OK I just covered basically through 4th grade on what my home life was like and such… I want to explain today what I went through in school,with other kids, as a depressed child.
I was bullied by every confident child in the school… OK maybe not all of them but a lot of them. From the time I was in 1st grade and walked to school I had problems with being bullied. I got chased home daily by a couple of boys that would push me, smack me, poke me, and say really nasty things to me. It was so awful and I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve it. Then one day I snapped, when one of the boys pushed me I stood up went directly to him and kicked him in his privates, hard. So I went home and told my mom and next thing I know the principle is calling. They were going to punish me for standing up to these boys that had bullied me for the school year. My mother had reported the issue to the principle before so she put him in his place, and I wasn’t punished just reprimanded. This type of thing went on through my schooling different kids and different schools but the same treatment.
These kids that are naturally bullies seem to have a knack for choosing the emotionally week kids to pick on. It is so hurtful to your self-worth and just made my depression worse. I did learn to stand up for myself more but always feared getting in trouble. I wanted people to like me so badly, but felt so worthless. Depression makes you feel so lost and different from others. I carried anxiety and fear with me every where I went. I was one of those kids that rarely spoke and always looks down when you are walking.
In these years, 3rd, 4th and 5th grade, I began to withdraw. I had less and less friends and just wanted to be left alone. Hated school, was gaining weight and getting made fun of by, what seemed at the time, everyone. The anger in me and that tornado of anxiety, fear and rage was growing and I would start to react strangely. Typically with Anger or Emotions, there were times my emotions were so out of control that I cried almost non-stop.
This wasn’t necessarily because of the way I was bullied but the way I interpreted my treatment by everyone in my life. Depression is like seeing the world through negative, dark foggy lenses. You really don’t see anything like others do, not at this age with the depression I had. My mother actually recognized that things weren’t good for me and I began having troubles breathing, Panic attacks I believe, so she took me to doctors but they couldn’t find anything wrong and it wasn’t alright then to discuss depression in a child. Thankfully for my children that has changed in our society, my girls both have inherited depression issues. I am more easily able to get them help since I have done research and found an excellent doctor to care for us all.. But once again I will talk about that later in my posts….
