Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to improve or survive life?
I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives. You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness. 6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life.
I have had similar experiences with my father. Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial. I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way. We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations! I had to do what was right for my family.
It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away. Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me. He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist.
In the end, my husband cheated on me and I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah. Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house. We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. Devastating really. It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt. It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life.
One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me. Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness! At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost. There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!
I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids. Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken. The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart. It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy! Something I have never been in my entire life. I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything. He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year. My girls even like him so that’s a plus!
I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning. I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it. It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with work and support from doctors and therapists. There is help out there but you will have to go find it!!