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Review: Emotional Abuse; Silent Killer of Marriage – A 30-Year Abuser Speaks Out


Emotional-abuse

Book Title: Emotional Abuse; Silent Killer of Marriage – A 30-Year Abuser Speaks Out

Author: Austin James

Book on Amazon.com 

 

I was very interested in reading this book because throughout my life I have seen a lot of abusive Men and Women and honestly, I wanted to see if this book could help me to understand it a bit. What I went through, what I may have done to others in my worst times, when my illness was out of control and I was out of touch. So when I began to read this book I had high expectations of what I might learn from an actual admitted and in the healing process emotional abuser.

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Is it depression or a lack of vitamins?

Doctor-Smiling

Okay to be honest, it is probably both. A bit of depression and a real lack of Vitamin D and B. According to my doctor I have some inflammation issues with in my body, and that is causing some problems along with a lack of vitamins. He gave me a shot, that contained I think B vitamins and something else to help heal mutant cells.  What does that mean? No idea but I trust this man and he said I will start to lose inches as well. Works for me can I get another shot next week?  lol  just kidding.

So I have my normal depression issues which haven’t been a huge issue till this last year. You all have seen my moods fluctuate drastically and some of that was exhaustion as with out a balance in my body I am not sleeping well and am exhausted all the time. Yesterday was really bad. After my doctor appointment and the shot he gave me by the later afternoon I began to have more energy and feel better all the way around. Still tired but he expects me to see a huge change by Friday.

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Looking back at my Bipolar past

Sad-ballerina

I have been doing some reflecting on my past, prior to treatment to getting into treatment and the years of counseling, doctor appointments and medicines. I have to say there were many years that were rocky at best especially prior to treatment, when I had no idea what was wrong and why I was such a bitch sometimes. There is no other way to put it sorry!

I remember that lost lonely, angry, sad, hopeless feeling that I had day after day after day. The out of control emotions, the anger, the screaming (for no reason), the abuse I put my family through (verbal).

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Refining the Culture of Your Home

GUEST POST by Becky W.home-decor

Most people, when they think about redoing their home think about the practical side of things. They think about what kind of flooring to put in, what brand of paint to use, what sort of furniture to buy. There is more to it than that.

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When Times are Tough

This post is being written to bring attention to a community I have been part of from the start in 2011. LeanOnUs.co is a site/community reaching out to those who need a shoulder to lean on or a good listener, information on illness or just to know you aren’t alone in whatever life situation you may be going through.

This community has touched many people and we would like to keep going, offering that support and friendship you can’t find everyday.

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Helping Out a Fellow Friend

Sonya-LeanOnUs

As you all know I spent a full year and countless hours helping my good friend, Sonya, launch her website.Her site is called LeanOnUs.co and she has started this site to reach out to the ordinary person who may need a bit of support or a kind word. I cannot tell you the countless hours she has spent not to speak of the money it has taken to keep this site going for well over a year. I spent full time hours plus some on helping her out the first year and furthering the site but when my own things took over I was not able to take the pressure of helping there as well.

Since the time I quit helping Sonya has worked this site alone, with no financial help or any other help from me. Let me explain to you her situation.Without getting too personal, Sonya is home with her disabled husband and her 13 year old son. She cannot work as her husband needs her home to help take care of him. His illness is getting worse and the limited income they have is not supporting the site. This site is her Dream and her only hobby, if you call it that! Sonya is one of the nicest, thoughtful people I have ever met and she just wants to help society in any little way she can. The financial needs of the site are crippling their limited income and she needs to raise funds to help keep the site running.

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Natural Vitality Giveaway


Are you wanting to start out the new year on a healthier note? This giveaway will help you do just that, a gift card to Natural Vitality can get you started. I have joined several great blogs for this great giveaway! To enter to win, simply complete the rafflecopter form below! Good luck!!

This ends January 23, 2013 so don’t wait!

natural-vitality-giftcard

Is getting healthier on your list of New Year’s Resolutions this year? Well, we have a great way for you to kick start that in 2013! How does winning a $50.00 Natural Vitality gift card sound?

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No Cost Blogger Opp ~ Wee Rock Giveaway

Calling all bloggers.. get in on this great opportunity to help out on a fun giveaway for kids.. check out the details below and tell them Shauna Smith sent you!! Thanks a million.. Giveaway Starts 01/17/13 so hurry and sign up!

wee-rock-button

 

Attention bloggers, I have an exciting giveaway opportunity to help one of our readers start their New Year off on an eco-friendly note! The Green Moms Network has teamed up with Wee Rock Toy Co. to giveaway one of their heirloom-quality rockers ($300 value!).

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MindField Online


Money-Tree

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If you want to earn a bit of extra cash by doing surveys and testing products, sign up at MindField.

This is my link sign up and I earn a small referral fee. Help out a broke girl and sign up now. You can earn some extra cash and they have a low pay out threshold of $5.00.

Click here to sign up and help me out.

 

 

 

There are Affiliate links in this post.. 

Image courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Being Honest with My Bipolar Brain

Sad Woman Sitting Alone

So I am sure that most of you have watched me struggle this past year or so with the ups and downs of my illness. I was stable for a long time but that day has come and gone and its time to be honest and fully accept and admit I am not feeling very stable. Such is life with Bipolar Disorder!

I have truly struggled with being honest with myself about how stable or unstable my moods really are. I finally decided it was time to stop struggling and reach out for some real help. I met with my psychiatrist last week after having to move my appointment several times due to being sick, and we are starting on an additional medicine.

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Jenson’s Journey

I am sharing today a video that recaps a life of a child that was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy when he was 8 months old. You can imagine his life has been a bit harder than some of us!  There is a surgery that he needs, called Selective Dorsal Rhitzotomy, that will greatly enhance his quality of life. It will allow him to move around better, improve his leg movements.

He lives in the U.K. but needs to come here to the United States to have this very specialized surgery. They are trying to raise funds to help this family, this boy get the surgery he so desperately needs. I am including the video in this post I urge you to watch it. The spirit of this child is captivating. I urge anyone that can help to help out or at least share the story with others.

Website: Jensen’s Journey

Fundrazer Campaign link: https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/aMsq9

More about the surgery: http://www.stlouischildrens.org/

Here is the video:

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Being Trapped in a Dark Place…

Image of Clouds and sun

 

I was talking to my friend Sonya and I mentioned to her that in the early days, before I had been diagnosed bipolar II, I felt as if I was trapped in a very dark place inside myself unable to get out and be who I really am.  This feeling was present at a very early age, this feeling trapped inside.

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College Costs and Navigating Financial Aid…

Being that time of year, when a lot of kids are graduating from high school or even if you still have a couple years left, like my kids do. I thought you really should know what to expect and how costly it can be and how to navigate the Financial Aid Process.

I am hoping this with help you a bit with your process:

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Addictions and Mental Health

I’m sure it is no secret that a lot of people with addiction issues also have co-occurring mental illness.  There is a good amount of time that we are using drugs or alcohol or even tobacco to help control our mental illness symptoms and survive daily life.  People will self medicate with drugs, alcohol and tobacco without even knowing it.

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Do You Have a Disorganized Mind?

Picture of Frustrated woman

OK I know This is exaggerating.

Sometimes I feel lost in my disorganized mind, it just swirls and swirls like a top. It’s like I see my thoughts flying by but can’t grab a hold of them or think them through.  There seems to be so many thoughts whirling around I don’t know where to start or how to capture them. It makes me feel lost and overwhelmed.

Obviously I have my hands in too many fires but they are all necessary right now, so the key would be getting organized, I think.  I sit down to make a list and my thoughts all leave me, and I’m sitting with a blank mind. Although I know somewhere in there my thoughts are swirling. Ugh frustration!!

I know part of my issue is that I put things off especially when I feel this way. Then I loose track of time and am under the gun to get stuff done and I sit in my confusion doing nothing.  42 yrs old and here I sit never have learned how to deal with the dysfunction of my mind, well this part of it anyway.

Do any of you feel this way ever?  If so, How do you stop it?  How do you get organized?

I am looking for some help here.. I hate admitting that my mind is this way but it is the truth and I can’t figure out how to deal with it!  If you have any solid ideas please feel free to leave me a comment.

I am truly not whining just looking for ideas..

Thanks Everyone! May you have a life filled with happiness!

Shauna

 

Image: David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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School During those years…

OK I just covered basically through 4th grade on what my home life was like and such… I want to explain today what I went through in school,with other kids, as a depressed child.

I was bullied by every confident child in the school… OK maybe not all of them but a lot of them. From the time I was in 1st grade and walked to school I had problems with being bullied. I got chased home daily by a couple of boys that would push me, smack me, poke me, and say really nasty things to me. It was so awful and I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve it. Then one day I snapped, when one of the boys pushed me I stood up went directly to him and kicked him in his privates, hard. So I went home and told my mom and next thing I know the principle is calling. They were going to punish me for standing up to these boys that had bullied me for the school year. My mother had reported the issue to the principle before so she put him in his place, and I wasn’t punished just reprimanded. This type of thing went on through my schooling different kids and different schools but the same treatment.

These kids that are naturally bullies seem to have a knack for choosing the emotionally week kids to pick on. It is so hurtful to your self-worth and just made my depression worse. I did learn to stand up for myself more but always feared getting in trouble. I wanted people to like me so badly, but felt so worthless. Depression makes you feel so lost and different from others. I carried anxiety and fear with me every where I went. I was one of those kids that rarely spoke and always looks down when you are walking.

In these years, 3rd, 4th and 5th grade, I began to withdraw. I had less and less friends and just wanted to be left alone. Hated school, was gaining weight and getting made fun of by, what seemed at the time, everyone. The anger in me and that tornado of anxiety, fear and rage was growing and I would start to react strangely. Typically with Anger or Emotions, there were times my emotions were so out of control that I cried almost non-stop.

This wasn’t necessarily because of the way I was bullied but the way I interpreted my treatment by everyone in my life. Depression is like seeing the world through negative, dark foggy lenses. You really don’t see anything like others do, not at this age with the depression I had. My mother actually recognized that things weren’t good for me and I began having troubles breathing, Panic attacks I believe, so she took me to doctors but they couldn’t find anything wrong and it wasn’t alright then to discuss depression in a child. Thankfully for my children that has changed in our society, my girls both have inherited depression issues. I am more easily able to get them help since I have done research and found an excellent doctor to care for us all.. But once again I will talk about that later in my posts….

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Life as a Depressed Child…

Alright, I have caught you up on my Mother, who raised me. Thinking back my mother had severe depression, just like me! I want to be clear we actually had a good life outside of the emotional issues that were dragging us all down. We had pets and the general things kids need.

My depression started very young and it just grew and grew! I remember wanting to commit suicide, I was in the 4th grade, my friend knew I was really unhappy and I ended up telling her how I felt. I hated the way I was feeling but I felt ending my life would give me the relief I so desperately wanted. Depression fogged my mind so I couldn’t see beyond the darkness! We had moved many times and I never had friends due to my low self-esteem, but this year I had

Stephanie my life saver, this is her!

this terrific friend, Stephanie. Stephanie saved my life that year by caring about me, showing me I was lovable and could be cared about. After that I never considered suicide again, it just isn’t an option! (If you feel suicidal please talk to a good friend, call a doctor or a hotline. There are caring people who want to help simply look in your local phone book or search the internet for your local suicide hotline)

At about this age I began putting on weight. My mother really harped on my weight but that made me eat more, sneak food when she wasn’t looking. I had absolutely NO control over my emotional eating and I continued to put on weight. When I felt life was hopeless I would go out to the horses and sit in their corals with them. I talked to the horses and hugged on them, fed them grains and treats like sugar cubes. It made me feel better every time but it was short-lived. As I continued to gain weight I had to start wearing women’s sizes, that made me feel different from other kids. I couldn’t get the styles everyone was wearing and things just didn’t fit me right, and I already felt different from every one.

Every year I gained more weight, my self-esteem continued to plummet and I began feeling angry. The only way I could describe it was like a tornado of anger inside me constantly swirling. I could get no relief! I began to lash out often, and was on my moms bad side all the time! Never a good place to be believe me! I began hiding from my mom by sitting in the chicken coop or in the stalls with the horses so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I spent many hours with my pets crying.

Then about 5th grade I began stealing cigarettes from my mom’s purse, and would sneak out into the field behind our home and smoke. Contractors were building homes in the field and for a long time they had deep ditches for the pipes to go in and I would hide in those. I thought maybe the cigarettes would help me feel better about myself. I know a child’s mind is a strange place, especially a depressed child. Honestly that’s what I thought would make me feel better and I was rebelling. I also started experimenting with a bit of alcohol I would sneak out of the house but I didn’t like that thank goodness.

There were times I would go to my dad’s for the weekend and I would come home to my room completely torn apart by my mother. Every drawer would be removed from my dresser and dumped in the middle of the room. Every item from my closet would be in that same pile on the floor, and my bed would be turned over then placed on top of the pile.

I am mentioning this because my mother was ill, she didn’t know it but she raged out of control often. These are symptoms of depression and I’m hoping to help people understand mental illness better. I’m honestly not whining about the abuse we suffered by the hand of my mother, I am over that and I accept her for who she is and know she did her best with us kids. She worked very hard all our lives. We turned out good so she must have done something right! These behaviors of my mothers were what I would swear every time they happened I would never treat my children the way I was, but you will hear about that later…

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