Flashes of Memories From My Bipolar Mind

Siam Tulip

I am sure I have said this before, but I am very intuitive and have been working on understanding that and learning more about that side of me. Wanting to move from apartments to a separate dwelling so I am not sharing walls with people and could get some space from their emotions as I feel others feelings constantly. I believe that is part of the problem with my moods being stable or not being stable.

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Encouragement and Inspiration


I started this blog to share my life experiences with Bipolar Disorder and my journey to happiness. Today I had a great inspirational friend send me an email telling me that she has decided to share her story in the same ‘real’ way I have. To put it all out there and take that risk that others will not support her and may not understand.

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Shirts That Go Review ~ Children’s shirts ~ Vehicle and Transportation inspired t-shirts for kids and toddlers.

I found this awesome site,, where you can get kids shirts with pictures of different vehicles on them. There is a wide range of different images, from fire truck to fighter jets. I know when my stepson was young he would have loved to have some of these.

Is your child inspiring to be a fireman? Get them a shirt with a very cool firetruck on the front. The images are awesome life like, detailed images like I have not seen before.

Here is the image I took of the shirt I received for this review:


This is the picture I took not the best quality.

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Mental Illness Stigma or Should We Say Ignorance?

I started this blog to help people to understand that Mental Illness is just that an Illness. An illness like diabetes and the like. It is treatable, although not easy to treat and a long road to stability, it is treatable.neuron

We have to live a bit differently at times in our lives than others do, a lot of us end up on disability as keeping stress at a minimum keeps us from being out of hand. We fight our illness’ daily and we struggle just like anyone with a physical disability might, the difference being you can’t always see our disability but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

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Bent Blog Tour ~ My Review


I have had the opportunity to read this awesome book by HB Heinzer, Bent.

This is one of those books you just cannot put down. I have been sick for the past week and I sat down tonight to read it and I just couldn’t put it down.

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Bent Blog Tour by Daydreams Book Tours

Welcome to my very first Book tour. My very good friend has started Daydreams Book Tours and I am proud to be part of this event. I hope you all enjoy it!

I love to read and I am sure you do too. My oldest daughter is a huge reader and spends hours a day reading. Its such a great escape from daily stress.


Bent Review and Book Tour

hb heinzer


Here’s some info about HB and her book Bent.

You can follow HB Heinzer on facebook and twitter. Make sure you visit her blog too Musings from my alcove and follow her on Goodreads. And here’s a little bit about HB.

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Between Moods, Good, Bad, Indifferent


This post is about the symptoms that come with mood changes for me and how they affect my daily life. Not only the mood changes but the confused thoughts and other things…

At times I am happy, laughing and joking and other moments I am indifferent. My thoughts race and then will slow so much I lose my words. I stop mid sentence on a word that I just can’t get out. I don’t mean I stutter around it, I mean I open my mouth and nothing comes out. The word is floating in my head but not making its way to my lips. I say um as many times as it takes and it eventually comes out. It is strange but I can actually visualize the word but can’t get it out. I am not sure how often others deal with this symptom but for me it’s pretty frequent these days.

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Being Honest with My Bipolar Brain

Sad Woman Sitting Alone

So I am sure that most of you have watched me struggle this past year or so with the ups and downs of my illness. I was stable for a long time but that day has come and gone and its time to be honest and fully accept and admit I am not feeling very stable. Such is life with Bipolar Disorder!

I have truly struggled with being honest with myself about how stable or unstable my moods really are. I finally decided it was time to stop struggling and reach out for some real help. I met with my psychiatrist last week after having to move my appointment several times due to being sick, and we are starting on an additional medicine.

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Feeling the Relief

Image of Cartoon Dog Juggling

Me Juggling Life!

Today I made a couple of Big decisions and I am just beginning to feel the relief. I have addressed a few problems that I had been putting off.  Seems to be one of my symptoms to put stuff off, especially stuff I really don’t know how to handle, or a situation I have never been in!

I have never been good with my finances. I tend to not keep close enough eye on my money and times are tough right now so I have fallen behind on most of my credit bills. We run out of money 2 weeks after I get paid and I get paid once a month. I just pray we don’t run out of something we can’t live without but this past month I had to borrow money from Carl to get through. That is super embarrassing for me. I am at a point in my life that I have never been at before, I have never been in a position that I couldn’t pay my bills on time and with the increase in cost

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Being Honest with Myself…I am Depressed.

Image of Woman Laying in Bed

This is where I want to be!

I guess it is time I just flat out be honest with myself and stop saying I am overwhelmed and tired from the work.  I am Depressed!  No other way to put it.  I have not felt like this in a while and I hope I can pull out of it by increasing medicines but I am depressed on a serious level.

I am exhausted, from the inside out. Everything is taking a major effort! I am crabby to my kids and impatient. Sorry girls!! I am emotional and my body aches. I am trying to pull out of it!!  

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Thinking and Thinking… Just Thoughts?

♥ ♥ This evening I realized I have been thinking a lot lately…  What does this mean to me? 

This thinking could mean several things! I noticed that I am feeling down and thinking about different things in my life.  Is this a new episode of Depression? Is this just the time of year? Am I feeling like I am missing something in my life? Is there something more 

I can do for others? Am I letting anyone down? Am I letting myself down in some way? 

Honestly I’m not sure the answer to any of those questions! I just know I am thinking and wondering many different things. I pray that I am not falling into a Depression that will affect the people around me negatively. Don’t get me wrong I am happy in my life, things have improved so much over the past month within my mind, but it leaves me wondering whats the next mood going to be.

Did I stabilize or did I just shift moods? 

This is a question I ask myself often in my life, why? Because if I don’t who will?  I am in control and have to stay that way, its part of my daily work to live “normally”.  Part of my daily work to have life “normal” for my kids and those around me!  I’m not sure how many of you realize that we who have mental illness work hard everyday to control the part of our brains that don’t work “normally”.  It’s exhausting work sometimes.. well all the time.  It is part of our daily lives and the effort it takes to constantly study our reactions, behaviors, feelings, choices etc is immense. Are we always successful?  No of course we aren’t but we are harder on our selves when we don’t than any person with a “normal” functioning brain would ever dream of.. 

We are deeply caring and intuitive people usually.  We aren’t dumb in any way, we are typically quite intelligent.  I am more intuitive and giving than book smart but I feel deeply, deeper than anyone I know. I have this empathy for people which tunes into how people feel and it’s exhausting sometimes. My emotions are high at all times!  Yet I have to work to control every possible thing I can within myself and my Bipolar symptoms! 

Anyway you can see that I am spending a good part of my energy thinking lately! I have been so busy with the kids and the holidays and I haven’t had the time I need online. I am trying not to stress about it but stress is what I do! :) 

Really I think I just wanted to give you insight into how things are for me where my mind is and my attempt at “normal” life! 

“Success in life comes to those who simply refuse to give up; individuals with vision so strong that obstacles, failure and loss only act as teachings.” 
Silken Laumann

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato 

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw 


Image: graur razvan ionut /  –   graur razvan ionut’s portfolio is:


Big Changes… A Hard Road to Navigate…

Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to  improve or survive life? 

I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives.  You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness.  6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life. 

I have had similar experiences with my father.  Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial.  I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way.   We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations!  I had to do what was right for my family.  

It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away.  Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me.  He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist. 

In the end, my husband cheated on me and  I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah.  Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house.  We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. :(  Devastating really.  It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt.  It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life. 

One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me.  Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness!  At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost.  There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!

I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids.  Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken.  The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart.   It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy!  Something I have never been in my entire life.  I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything.  He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year.  My girls even like him so that’s a plus!  

I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning.  I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it.  It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with  work and support from doctors and therapists.  There is help out there but you will have to go find it!! 


As I Enter the World on my Own…

Have you had a serious fight with your mother before?? I sure have…I told you I worked for her for many years and that began to come to a close when she got angry for some unknown reason and came after me as I left work. She followed me into the hallway to the parking lot and was yelling at me, and she said “F**** You!” I happened to be holding a cup of soda, I turned around and said,”No, F*** You! and as I said that I threw my cup of soda at her. I had taken a lot of unnecessary bullying from my mother for years but now I was old enough it wasn’t going to continue. Shortly after that she closed the store as it was failing.

I lived alone for several years, after having a room-mate for 6 months and that not working out! I took a job in an insurance office and began to learn about all lines of insurance. I was making 1000.00 a month salary.. so I brought home 850.00 after taxes and my rent was 535.00 so I was only able to pay my bills. I went through a period of starving myself to lose weight and got very ill. I was off work for 3 weeks and almost lost my job. My depression was so deep and getting deeper by the day.

I was having a problem leaving my house. My anxiety was severe and hindering every move I made. I had terrible night mares and felt alone! I knew I was in trouble… I had to find a way to leave the house and not be in tears. I picked a drug store to go to when I felt that I couldn’t leave the house. I went there several times a day sometimes, trying to get rid of my anxiety. It took months but it really helped. I was really pushing people away. My one friend from high school took the brunt of my uncontrollable moods. To my surprise she loved me anyway, she was the one person in my life that could see the real me under the rage, depression, hypo-mania episodes and anxiety! She taught me I was worth while and lovable. Up to that time I didn’t think much of myself, honestly I hated myself!

That tornado of rage, pain, self hate and depression kept swirling inside me. I continued to get angrier and more reactive, my depression was in control. I could hear my mother’s voice at every turn telling me how useless I was and degrading me. Then my mood would swing and I would be annoyingly funny and happy. My moods swung rapidly and I was loosing more and more control. I was about 19 at this time, and really confused about Life!….


Life as a Depressed Child…

Alright, I have caught you up on my Mother, who raised me. Thinking back my mother had severe depression, just like me! I want to be clear we actually had a good life outside of the emotional issues that were dragging us all down. We had pets and the general things kids need.

My depression started very young and it just grew and grew! I remember wanting to commit suicide, I was in the 4th grade, my friend knew I was really unhappy and I ended up telling her how I felt. I hated the way I was feeling but I felt ending my life would give me the relief I so desperately wanted. Depression fogged my mind so I couldn’t see beyond the darkness! We had moved many times and I never had friends due to my low self-esteem, but this year I had

Stephanie my life saver, this is her!

this terrific friend, Stephanie. Stephanie saved my life that year by caring about me, showing me I was lovable and could be cared about. After that I never considered suicide again, it just isn’t an option! (If you feel suicidal please talk to a good friend, call a doctor or a hotline. There are caring people who want to help simply look in your local phone book or search the internet for your local suicide hotline)

At about this age I began putting on weight. My mother really harped on my weight but that made me eat more, sneak food when she wasn’t looking. I had absolutely NO control over my emotional eating and I continued to put on weight. When I felt life was hopeless I would go out to the horses and sit in their corals with them. I talked to the horses and hugged on them, fed them grains and treats like sugar cubes. It made me feel better every time but it was short-lived. As I continued to gain weight I had to start wearing women’s sizes, that made me feel different from other kids. I couldn’t get the styles everyone was wearing and things just didn’t fit me right, and I already felt different from every one.

Every year I gained more weight, my self-esteem continued to plummet and I began feeling angry. The only way I could describe it was like a tornado of anger inside me constantly swirling. I could get no relief! I began to lash out often, and was on my moms bad side all the time! Never a good place to be believe me! I began hiding from my mom by sitting in the chicken coop or in the stalls with the horses so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I spent many hours with my pets crying.

Then about 5th grade I began stealing cigarettes from my mom’s purse, and would sneak out into the field behind our home and smoke. Contractors were building homes in the field and for a long time they had deep ditches for the pipes to go in and I would hide in those. I thought maybe the cigarettes would help me feel better about myself. I know a child’s mind is a strange place, especially a depressed child. Honestly that’s what I thought would make me feel better and I was rebelling. I also started experimenting with a bit of alcohol I would sneak out of the house but I didn’t like that thank goodness.

There were times I would go to my dad’s for the weekend and I would come home to my room completely torn apart by my mother. Every drawer would be removed from my dresser and dumped in the middle of the room. Every item from my closet would be in that same pile on the floor, and my bed would be turned over then placed on top of the pile.

I am mentioning this because my mother was ill, she didn’t know it but she raged out of control often. These are symptoms of depression and I’m hoping to help people understand mental illness better. I’m honestly not whining about the abuse we suffered by the hand of my mother, I am over that and I accept her for who she is and know she did her best with us kids. She worked very hard all our lives. We turned out good so she must have done something right! These behaviors of my mothers were what I would swear every time they happened I would never treat my children the way I was, but you will hear about that later…