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Review: Emotional Abuse; Silent Killer of Marriage – A 30-Year Abuser Speaks Out


Emotional-abuse

Book Title: Emotional Abuse; Silent Killer of Marriage – A 30-Year Abuser Speaks Out

Author: Austin James

Book on Amazon.com 

 

I was very interested in reading this book because throughout my life I have seen a lot of abusive Men and Women and honestly, I wanted to see if this book could help me to understand it a bit. What I went through, what I may have done to others in my worst times, when my illness was out of control and I was out of touch. So when I began to read this book I had high expectations of what I might learn from an actual admitted and in the healing process emotional abuser.

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Flashes of Memories From My Bipolar Mind

Siam Tulip

I am sure I have said this before, but I am very intuitive and have been working on understanding that and learning more about that side of me. Wanting to move from apartments to a separate dwelling so I am not sharing walls with people and could get some space from their emotions as I feel others feelings constantly. I believe that is part of the problem with my moods being stable or not being stable.

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I Miss Them Already…

My kids just left for an entire week… Yep a week!! I miss them already. I have a ton to do so it won’t be that I will be bored but I will miss them tremendously.

You know, my oldest and her father barely talk but she decided to go with him to another state for a week to see a house he bought there.  I was shocked but excited too. I sure hope all goes well and everyone behaves, she needs her dad.  Please send positive thoughts to them and hope they heal their relationship.  I think this will either make or break the future relationship between Sami and her Dad.

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Her 13th Birthday…

Where did the time go, how did my baby get to be 13 already. No Image of a girl with a cake and presentway it has been 13 years since the day she was born into this world and became the love of my life! 

Ugh well it seems it has been 13 years and she has grown into a beautiful, caring thoughtful young lady!  She has her struggles with the depression and anxiety but under it all she is a lovely young lady! She will help you with anything on a moments notice, she loves to be part of everything. She is happy and funny, almost all the time.  Sure she has a ‘teenage’ attitude but she is supposed to at this point. When you point it out and tell her it is not acceptable she stops and apologizes most of the time. 

Her grades are good and she has a ton of friends. She loves each one of them for who they are! She is a social butterfly! She loves to go off-roading with her Dad and drives the cars around the desert. She is fearless and loving all at once! Unfortunately, the fearless part keeps her injuring herself but so far not too seriously!   She is a frequent fly-er at the Urgent Care, they know her well! 

Most of all she still likes to cuddle on the couch and watch television and I get to lay in bed with her sometimes before she goes to sleep. She will always be my baby, no matter how old she gets! 

So here is to you Jessi, Happy 13th Birthday! May every year bring you Love, Happiness and Joy!! 

I love you!

 

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Relationship with my Mom… Do I have to end it??

If you all read my post Family Drama and Unnecessary BS you know that I have some issues with my mother. She tends to bring negativity into my life and cause problems between me and other family members for fun.  She wants everyone to be there for her but no one else. 

Recently it came to my attention that she was lying to my father and my brother about me and the facts surrounding her gas bill on my credit card and other things. She is living on about $930.00 a month yet claims she paid off her gas bill of $2,000.00 twice this year and I used the money for something else and she is forced to continue paying on the bill.  Well to start she has never paid the bill I have each month. My income is also limited and I can’t afford to pay her bill.  The big deal with her doing this is that my dad helps me out sometimes when I am upside down on my bills.. If she comes between us he will stop helping me, which would force me to need to live with her.  Yep that’s what she is up to…

Anyway, I have just found out that she went back to where she used to live, about 3 hours away, to help a friend and she isn’t coming back.  She is moving back there.. Phew relief came over me.

Why am I relieved?? Because this means I don’t have to have a knock down drag out fight with her and eject her from my life.  She won’t be able to make issues for me that far away. I am able now to limit contact and she won’t be right in the middle of my life causing troubles. It was so hard when I had to remove her from my life before and I was not looking forward to having to hurt her that way again.  I know she is mentally ill and that’s why she does the crap she does but that doesn’t mean I can allow it to affect my life negatively.

I was so dreading the conflict that would happen when I tried to remove her from my immediate life. I do love her, she is my mother… I just wish she would admit her problems and go get help.  I know that isn’t ever going to happen I just hope her life settles down and she doesn’t have any more bad experiences like she has in the past.  Most of those bad experiences happened where she is now living but for some reason she is drawn to that area. I can’t explain it!

Your success and happiness lies in you.image of plumeria flower
Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. 

~ Helen Keller~

 

 

 

 

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Family Drama and Unnecessary BS…

You have probably experienced some of the same Family Drama I do but today really took the cake!  I’m sorry this will be a rant!!

My brother asks me to come to lunch with him yesterday, first red flag!  I agreed as I love to spend some time with him but thought something was up. We live close by and never see each other.

Backing up a bit.. Until a couple of years ago I did not see my mother. She was banned from my life due to her ‘drama’. She makes everything a stressful situation and pits all our family members against each other. I know your thinking how is that possible, believe me it is.

Back to current day… My brother says to me, “I have a reason for wanting to have lunch today, something I need to talk to you about.” I said, “I thought there was something, whats up?”

This was me!

He tells me that my mother has told my father that I am calling her asking her to move in with me because I need her money to make my bills each month.  “What???”  I shriek

More back ground… my mother has used my gas card for 18 months and she has not been paying the bill, I have. The balance was at $1200.00 7 months ago, she had given me the $1200.00 to pay it off. I don’t remember why, but  I put $600.00 on the gas card and used the other $600.00.  She told me that she was quitting her job that required her to drive so many miles and was costing so much in gas. Well she didn’t quit the job, and has now run the bill up to $2000.00 which is the limit on the card.  She lives on Social Security so her income is VERY limited. I’m living on Disability so my income is VERY limited  and I have two teenage kids to care for, therefore my father helps us out with money when I need it.

Back to my conversation with my brother… He says, my mother is telling my father that she has paid off  this gas card twice in the last year both times at $2000.00 and that I have not paid the card and done something else with the money, she doesn’t know what and she is still paying on the card. Really and where did she get that  money to pay it off and if she had money why would she need to use the card, is my question. She was working a sales job that was commission ONLY and never sold anything so she never got paid.

My dad tells my brother and his wife this at Christmas and they were shocked. They knew that was not true. They knew she was not paying the monthly payment and that she had given me the $1200.00 and what I had done with it. They also know that she has run the bill up and is not paying it.  My dad says he isn’t sure he should help me out with money as I’m not handling my money properly! They attempted to explain to my dad, who knows my mother rarely tells the truth, that she is lying. He believes her and is upset about it.  Thankfully I am open book people close to me know me and know I would never do what she is saying..

Don’t get me wrong… my father is not obligated to help me and I appreciate every bit of help he gives me. I do not expect him to help me.  I have struggled since my divorce and rarely make my bills, partly because  I must have medicine and psychiatric treatment and so do BOTH my girls. It’s just ridiculously expensive here and I can’t find any work at home jobs to supplement my income.

I am upset that I let my mother back into my life after 6 years of not seeing her and she has done nothing but caused issues, drama and stress for me, my father and my brother. She doesn’t see my brother’s family for the same reason she didn’t see mine, but my brother still talks to her. My father is angry that I even let my mother use my gas card and I can’t believe she told him the lies she did.

I am disappointed! You wonder, Why is she doing this?? Because she wants me to live with her to help us both pay the bills.  She is attempting to alienate me and my father so he won’t help me and I won’t have a choice but to live with her. I won’t live with her as I have to keep my stress down and that is not possible with her, everything is stressful with her. She creates problems where there aren’t any and it’s because our family is full of  mental illness and people who are in denial and won’t get treatment. My mother is at the top of that list.

My dad was concerned about her coming between him and I when she first came back into my life,  she is now going through him to drive us apart. Unfortunately he can’t see it because he still loves her. They have been divorced since I was three but he never remarried only had a couple of relationships and is now alone and plans to stay that way.

I don’t want him to think I have lied to him or taken advantage of him! I want him to know I appreciate everything he does for us! He thinks I am taking advantage of everyone and taking money from her when she has none that frustrates me.

I’m so over it!!

 

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The Love of a Mother…

My girls mean the world to me.  I have watched them grow into these beautiful young women.  I don’t mean beautiful in just the way they look, I mean they are beautiful people inside.

Thoughtful, caring, moral and real is just a few ways to describe my girls. I am very proud of who they strive to be, how much they care for others and how they don’t always think of themselves first.  They are not perfect, they make mistakes, they are teenagers so attitude is just part of life now but they are loving people even when they are trying not to be. lol :)

I have tried to teach them to respect themselves and even tho my oldest is struggling with this due to her lack of confidence, I do believe they will respect themselves as adults and need others do the same. My oldest especially since she requires that from her father even though she doesn’t get the respect she deserves as  a person from him!

My oldest is smart, beautiful, sensitive, caring, thoughtful and very capable of anything she wishes in life. She suffers with Bipolar2 Disorder just like I do but she has been treated since she was young and I believe it will not keep her from being a very successful woman! I believe she will end up in a field that helps others. She is excited about the prospect of driving and getting a job. I believe a job would do wonders for her confidence level!  She is creative and a bit artsy!  She is full of anxiety at times but doesn’t let it cripple her!  She is still a bit shy but that has improved every year. She is amazing to me and deserves the best out of life!

My youngest is a complete opposite of my oldest, from their looks to their personalities! She is full of energy, never stops moving and talking.  She is a smart girl but things don’t come easy for her in school like my oldest. She works hard and gets great grades. She has a serious Anxiety issue developing and suffers with depression. She has been treated for a couple of years now for the depression but the anxiety, although it has always been there, has developed into a disorder lately! She is confident and outgoing and a social butterfly.  She is starting to have boyfriends and, as I have always known, will be a teenager to keep an eye on. lol She is very capable, thoughtful, caring, has tons of friends and feels bad when she does something wrong. She is a people pleaser!  She strives to be a good person and therefore she is! She loves and accepts people for who they are, although she is easily hurt by others it doesn’t keep her from moving forward. Just like my oldest she is amazing.  She is a terrific person and a beautiful girl! I couldn’t be more proud of her!

I love my girls with all my heart and have always tried to think of them as PEOPLE, they are not just kids they are small adults in the making and they deserve respect and caring.  I find so many parents treat kids as if they really aren’t people they just want to rule them and that isn’t healthy for any child! We are here to correct them and teach them but we don’t rule them, they have their own feelings and although we may not always agree with the way they feel they deserve to be respected and treated fairly.  We must as parents take their feelings into consideration when we make decisions in our lives. Every move we make affects them and it is our job to consider them as well!

We should know them well enough to know how our decisions will affect them and consider that every time we change something in our lives. I believe honesty is the most important thing in your relationship with your kids. How do we teach them to be open and honest yet lie to them about things in their lives. It doesn’t work that way! 

I love my girls and I hope that they always remember that no matter what happens in their lives! 

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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Mom and daughter hugging a heart

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Thoughts about my Childhood Relationship with my Father…

Tonight I am thinking about the difficult relationship I had with my father when I was my daughters ages. By age of 16 I no longer saw him and really resented that he was never there for us, or never present. 

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 The last two days have been extremely trying with my teenage girls and their father. Their father tends to return them to my house and  refuse to answer their calls and texts when they do something  wrong but then he blames me for turning them against him and not  letting them come with him… Yep sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it?? I  think it is nuts!!  How am I responsible for not making them go with  their father when he refuses to come get them and drops them back  home when they are nasty to him and he doesn’t want to deal with it.  I don’t know why he thinks I enjoy dealing with it but he keeps doing  it. 

Then he texts me that it’s horrible I have turned the girls against him and refuse to make them go with him and he is taking me back to court etc.. I’m usually dumb founded by these contacts from him but whatever.. Anyway, all this crap has made me think about the difficult relationship I had with my father and what that role may have played with me picking my now ex-husband to have children with… hmmm right? 

Lets compare them… 

  • Both Hunters 
  • Both unhappy people 
  • Both suffer from depression and other issues
  • Both are drinkers 
  • Both are very selfish 
  • Neither of them seem to have any parenting skills
  • Neither seem able to truly love another person and put them first
  • Neither can communicate successfully in relationships
  • Both opinionated and always right 
  • Both rarely take responsibility for their life choices
  • Neither are willing to deal with difficult subjects 
  • Both made their wives/ex-wives raise the children alone (even when still together)
  • Both were angry about paying child support and give as little as possible 
  • Both tend to lie to make themselves look better to others 
  • Both Blame others for their life issues 
  • Both were controlling as husbands although in different ways
  • Both were more concerned with what they want in life and not what is best for their kids 

I think I married my father… :( Is that possible after years of struggling for his attention and wanting a relationship with him. Did I actually pick someone just like him??

I had so many dreams for my girls and their relationship with their father. I was sure he would be a good dad even though I raised his son, that was 1-year-old when we got together. I don’t know what I was thinking I really thought he loved his son completely and was a good dad, but when I look back that’s not what I see.  Hind site is truly 20/20!! 

I have come to believe I chose this man because I still wanted approval from my father (any man works at that stage) that I never got and never will get! I wish at 19 years old we had a Quarter of the sense we have at 40 years old! Would have saved a lot of unhappiness!! 

I am happy to be free of that unhealthy relationship but I didn’t realize my girls have that same unhealthy relationship with their father that I did. Why? Because of the person he is and always will be. It is sad! :( 

The father daughter relationship (in my opinion) sets the stage for every relationship a girl has with a man. I’m so glad I have finally learned to accept who people are, respect myself and they must respect me as well! :) 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.”         Herbert Spencer quotes (British social Philosopher, 1820-1903)

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Beginning to Date at 19…

I think I have established my level of depression and I didn’t know myself or like what I new about me! My friend was really bugging me about dating, I was 19 and never been out on a date… “What do I have to offer?” I said to her. I remember her laughing at me, She laughed a lot! She told me I had a lot to offer and we laughed together, how else would I respond?

She fixes me up with this guy, just come over and have dinner with us and him. Can you say Nervous Wreck?! After some coaxing I went, liked the man and dated him a few more times. I wasn’t ready to be intimate with anyone, emotionally anyway, and that what he wanted, so we dated for a short time. I remember I had not returned his call one night. It was late I was asleep, living alone, and I wake up to a banging on my windows and door. Scared me to death! It was him, and he was yelling that I was not being truthful and I had been out that night because my car hood was warm… I had been out to the store earlier and drove around the freeway a bit. At this time I had so much pent-up anger and frustration that I used to go drive around the freeways at 90+ miles an hour to release those feelings. I had been our driving our highways letting off steam! I always said if a man scared me I would never see him again. End of that!

Driving in my car was the only place I felt comfortable! I would drive around at a fast speed, cry and talk to myself in trying to work through my feelings and confusion. This was the only way I could get this rage out that swirled inside me, although it was a temporary fix. Adrenalin Junkie you could say! Today I am grateful that I never hurt anyone or myself in those tirades of driving! Thank you Lord!

I would lay in bed at night crying and hitting the pillow hating the way I felt and unable to control my emotions. This time was difficult for me, all those pent-up emotions from childhood were at the surface and I couldn’t always control it. I hated my mother, yet loved her too. I had night mares of someone holding me down but no one was there. I would wake up and be unable to move or make a sound, this happened many times a night. Yet I would wake up in the morning, go to work and pretend all was OK. Did you ever wonder why can I put on the face all day long and the second I enter my apartment I lose control of every emotion? I have wondered that many times!

Back to dating… I met another guy through my friend again, he was a nice man but I had no idea how to relate to a man. My father was distant emotionally with us kids and although we went with him most weekends he always took us to parties and we would sit in the corner and watch him drink and making a fool of himself. So here I am on a date with a nice man, he was successful and had his own condominium but I couldn’t even talk to him. Had a blank mind the entire time I was with him. I actually slept over at his house, without being intimate and that was really helpful for me but I still couldn’t talk to him. We drank a lot together and his friends were always there. I was VERY against drugs of any form and I was at his house, for a 4th of July party, and the guests were out front smoking pot. That was it for me I left drunk off my butt and barely made it home. Thankfully he lived close by. I never saw him again, he would call and I would tell him I was busy or not answer. It made me sad really, I desperately wanted someone to care about me!

I continued drinking on my own, alone at home. My brother, who was older, would buy me Rum and I would mix it with soda. My drinking was getting worse and I wasn’t eating at all. I had my 20th birthday party and my mother ordered a stripped, how embarrassing was that? I was so drunk that night tho and everyone had a great time, but my drinking was getting worse….

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As my Depression Progressed…

As the years went on my depression and moodiness got increasingly worse. I continued to withdraw from everyone and everything. I would walk through the hallways at school looking at the ground and NOT interacting with anyone. I had some nice people reach out but by high school I was so withdrawn I was like a robot. I didn’t know how to deal with my depression, had no self-esteem and lived in fear. I was afraid of how I would react to anything so I didn’t react at all. Unfortunately when I did I would rage and cry all at the same time. There was an incident in my Spanish glass where a kid was banging an empty desk between us on the back of my chair. I asked him to stop several times but then I lost it… I actually got up screamed at him and threw the desk across the room. Thankfully I didn’t hit anyone. The teacher sent him to the office. I was an emotional disaster area. Kids continued to use that against me and pick on me, I absolutely despised school!

High school was the hardest years for me in school. I withdrew so much that if anyone I did know would call out my name in a hallway I would completely ignore it and walk faster to my next class. I didn’t go to the lunch area for lunch I went to my next class and sat by the door and did homework. The anxiety of my illness was too much to take in a large group of people.

Then my second year of high school my mother made me get a job. That was really difficult as I couldn’t go out of the house alone unless I was going to school. I had been given a car that year but I had to pay for the costs. I attempted looking for a job but I didn’t get anywhere I was too shy and anxiety ridden to impress anyone. My mother knew someone in a local mall that new the owner of an ice cream store and they helped me get a job. I got through the interview and he hired me. That was the end of the school year so I was able to work many hours. It was difficult but I began to realize work

Me on 15th birthday!

was a great thing. It helped me feel worth while. Not like a ‘normal’ person but it got easier and easier to go to work, yet I couldn’t get gas in my car with out someone going with me. I had such high anxiety! If I tried to go to the gas station alone I would drive by it many times then go home hoping I would run out of gas. I was able the next school year to take 2 work experience classes so I was out of school at noon and working till 11pm. I loved it!

My moodiness continued to increase. I didn’t have tolerance for immature people or for people making fun of others. After some time I earned a promotion to assistant manager at the ice cream store. We had some girls that worked their that would actually make fun of the mentally handicapped when they were in the store. It was horrible they did weird gesture right in front of them and it would set me off. I told them many times to stop. It wasn’t good for the business and it was wrong to make fun of a person with a disability. They persisted and this one girl was the worst one and I pulled her aside one day and told her to stop it. She went out and continued to do it and I call her over, she was still doing it and I lost it. I actually smacked her across her face! Don’t get me wrong she deserved it but you cannot do that to people, I just lost it.

My employer obviously had a stern talk with me and I cried the entire time. I could not control my emotions no matter how hard I tried. He did not fire me, thank goodness. I worked their for years, then my mother opened a cosmetics store in another mall not too far away… She wanted me to work with her but I had to interview with her current husband who was jerk. I given the job and worked for her for a couple of years. You can imagine the relationship with my mother as an employer was not easy. Well difficult to say the least…..

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