Alright, I have caught you up on my Mother, who raised me. Thinking back my mother had severe depression, just like me! I want to be clear we actually had a good life outside of the emotional issues that were dragging us all down. We had pets and the general things kids need.
My depression started very young and it just grew and grew! I remember wanting to commit suicide, I was in the 4th grade, my friend knew I was really unhappy and I ended up telling her how I felt. I hated the way I was feeling but I felt ending my life would give me the relief I so desperately wanted. Depression fogged my mind so I couldn’t see beyond the darkness! We had moved many times and I never had friends due to my low self-esteem, but this year I had
Stephanie my life saver, this is her!
this terrific friend, Stephanie. Stephanie saved my life that year by caring about me, showing me I was lovable and could be cared about. After that I never considered suicide again, it just isn’t an option! (If you feel suicidal please talk to a good friend, call a doctor or a hotline. There are caring people who want to help simply look in your local phone book or search the internet for your local suicide hotline)
At about this age I began putting on weight. My mother really harped on my weight but that made me eat more, sneak food when she wasn’t looking. I had absolutely NO control over my emotional eating and I continued to put on weight. When I felt life was hopeless I would go out to the horses and sit in their corals with them. I talked to the horses and hugged on them, fed them grains and treats like sugar cubes. It made me feel better every time but it was short-lived. As I continued to gain weight I had to start wearing women’s sizes, that made me feel different from other kids. I couldn’t get the styles everyone was wearing and things just didn’t fit me right, and I already felt different from every one.
Every year I gained more weight, my self-esteem continued to plummet and I began feeling angry. The only way I could describe it was like a tornado of anger inside me constantly swirling. I could get no relief! I began to lash out often, and was on my moms bad side all the time! Never a good place to be believe me! I began hiding from my mom by sitting in the chicken coop or in the stalls with the horses so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I spent many hours with my pets crying.
Then about 5th grade I began stealing cigarettes from my mom’s purse, and would sneak out into the field behind our home and smoke. Contractors were building homes in the field and for a long time they had deep ditches for the pipes to go in and I would hide in those. I thought maybe the cigarettes would help me feel better about myself. I know a child’s mind is a strange place, especially a depressed child. Honestly that’s what I thought would make me feel better and I was rebelling. I also started experimenting with a bit of alcohol I would sneak out of the house but I didn’t like that thank goodness.
There were times I would go to my dad’s for the weekend and I would come home to my room completely torn apart by my mother. Every drawer would be removed from my dresser and dumped in the middle of the room. Every item from my closet would be in that same pile on the floor, and my bed would be turned over then placed on top of the pile.
I am mentioning this because my mother was ill, she didn’t know it but she raged out of control often. These are symptoms of depression and I’m hoping to help people understand mental illness better. I’m honestly not whining about the abuse we suffered by the hand of my mother, I am over that and I accept her for who she is and know she did her best with us kids. She worked very hard all our lives. We turned out good so she must have done something right! These behaviors of my mothers were what I would swear every time they happened I would never treat my children the way I was, but you will hear about that later…