refuse to make them go with him and he is taking me back to court etc.. I’m usually dumb founded by these contacts from him but whatever.. Anyway, all this crap has made me think about the difficult relationship I had with my father and what that role may have played with me picking my now ex-husband to have children with… hmmm right? 

Lets compare them… 

  • Both Hunters 
  • Both unhappy people 
  • Both suffer from depression and other issues
  • Both are drinkers 
  • Both are very selfish 
  • Neither of them seem to have any parenting skills
  • Neither seem able to truly love another person and put them first
  • Neither can communicate successfully in relationships
  • Both opinionated and always right 
  • Both rarely take responsibility for their life choices
  • Neither are willing to deal with difficult subjects 
  • Both made their wives/ex-wives raise the children alone (even when still together)
  • Both were angry about paying child support and give as little as possible 
  • Both tend to lie to make themselves look better to others 
  • Both Blame others for their life issues 
  • Both were controlling as husbands although in different ways
  • Both were more concerned with what they want in life and not what is best for their kids 

I think I married my father… :( Is that possible after years of struggling for his attention and wanting a relationship with him. Did I actually pick someone just like him??

I had so many dreams for my girls and their relationship with their father. I was sure he would be a good dad even though I raised his son, that was 1-year-old when we got together. I don’t know what I was thinking I really thought he loved his son completely and was a good dad, but when I look back that’s not what I see.  Hind site is truly 20/20!! 

I have come to believe I chose this man because I still wanted approval from my father (any man works at that stage) that I never got and never will get! I wish at 19 years old we had a Quarter of the sense we have at 40 years old! Would have saved a lot of unhappiness!! 

I am happy to be free of that unhealthy relationship but I didn’t realize my girls have that same unhealthy relationship with their father that I did. Why? Because of the person he is and always will be. It is sad! :( 

The father daughter relationship (in my opinion) sets the stage for every relationship a girl has with a man. I’m so glad I have finally learned to accept who people are, respect myself and they must respect me as well! :) 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.”         Herbert Spencer quotes (British social Philosopher, 1820-1903)

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