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Depression and Sleep..

Image of Woman Laying in Bed

This is where I want to be!

I admitted to myself and the world yesterday I am deeply depressed, slipped right into a major depression when I wasn’t looking.  I am not sleeping. I sleep but I never really rest, my mind is going like I am awake and I wake up in the morning exhausted with thoughts swirling in my brain.

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Another Loss…

I received a call yesterday that a family friend had passed away unexpectedly. Unfortunately, this is the husband of the woman I spoke of in an earlier post Losing Someone.  She passed away just a few short weeks ago of cancer and now her husband has passed away suddenly.

This family was extended family for me, I have known them since I was 3 yrs old and have been friends with their daughter, Bonnie, since then.  Bonnie and I haven’t talked in a couple years because she lives in another state and we have lost touch.  I am so worried about her and her sister!! The loss of both parents in such a short time has to be over overwhelmingly devastating!  

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Inspiration

I decided to take a suggestion from a friend at a site called A Band Of Wives, which I am a member of, and post some more inspirational thoughts. Today I decided to pull a few Saying and quotes and post a few pictures. Thanks Leila! 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller 

“All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” ~Walt Disney~


Image of Inspirational stones

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
~ James Neil Hollingworth

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s,
we’d most likely run to grab ours back.
~ 90 yr old Regina Bennett

“Real happiness comes from inside. Nobody can give it to you.”
~Sharon Stone~

Image of Gateway to the past

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings.

Thank you for visiting today!! :D

Shauna xxx 

Image Tree in Snow Image: Marcus74id / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image Inspirational stones Image: Photography by BJWOK / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image Rushing River Image: Maggie Smith / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image Couple Jumping Image: Tanatat / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image Gateway to the past Image: prozac1 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Complain, Complain Complain… Thankful!

Do you ever feel like you get in a rut and negativity starts to poke its ugly head out and influence your life?  I know I do and I’m here to say it’s not staying for long!  A positive thought process has taken me a long way over the last few years so I’m not letting ugly negativity visit my life for an extended period! 

Sun Breaking thru the clouds  I have thought lately and I feel like I have just been  complaining.  I am having a hard time now but Life is  good at  the same time.   

 I have had so many people support me that I have just met on  twitter, Facebook, Our Mom Spot, A Band of Wives, other  bloggers and so many more, too many to mention… I am  thankful for the much-needed kind words and encouragement from you all.  I certainly have many things to be happy about and I want you all to know that I appreciate your support and kind words and funny interactions! 

The comments that have been left for me on my posts have meant a lot to me.  You are all encouraging, thoughtful and can really boost someone up.  Simply knowing I’m not alone or semi understood brings a bit of peace to my sometimes crazy whirlwind mind.   

The blogs and websites that I have been shown by you all have been very inspiring and I might say eye-opening.  I have family that is there for me , my girls are the light of my life and lets not forget that special guy in my life Carl but this online world means a lot to me too.   

I have a blog roll running of the sites I enjoy, you should go take a look at them.  I do have some to add just have to get organized.. ha ha ha Good luck with that right.. LOL 

I am kept very busy at the site im partnering with Sonya on, it’s called LeanOnUs.co and I don’t get to spend as much time on a lot of these sites I enjoy so much.  It’s nice to know that you are all there and just a click away if I’m  looking for inspiration or advice.  I have really enjoyed the new friends I have made on twitter. 

Our site LeanOnUs.co is a friendship, support, informational site/forum meant to be a safe haven to share your views/opinions  and for those of us that need help with the difficult days life can bring.  We do not pretend to be doctors, just caring people there to lend a hand.  I would love you to visit and register to be part of our Dream. 

I don’t mean to be corny but I love you all… There is a special spot in my heart for you! 

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Big Changes… A Hard Road to Navigate…

Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to  improve or survive life? 

I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives.  You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness.  6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life. 

I have had similar experiences with my father.  Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial.  I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way.   We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations!  I had to do what was right for my family.  

It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away.  Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me.  He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist. 

In the end, my husband cheated on me and  I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah.  Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house.  We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. :(  Devastating really.  It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt.  It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life. 

One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me.  Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness!  At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost.  There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!

I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids.  Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken.  The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart.   It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy!  Something I have never been in my entire life.  I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything.  He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year.  My girls even like him so that’s a plus!  

I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning.  I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it.  It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with  work and support from doctors and therapists.  There is help out there but you will have to go find it!! 

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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