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Trip to the Lab with my Teen.

I have to share this experience with you for several reasons. First it was kind of funny, second I want to help others understand anxiety and the power it has over your mind and body.

Here it is more than a month after the doctor ordered blood work for my 16 year old.  Keep in mind she has a terrible panic/anxiety issue where doctors, hospitals, labs or any kind of x-ray or test are concerned. Her experiences with hospitals and people who could not put in an IV started when she was 3 yrs old.  She was hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. Long story!  Needless to say I took her to the hospital the doctor told me to take her to when I should have taken her to Children’s Hospital.  Anyway, at that time it was discovered that she has a kidney re-flux problem. The tests were invasive and traumatizing and were done annually for several years, until we couldn’t get her through it any longer. She has never been able to get her blood drawn without a full panic attack.

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Psych Appointment for my Youngest…

Well believe it or not it actually happened finally, the appointment that is!! 

All in all the doctor was nice, semi thorough so I am hoping things go well.  She is a bit annoying, mainly her voice, but nothing to complain about really!!  Jessi actually talked to her some answered questions once she was comfortable.  She doesn’t like doctors and doesn’t like to talk to people she doesn’t know and really doesn’t want to admit the problems she has so there is always a bit of nudging to get her to speak.. lol :)  Got the refill for her medication and of course it is more costly than with the last insurance it was 90.00 co pay for 90 days worth the pills.  Could be worse.. :) 

I was able to set an appointment for my oldest Samantha and she will go on Monday at 9am.  Not looking forward to the cost on her medication as with the other company it was over 200.00 for 90 day supply, Yikes!  Lets hope it isn’t much more than that.. :)  I still don’t think this place is equipped to really give good psychiatric care but we will do what we can to get what the kids need.  It was interesting as I told her how Jessi has been lately and how up and down she has been and she says ok I will see you back in three months.. I thought Really?! But what can you expect.. NO real attempt to see her a few times to see how she is really doing just refill the meds and send her on her way.  LOL

I must sound hard to please, well I am, where the kids are concerned.  Oh, we are also going to see about signing up for a class that will teach her some coping skills for her anxiety..  She has had some pretty good panic attacks over the last few months so I think that might be helpful.  I have heard they have decent therapy and classes that can help with certain things so we will check it out and see what it is all about.

I am thankful they finally contacted me and we were able to see a doctor and not go through all the red tape of therapy and evaluations etc..  I want the evaluations but would prefer it be by the doctor that will be treating her.  I don’t believe a report in writing is going to tell the doctor much, she needs to evaluate them herself.

Very sorry I didn’t get this done sooner, I spent the day starting to set up a blog at a different place to switch to but there are issues there.  Just so you all know I will be moving the blog as I want more functionality so watch for that to happen.. Coming Soon a new look but same address! 

Mountain Sunset

~Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
~Louisa May Alcott~

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Image: M – Pics / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Continued: Anxiety and Trouble at School

Well If you have read my other two posts My Daughter and Anxiety and Continued Anxiety and my Daughter you have an idea of how much anxiety my youngest has dealt with, well here is an update! 

Today I called the school at 7am to see if I could set up to where I would be at the meeting Jessica had to have with the Vice Principle at school.  I just wanted to be there to support her and her anxiety about it was so bad that she was making herself ill again.  Never been in trouble at school and had no idea what would happen! 

We met him at 7:40 10 min before school was to start and he wanted the teacher to be there as well. We talked about it all and I explained it wasnt the teachers fault but Jessi had admitted to cheating when she swears she wasnt.  I understand she has to be treated like she is guilty as she said she was.. :(  Well we waited, and waited but the teacher never came to the meeting.  Jessi has math assessment tests today and that was her first period class so now she is late for that class.  Her math teacher called while we were meeting to tell Jessi that she can stay in her class during science to finish the testing if need be. Which is good because that’s the class where she is being punished for Cheating on a test. 

Once she relaxed the Vice Principle and I decided we would not wait any longer and he walked her to class.  Jessi had relaxed and I think the anxiety for today might have passed. Yay!! :)  I came home and went a step further.  I decided I may have mishandled the conversation with her teacher. I upset her and couldn’t shake that feeling so I typed up  a nice email explaining and apologizing for mishandling our conversation and sent it to the teacher.  

I do still believe Jessi didn’t cheat on the test (she did cheat on the homework tho) but really we will never know! I’m OK with that as I think this anxiety she has is a good sign.  She has a conscience and she will not do wrong again with her work. We all make mistakes and I believe she has learned from this experience!  

So here I am reading a website called DamnYouAutoCorrect.com and laughing as my stress level so needs to decrease! I’m exhausted!! lol  :)  Hope you all have a great weekend and a nice holiday coming up! 

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Continued… Anxiety and My Daughter…

Today was a hard day for my youngest daughter and me.  She went back to school after being out for three full days and promptly got another talking to by her teacher.  It seems that her teacher decided she cheated on a test, not hard to understand how, but when she questioned Jessi about it she panicked and told the teacher she was the one who cheated.  The minute the teacher confronted her with the accusation she began a full-blown panic attack.  Yep full-blown panic attack. 

Jessi managed to sit through the rest of the class but by the time she got to her next class she was visible sick.  She was pale, having a hard time breathing and visibly upset.  She was scared and her next teacher noticed she didn’t look good and sent her to the nurse’s office.  The nurse knew she had been out of school 3 days this week and allowed Jessi to call me.  I thought maybe she just  needed to eat something so I took her some peanut butter crackers.  She ate one but she was visible ill so I talked to her about what was wrong.  I told her I thought she was having anxiety and I needed to know what was wrong but she insisted nothing was wrong.  So I took her home. We talked a lot but she insisted she had no idea why she was so panicked and upset.

Then about 20 minutes after we were home she says to me, “mom I think I may know whats wrong.” I said, “OK honey, what is it?”  She proceeds to tell me that her teacher accused her of cheating on a test and that she didn’t cheat, but she told the teacher it was her that cheated. Not sure why because she insists she didn’t cheat on the test.  She admits to cheating on the homework but swears she didn’t cheat on the test.  

So I called the teacher to discuss it, after Jessi told me that the teacher told her she didn’t believe she was sick and she is not dumb she knows why Jessi hasn’t been at school .  That was not a good thing  as that made me angry. This child has thrown up off and on for 3 days, who is this teacher to say she wasn’t sick without talking to me.  So basically that’s what I told the teacher.  Of course she swears she would never say that to her and began to cry.  I thought are you kidding me!  The teacher goes on and on refusing to let me talk and bawling and then tells me its her birthday and she was having a good day until now.  Guilt trip anyone! ugh!

So I told her Jessi and I wanted  to meet with her to clear the air because Jessi is really upset about facing her again.  So I wanted to meet with her in the morning but she can’t do that, Jessi is going to have to find a way through her day. :(  I hope she makes it!!

I ended up hanging up the phone completely upset and confused about what to believe.  My daughter has lied before but this teacher has a reputation for not being very nice. Jessi and I talked a lot today and she is insistent she didn’t cheat on the test, she was copying homework but didn’t cheat on the test.  Since Jessi has been accused and admitted to cheating on the test she has to meet with the vice principal and is really freaked out about meeting with him. The world of the unknown is very scary for someone with anxiety!  I will have to let you all know what happens next.. Stay Tuned!  :)

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My Daughter and Anxiety…

Have you ever wondered, is my child really sick or do they have a serious case of anxiety?  

That is a question I have asked myself since my youngest daughter’s teacher called me today.  She believes that since my daughter received a Step on her Step Card for copying Math homework off a friend, that her anxiety is making her sick to her stomach.  My daughter has missed school this entire week due to a sick stomach.  She has actually been throwing up semi regularly for those three days.  Yesterday, she was fine all day and then when she ate dinner at her dads she got sick and came home early.  Her dad says to me that he isn’t sure she got sick at all and that she mentioned me picking her up by 2nd period today from school and when she got home she promptly asked me about that.  I told her we would see. 

Well this morning her very nice Math teacher called to discuss the incident on Friday with the copying of Math homework and punishment she received that  my daughter is scared to go back to school. She thinks the anxiety of it might make her ill.  A big bright light bulb went off in my head and I realized she is probably right. So my daughter just got up at 9:30 am and I have to talk to her about it. 

It’s this type of thing that makes me worry fully about her mental state. She takes meds for depression and it has helped her tremendously. I think this just shows her mental stability a bit is  questionable.  Not that kids don’t make themselves sick worrying about things but this has gone on since Sunday afternoon, it is now Wednesday! 

I’m not saying she needs more medication but it really tells me a lot about how her mind works. I need help her through this and recognize when she is torturing herself over nothing. We must really pay attention to the cues our kids give us even tho some of them are subtle. 

So off I go to talk to her and reassure her everything is fine at school, her teachers understand we all make mistakes and simply want her to learn from it!  Wish me luck!! :) 

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Impulsive Over Spending Anyone???

Have you ever gone into a store thinking you would wander around but dying to buy something at a time when you have NO money??  You know you’re spending rent/mortgage payment but you do it anyway.. 

One of my many Bipolar symptoms is spending money when I don’t have any…Don’t get me wrong I don’t buy things we don’t need but I don’t have the money and I buy it anyway…  This is one of my many signs of my illness being Off Track, as I like to call it! 

The past 4 months or more I have done this each month.  I used to be able to pay my bills and just do without whatever, make ends meet no matter what!  Maybe we are light on food or what have you as I’m on a limited income and a single mom of 2 teenage girls but we would get by.  

I have done this for these past months and my bills are all late and I’m so mad at myself.  I have never in my life paid my bills late but as the economy dips lower and things are getting more and more expensive, I am losing control.   When I do this I  know it is going to make it a disaster and stress me out completely yet I do it anyway. Ugh the frustration is unreal and yet I do it again.  

Each month I am having panic attacks about how I will pay rent, praying that a family member will help me out.   All the while being utterly embarrassed of having to ask.   I have sold items  from the house , patio furniture etc..  The stress level is killing me, causing my symptoms to worsen. 

I’m frantic to fix the problem before my moods get unpredictable.  I am increasing and decreasing meds (doctors supervision).  Praying all the while that I will level out and not make a huge mess out of my finances and my life.  Every medicine change could mean deeper depression or further agitation but I have no choice I have to pray the outcome of a medicine change will be positive.  I am afraid, afraid of going back to the days that I couldn’t stand myself and losing my bit of control over this Bipolar depression. 

I am so mad at myself and exhausted as I struggle to get control and fail. I’m depressed along with agitated and that is frightening for someone with my illness.  It’s a vicious cycle and I’m sick of it. 

I won’t let it win, I will continue to be me, I will get through this time No matter what!!!  

I have great friends online and off and I appreciate every one of you, I couldn’t get through this life without you all.  I have met so many nice people and I am always amazed at how many people are affected by  mental illness whether it be their issues or a loved ones or a friend…. 

Thank you everyone! Your my rock!! 

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Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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