I am sure I have said this before, but I am very intuitive and have been working on understanding that and learning more about that side of me. Wanting to move from apartments to a separate dwelling so I am not sharing walls with people and could get some space from their emotions as I feel others feelings constantly. I believe that is part of the problem with my moods being stable or not being stable.
I started this blog to share my life experiences with Bipolar Disorder and my journey to happiness. Today I had a great inspirational friend send me an email telling me that she has decided to share her story in the same ‘real’ way I have. To put it all out there and take that risk that others will not support her and may not understand.
ShirtsThatGo.com ~ Vehicle and Transportation inspired t-shirts for kids and toddlers.
I found this awesome site, ShirtsThatGo.com, where you can get kids shirts with pictures of different vehicles on them. There is a wide range of different images, from fire truck to fighter jets. I know when my stepson was young he would have loved to have some of these.
Is your child inspiring to be a fireman? Get them a shirt with a very cool firetruck on the front. The images are awesome life like, detailed images like I have not seen before.
Here is the image I took of the shirt I received for this review:
This is the picture I took not the best quality.
I started this blog to help people to understand that Mental Illness is just that an Illness. An illness like diabetes and the like. It is treatable, although not easy to treat and a long road to stability, it is treatable.
We have to live a bit differently at times in our lives than others do, a lot of us end up on disability as keeping stress at a minimum keeps us from being out of hand. We fight our illness’ daily and we struggle just like anyone with a physical disability might, the difference being you can’t always see our disability but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
I have had the opportunity to read this awesome book by HB Heinzer, Bent.
This is one of those books you just cannot put down. I have been sick for the past week and I sat down tonight to read it and I just couldn’t put it down.
Welcome to my very first Book tour. My very good friend has started Daydreams Book Tours and I am proud to be part of this event. I hope you all enjoy it!
I love to read and I am sure you do too. My oldest daughter is a huge reader and spends hours a day reading. Its such a great escape from daily stress.
Here’s some info about HB and her book Bent.
You can follow HB Heinzer on facebook and twitter. Make sure you visit her blog too Musings from my alcove and follow her on Goodreads. And here’s a little bit about HB.
This post is about the symptoms that come with mood changes for me and how they affect my daily life. Not only the mood changes but the confused thoughts and other things…
At times I am happy, laughing and joking and other moments I am indifferent. My thoughts race and then will slow so much I lose my words. I stop mid sentence on a word that I just can’t get out. I don’t mean I stutter around it, I mean I open my mouth and nothing comes out. The word is floating in my head but not making its way to my lips. I say um as many times as it takes and it eventually comes out. It is strange but I can actually visualize the word but can’t get it out. I am not sure how often others deal with this symptom but for me it’s pretty frequent these days.
So I am sure that most of you have watched me struggle this past year or so with the ups and downs of my illness. I was stable for a long time but that day has come and gone and its time to be honest and fully accept and admit I am not feeling very stable. Such is life with Bipolar Disorder!
I have truly struggled with being honest with myself about how stable or unstable my moods really are. I finally decided it was time to stop struggling and reach out for some real help. I met with my psychiatrist last week after having to move my appointment several times due to being sick, and we are starting on an additional medicine. Continue reading »
Well, its time to finally bring you all up to date here. I have been sick for 3 full weeks and it was a nasty flu so I was completely down for 2 of those weeks. I have done nothing till this week. Before I was sick my youngest was sick for 3 weeks, and now my oldest is sick with this flu. Things are just far from normal around here.
My girls just a couple weeks ago
It seems every time I planned on getting back to my blog something new would happen or the sickness would kick in and down I would go. So I have one kid that will be sick for the next 3 weeks and will be working a bit but it is time to get back to it.
My moods are a bit up and down of course, money is way tight as we have had doctor appointments and extra cold medicines and antibiotics, so my stress level is of course very high. Stress does not help my moods and being sick has really made me tired. Not to speak of the fact that my kids are home from school for the summer so they are sick and bored and driving me insane.
My youngest daughter had a major falling out with her father over the way her sister was being treated by him and her stepmother. She said she just couldn’t take anymore and doesn’t want to spend time with him and his wife any longer. This breaks my heart but I knew it would eventually happen. As she has gotten older she really has not been taking the stress Continue reading »
Me Juggling Life!
Today I made a couple of Big decisions and I am just beginning to feel the relief. I have addressed a few problems that I had been putting off. Seems to be one of my symptoms to put stuff off, especially stuff I really don’t know how to handle, or a situation I have never been in!
I have never been good with my finances. I tend to not keep close enough eye on my money and times are tough right now so I have fallen behind on most of my credit bills. We run out of money 2 weeks after I get paid and I get paid once a month. I just pray we don’t run out of something we can’t live without but this past month I had to borrow money from Carl to get through. That is super embarrassing for me. I am at a point in my life that I have never been at before, I have never been in a position that I couldn’t pay my bills on time and with the increase in cost Continue reading »
Hey everyone! I have been so busy lately with things in life and on the blog and my research on Clair-sentience and other topics. I haven’t posted here lately as the reviews and giveaways I agreed to had fallen behind. So here I am giving you an update.
My daughter, as you know if you read my last post, is back to having problems with her father, she is highly depressed once again. I feel so badly for her and am so angry with him. I need to Continue reading »
This is where I want to be!
I guess it is time I just flat out be honest with myself and stop saying I am overwhelmed and tired from the work. I am Depressed! No other way to put it. I have not felt like this in a while and I hope I can pull out of it by increasing medicines but I am depressed on a serious level.
I am exhausted, from the inside out. Everything is taking a major effort! I am crabby to my kids and impatient. Sorry girls!! I am emotional and my body aches. I am trying to pull out of it!! Continue reading »
♥ ♥ This evening I realized I have been thinking a lot lately… What does this mean to me?
This thinking could mean several things! I noticed that I am feeling down and thinking about different things in my life. Is this a new episode of Depression? Is this just the time of year? Am I feeling like I am missing something in my life? Is there something more
I can do for others? Am I letting anyone down? Am I letting myself down in some way?
Honestly I’m not sure the answer to any of those questions! I just know I am thinking and wondering many different things. I pray that I am not falling into a Depression that will affect the people around me negatively. Don’t get me wrong I am happy in my life, things have improved so much over the past month within my mind, but it leaves me wondering whats the next mood going to be.
Did I stabilize or did I just shift moods?
This is a question I ask myself often in my life, why? Because if I don’t who will? I am in control and have to stay that way, its part of my daily work to live “normally”. Part of my daily work to have life “normal” for my kids and those around me! I’m not sure how many of you realize that we who have mental illness work hard everyday to control the part of our brains that don’t work “normally”. It’s exhausting work sometimes.. well all the time. It is part of our daily lives and the effort it takes to constantly study our reactions, behaviors, feelings, choices etc is immense. Are we always successful? No of course we aren’t but we are harder on our selves when we don’t than any person with a “normal” functioning brain would ever dream of..
We are deeply caring and intuitive people usually. We aren’t dumb in any way, we are typically quite intelligent. I am more intuitive and giving than book smart but I feel deeply, deeper than anyone I know. I have this empathy for people which tunes into how people feel and it’s exhausting sometimes. My emotions are high at all times! Yet I have to work to control every possible thing I can within myself and my Bipolar symptoms!
Anyway you can see that I am spending a good part of my energy thinking lately! I have been so busy with the kids and the holidays and I haven’t had the time I need online. I am trying not to stress about it but stress is what I do!
Really I think I just wanted to give you insight into how things are for me where my mind is and my attempt at “normal” life!
“Success in life comes to those who simply refuse to give up; individuals with vision so strong that obstacles, failure and loss only act as teachings.”
Silken Laumann
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw
Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net – graur razvan ionut’s portfolio is: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=987
Today turned out to be a stressful day. It seems that the pressures of my life and my dysfunctional mind is really getting to me.
If you have read my other stuff you can probably see that I put undue pressure on myself. Especially where it comes to helping others! Well I help anyone with almost anything whether it fits into my life or not…and once again another friend let me down. Wasn’t the end of the world but it really left me hurt and depressed. No need to get into it now!
I don’t usually expect people to return favors of any kind, I find it easier to not expect it but when you are a good friend to someone and you help them with a lot, it can really let you down when they don’t think of you. Especially at this time of the year!
I expect someone, I call a friend, to actually be a friend to me on a similar level I am to them. Lesson learned, people are who they are and you can’t give them more credit than they deserve, lower your expectations and you won’t be hurt. ♥♥♥
I had a major melt down today! My friend let me down and it hurt me and then I talked to my mother. She is fighting with her landlord and is sure he will be telling her to move, but she thinks he is being extra nasty now to try to drive her out so he doesn’t have to evict her. Keep in mind my mother is living on 930.00 a month, you can’t get an apartment for that bit much less anything else. Her and I have always had a difficult relationship. Today she tells me she is going to confront the landlord and ask him if he is going to make her move. I freaked I said, “Oh, no you won’t. listen I can’t take you in now I have enough going on I can’t make my rent and we don’t get along.” I kept telling her don’t you dare, you ride this out till we can figure out where your moving to.” She says she is planning on living in her car. That conversation continued till she got really mad and said, in a nasty tone, I will talk to you later I’m sure your busy, or something like that. :(
My daughter is home sick I’m worried about her.. waiting to hear from her father who is asking his doctor if he will see her as my doctor is not open today. Then I get a text from his new wife telling me he isn’t available and to try not to get mad that she is texting me. Too Late! So I had to get her out of bed and get her dressed to leave.
Then I get a call from a creditor, yes my bills are behind because of my limited income. Not an easy time for me. Kills me to pay things late. But to go a bit further I’m also short for rent that is due on the first about 75.00 short. I have turned in all my recycling and took the coins to the bank but still, I’m short. This really scares me, I have to pay rent or I might lose it!!
My partner on the website is attempting to talk to me and I have all this on my mind and can’t concentrate can’t remember my passwords or even my name as all I can think of is whats going on around me and my finances. Swirling Bipolar Mind!!
Left the doctor, thankfully my daughter isn’t seriously ill and he gave her antibiotics that will hopefully help her. I have her call her dad on the way home to tell him the outcome of the doctor appointment, he tells her that during work he had an accident. He is a truck driver for a large company, delivers equipment. Sounds like his fault and the company he works for has been looking for a reason to fire him so I am assuming he will lose his job. Which means NO Insurance for the kids, and where is the child support going to come from that I rely on each month. Not to speak of the medicine costs and doctors visits that are required due to our mental health issues.
Ok so you can see my mind is swirling and by the time I was at the high school picking up my daughter, I’m losing it! What do I do? I call my mom thinking I could vent to her as I don’t know who else to call and what does she do?? She complains non-stop about her landlord and issues till I interrupt her and blurt everything out. Not helpful because by the time I got it out and upset my daughter was at the car with her teenage attitude. She immediately tells me in that teenager attitude voice to move my wallet. I’m wound so tight by then that I tell my mom I have to go and hang up. Then my daughter says, “whats your problem?” This is great… I continue to rattle off every problem I have from the website and not having enough time to the fact that we can’t make rent and we have no milk..LOL :( Poor kid I dumped it all out in the car and she didn’t know what to do… She just sat quietly.
Do you hear the wind-up happening??? Oh yes and it gets better… I get home and Carl calls and he immediately asks,”are you ok??” Yep I answered honestly and began to cry. Told him everything that is bothering me and that I’m falling apart. He really didn’t know what to say but he offered me money, I of course said, “No thank you I will work it out.” He is a great guy really. ♥♥ He patiently listened and when I apologized for losing it like that he said well we all do it. I let stuff get to me too and sometimes it just seems like it won’t stop coming at you.
I then recovered and asked him about his day etc and laughed about my breaking down.
I was so upset then I try to sit down to work on the site and blog and I just can’t do it so I tell Sonya I am losing it and have to go. Then I hung out with the kids and made some pizza and here I am. Still stressed and attempting to function.. Oh Happy Holiday Season from a Bipolar mind! :)
You just gotta chuckle at it all don’t ya? ♥
Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to improve or survive life?
I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives. You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness. 6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life.
I have had similar experiences with my father. Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial. I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way. We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations! I had to do what was right for my family.
It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away. Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me. He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist.
In the end, my husband cheated on me and I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah. Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house. We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. Devastating really. It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt. It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life.
One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me. Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness! At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost. There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!
I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids. Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken. The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart. It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy! Something I have never been in my entire life. I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything. He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year. My girls even like him so that’s a plus!
I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning. I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it. It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with work and support from doctors and therapists. There is help out there but you will have to go find it!!
Have you had a serious fight with your mother before?? I sure have…I told you I worked for her for many years and that began to come to a close when she got angry for some unknown reason and came after me as I left work. She followed me into the hallway to the parking lot and was yelling at me, and she said “F**** You!” I happened to be holding a cup of soda, I turned around and said,”No, F*** You! and as I said that I threw my cup of soda at her. I had taken a lot of unnecessary bullying from my mother for years but now I was old enough it wasn’t going to continue. Shortly after that she closed the store as it was failing.
I lived alone for several years, after having a room-mate for 6 months and that not working out! I took a job in an insurance office and began to learn about all lines of insurance. I was making 1000.00 a month salary.. so I brought home 850.00 after taxes and my rent was 535.00 so I was only able to pay my bills. I went through a period of starving myself to lose weight and got very ill. I was off work for 3 weeks and almost lost my job. My depression was so deep and getting deeper by the day.
I was having a problem leaving my house. My anxiety was severe and hindering every move I made. I had terrible night mares and felt alone! I knew I was in trouble… I had to find a way to leave the house and not be in tears. I picked a drug store to go to when I felt that I couldn’t leave the house. I went there several times a day sometimes, trying to get rid of my anxiety. It took months but it really helped. I was really pushing people away. My one friend from high school took the brunt of my uncontrollable moods. To my surprise she loved me anyway, she was the one person in my life that could see the real me under the rage, depression, hypo-mania episodes and anxiety! She taught me I was worth while and lovable. Up to that time I didn’t think much of myself, honestly I hated myself!
That tornado of rage, pain, self hate and depression kept swirling inside me. I continued to get angrier and more reactive, my depression was in control. I could hear my mother’s voice at every turn telling me how useless I was and degrading me. Then my mood would swing and I would be annoyingly funny and happy. My moods swung rapidly and I was loosing more and more control. I was about 19 at this time, and really confused about Life!….
Alright, I have caught you up on my Mother, who raised me. Thinking back my mother had severe depression, just like me! I want to be clear we actually had a good life outside of the emotional issues that were dragging us all down. We had pets and the general things kids need.
My depression started very young and it just grew and grew! I remember wanting to commit suicide, I was in the 4th grade, my friend knew I was really unhappy and I ended up telling her how I felt. I hated the way I was feeling but I felt ending my life would give me the relief I so desperately wanted. Depression fogged my mind so I couldn’t see beyond the darkness! We had moved many times and I never had friends due to my low self-esteem, but this year I had
Stephanie my life saver, this is her!
this terrific friend, Stephanie. Stephanie saved my life that year by caring about me, showing me I was lovable and could be cared about. After that I never considered suicide again, it just isn’t an option! (If you feel suicidal please talk to a good friend, call a doctor or a hotline. There are caring people who want to help simply look in your local phone book or search the internet for your local suicide hotline)
At about this age I began putting on weight. My mother really harped on my weight but that made me eat more, sneak food when she wasn’t looking. I had absolutely NO control over my emotional eating and I continued to put on weight. When I felt life was hopeless I would go out to the horses and sit in their corals with them. I talked to the horses and hugged on them, fed them grains and treats like sugar cubes. It made me feel better every time but it was short-lived. As I continued to gain weight I had to start wearing women’s sizes, that made me feel different from other kids. I couldn’t get the styles everyone was wearing and things just didn’t fit me right, and I already felt different from every one.
Every year I gained more weight, my self-esteem continued to plummet and I began feeling angry. The only way I could describe it was like a tornado of anger inside me constantly swirling. I could get no relief! I began to lash out often, and was on my moms bad side all the time! Never a good place to be believe me! I began hiding from my mom by sitting in the chicken coop or in the stalls with the horses so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I spent many hours with my pets crying.
Then about 5th grade I began stealing cigarettes from my mom’s purse, and would sneak out into the field behind our home and smoke. Contractors were building homes in the field and for a long time they had deep ditches for the pipes to go in and I would hide in those. I thought maybe the cigarettes would help me feel better about myself. I know a child’s mind is a strange place, especially a depressed child. Honestly that’s what I thought would make me feel better and I was rebelling. I also started experimenting with a bit of alcohol I would sneak out of the house but I didn’t like that thank goodness.
There were times I would go to my dad’s for the weekend and I would come home to my room completely torn apart by my mother. Every drawer would be removed from my dresser and dumped in the middle of the room. Every item from my closet would be in that same pile on the floor, and my bed would be turned over then placed on top of the pile.
I am mentioning this because my mother was ill, she didn’t know it but she raged out of control often. These are symptoms of depression and I’m hoping to help people understand mental illness better. I’m honestly not whining about the abuse we suffered by the hand of my mother, I am over that and I accept her for who she is and know she did her best with us kids. She worked very hard all our lives. We turned out good so she must have done something right! These behaviors of my mothers were what I would swear every time they happened I would never treat my children the way I was, but you will hear about that later…