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Get Your Free Recipe Book for Diabetics

I have found that a number of people have diabetes, as our weight issues get out of hand we have higher risk of developing diabetes and with the medicines a lot of us take, we have gained weight. So I posted this free book, it is an affiliate link so I may earn a small commission, if you take this offer.

 SORRY THIS IS NO LONGER AVAILABLE.. WATCH FOR MORE COMING SOON!

Get a FREE recipe book from Desserts for Diabetes! Fill out your information, take a quick survey then download your FREE recipe book. The survey will ask you a few detailed questions about your Diabetes so that the book can be catered to you. Great way to get new ideas if you have been diagnosed!

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Other Than Bipolar Issues

image of a beach sunset

I apologize for the delay in posting here, I have been dealing with some health issues and a sick child and felt the need to take a break and regroup. I am still in the regrouping stage but I thought I would share a bit with you.

Not only had I taken on too much responsibility online but I am having some health issues that have really stressed me. I am fighting my depression as usual, but not finding it easy. I tend to over think everything and anticipate what will happen next when I have no idea what the next step is, and that is really hard on a depressed mind. One day I am seriously depressed and the next I am coping alright.

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Cook’n Recipe Organizer Review and Giveaway

 

I am super excited about this product! I applied for it a long time ago and finally was approved. I thought when I saw the product how helpful that would be for me as I really am not an organized person and this should make it easy to organize myself where cooking is concerned. :)  

I was amazed by Cook’n Recipe Software when  I received it.. You can do so much with it, organize shopping lists, have nutritional facts on each recipe, search the Internet for recipes and capture them, enter your own recipes and more.  I am super happy to have this and I am hoping it will help me get organized. The program is super easy to use and it will do everything but shop and cook for you.  Love it!! Also please know they do weekly contests on their Facebook page.

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Psych Appointment for my Youngest…

Well believe it or not it actually happened finally, the appointment that is!! 

All in all the doctor was nice, semi thorough so I am hoping things go well.  She is a bit annoying, mainly her voice, but nothing to complain about really!!  Jessi actually talked to her some answered questions once she was comfortable.  She doesn’t like doctors and doesn’t like to talk to people she doesn’t know and really doesn’t want to admit the problems she has so there is always a bit of nudging to get her to speak.. lol :)  Got the refill for her medication and of course it is more costly than with the last insurance it was 90.00 co pay for 90 days worth the pills.  Could be worse.. :) 

I was able to set an appointment for my oldest Samantha and she will go on Monday at 9am.  Not looking forward to the cost on her medication as with the other company it was over 200.00 for 90 day supply, Yikes!  Lets hope it isn’t much more than that.. :)  I still don’t think this place is equipped to really give good psychiatric care but we will do what we can to get what the kids need.  It was interesting as I told her how Jessi has been lately and how up and down she has been and she says ok I will see you back in three months.. I thought Really?! But what can you expect.. NO real attempt to see her a few times to see how she is really doing just refill the meds and send her on her way.  LOL

I must sound hard to please, well I am, where the kids are concerned.  Oh, we are also going to see about signing up for a class that will teach her some coping skills for her anxiety..  She has had some pretty good panic attacks over the last few months so I think that might be helpful.  I have heard they have decent therapy and classes that can help with certain things so we will check it out and see what it is all about.

I am thankful they finally contacted me and we were able to see a doctor and not go through all the red tape of therapy and evaluations etc..  I want the evaluations but would prefer it be by the doctor that will be treating her.  I don’t believe a report in writing is going to tell the doctor much, she needs to evaluate them herself.

Very sorry I didn’t get this done sooner, I spent the day starting to set up a blog at a different place to switch to but there are issues there.  Just so you all know I will be moving the blog as I want more functionality so watch for that to happen.. Coming Soon a new look but same address! 

Mountain Sunset

~Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
~Louisa May Alcott~

Quote from Inspirational Quotes

Image: M – Pics / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Mental Illness??? Or Another Problem??

I was talking with a friend and it made me realize that deciding if you are mentally ill or have some other issue is not easy.  I remember when I met with my psychiatrist all those years ago, the one I see now, he told me NO ONE fits into the molds of textbook Bipolar or whatever illness you may suffer from.  I think that was one of the eye-opening facts he gave me right away.  

If you look up Bipolar for instance… I never knew there are two forms and if I read the symptoms I don’t fit perfectly into that yet I am Bipolar II.  That is my diagnosis and I fully believe it.  I realized after talking to my doctor that life factors come into how your mental illness starts and progresses therefore none of us fit PERFECTLY into a diagnosis.  You maybe Bipolar but have some symptoms from other illness’ kind of related to it.  

So when you see symptoms you aren’t sure if it is actually an illness or something else, maybe a health issue or tumor etc..  Is this normal? you will ask yourself, and others, who will tell you yeah your fine..blah blah blah  There is very little understanding of Mental Illness in general society, people fear it and therefore there is a stigma.  People will deny it for years and years, maybe forever… Like my mother!   

My point here is… drum roll please…. :)  If you have any one serious symptom of any mental illness who is it going to hurt if you go see a doctor to discuss it? Also Is that symptom interfering with you living life normally? If so you need a doctor… The earlier you catch a problem the easier it is for you to learn and control it and have the doctors help you with medicines, your diet or therapy, whatever is right for YOU.  There is no Magic Pill out there that will fix you up with out some work and YOU MUST LEARN ABOUT YOUR ILLNESS.  Knowledge is power people, I know that’s cliché but it is true.   

When I learned of my illness I went online into chat rooms and listened and sites and read and read and did all the research I could. My husband hated it and complained about the time I spent on the computer.  That really should have been my first clue he wasn’t going to support me… LOL  Years of work and research and therapy and doctor appointments and medicines and all that goes into full treatment and finding the road to recovery.  The first step is to accept it and realize its not the end of the world its the beginning of your happy life.  Really it is.. at least it was for me. 

Image of dock going of over a lake

Peaceful Journey

Image: federico stevanin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Psych Appointment….

I have not posted about my appointments with my doctor before so this is kind of new for me. Just a couple of thoughts I will share today about my appointment with Dr. S.

I dropped the kids off today and ran off to the doctor immediately as my appointments with him are early morning.  Dr. S has two offices one local to me and one a bit far and the one in my area he works in the morning the other in the afternoon.  

It was funny talking to him today because he says how happy he is with how I’m doing and then says you were such a MESS, while shaking his head.  He is actually happy for me and almost giddy. Let me explain something about him… He is a gruff guy, he isn’t personable at all, he keeps his distance and is very business like which some people find odd.  I have always liked him, you can tell he knows what he is doing, and truly even though he is gruff you can see he cares.  Other family members who have met him didn’t take to him the same.  :)  To see Dr. S nearly giddy and giggling about how well I am in comparison to the mess I was 10 yrs ago was a good moment for me.  

This doctor has saved us so much misery I can’t even tell you.  It’s good to see him happy with me. :)  Now, finding out my insurance didn’t pay for June’s and October’s appointment was not fun. Even though I paid the co pays at the time, today I had to shell out $260.00 to get up to date and I could only do that because my tax return is waiting to be deposited on my account and will be in there on Tuesday.  Thank goodness!

It is really hard to believe how miserable I was all that time ago and it is nice to share with Dr. S our accomplishment of straightening me out and helping me be happy!

What a great man to dedicate his life to helping the mentally ill stabilize and do their best! I am Thankful we found him and he can help us the way he has, but I am sad my kids cannot see him any longer.

There is still no resolution to the issues I have with the HMO, they of course have not called me yet and probably won’t. Next week I will be making some calls and laying into someone.  Not looking forward to that… :(  Oh well I must fight for the kids.  :) 

Image of Inspirational stones

To find what you seek in the road of life,
the best proverb of all is that which says:
“Leave no stone unturned.”
~Edward Bulwer Lytton

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Re-post off a Friends Blog ~ Post #100: A Look Back

I had a good friend of mine ask me to re-publish this post on my blog. I was honored and immediately said Yes I will.  I think you all will enjoy a look at his blog.  You will find the comments great too! ♥ 

 

Post #100: A Look Back Via Jason’s Spina Bifida Journey  

Who would have ever thought I would hang around long enough as a blogger to see the day when I’d have 100 posts? Certainly not this guy, who’s had to scratch, claw and fight for everything I’ve earned and been given. I am so blessed to be here and so honored to be able to share my story with you, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for the opportunity to share a little bit of my life, my journey and my story with you. As I was thinking about what to write for my 100th post, I got to thinking about several bloggers I follow who have hit “post milestones” and decided I would re-post something I wrote a couple of months ago. For those of you who found a seat on the bus when I made my first stop, I’d like to invite you to stick around for a little while longer because the journey’s going to get a lot more interesting and a LOT more fun!!! For those of you I picked up recently, maybe you’re asking yourself if you’re making a good decision by climbing aboard. Just relax, read about my journey so far, and hey, why not answer the poll question and ask me anything you want? I want to make the ride as comfy, cozy as I can for you. By the way, don’t worry, I won’t bite ;-)

Whenever I am out in public, it seems like at least one person comes up to me and asks me why I am in a wheelchair. I try to explain my disability to them the best way I can, but still know there are so many questions that go unasked, and more often than not, unanswered.

I want to hear your questions about spina bifida. Do you understand the disability? What could I help you understand better? I want everyone to understand my disability the best they can, so I am giving everyone reading this the opportunity to ask me ANYTHING about spina bifida and its impact on my life. Do not be scared to ask me questions. I have nothing to hide, and anything is fair game. I’m perfectly okay answering personal questions… in fact I truly welcome personal questions. It may help me understand my disability better so I am better able to explain it to others in the future.

What do you want to know?

Please go to his blog and leave your comments or leave them here and I will send them to him..  Jason’s Spina Bifida Journey

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Raising Confident Daughters??

I have come across an article that may be interesting to those of you who are raising daughters.  I wish I had read this article when my kids were younger, they could both use a dose of confidence… 

Please go check out the article, I would love a comment about what you thought.

Raising Confident Daughters:Q&A With Barb Steinberg  By MARGARITA TARTAKOVSKY, MS

Article via psychcentral.com

I hope you find this article helpful and informative..

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.”  ~Lucille Ball~

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My Experience with New Health Insurance…

I am not whining tonight just wanted to update you guys, since I posted about having to get a new psychiatrist for my girls with the new  HMO health carrier (Health Management Organization).  There are two doctors to choose from, really 2 for this entire area??  

I was forced to go to a parent orientation at this HMO, it was a complete waste of time. Then I have to go back upstairs to turn in the huge stack of paperwork I had to fill out for each child. There, I am told the kids have to see a therapist first before they will set an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I said, “Oh no that’s not happening. My kids have been in treatment for years and need to see a psychiatrist and I cannot afford to spend money on therapy at this point.”

The nice woman behind the counter says, “Well I don”t make the rules.”  So I explained we really don’t fit into this system of theirs as the kids have been established in care for a long time, one of them over 10 years and they need to be seen by a psychiatrist and medications refilled.  So after some time repeating my self this nice woman said she would talk to the administrator. Walked away within range for me to see her and walks back and says she can put in a note to talk to the chief of pediatrics to see if they can make an exception.  She said they would be calling me in a week or so… I thanked her and walked away shaking my head.  I will not be forced to spend money to see a therapist when that’s not what we need. If its required they better waive the co pay!!  Good luck right… Hehe  Yesterday when I arrived home I called my ex and told him he better be ready to get on the phone with these people, since this was his choice he is going to get me what we need. He is all confused because he never listens to me.

Get this… Today he shows up with a print out of one of the two doctors we have to choose from and tells me this is how it works, you have to go in for an evaluation by a therapist. I said, “I can’t pay for a therapist and a psychiatrist and I need medication refilled.”  He got nasty and said I’m just trying to tell you how it works. I said, “I know how it works but it doesn’t fit our situation.” He argued and I said, “did they call you?”  He said, “NO!!”  That nasty tone was enough for me so I turned to walk away and he yells out, “Do you want to know about the prescriptions or are you just going to be a bitch!  Yep he said it… Needless to say my reaction was not pleasant.. I told him what I thought of him and went into the house.

Does he really think he can come to my house and talk to me like that… I have already discussed this with him and the insurance company yet he is a jerk to me.  He acts like I never spoke to him.  You know why?, because when I call him to discuss stuff he hands the phone off to his wife while im talking  and then when I need a response he takes the phone back… There are always long pauses and his responses are always general and sometimes don’t fit the conversation.  Sorry for this but What a dumb-ass! 

Anyway, I am now mad at him and waiting for the HMO to call me back about getting the kids to the type of doctor they need, and not jump through hoops.

I am not whining honestly this is just part of life but thought Maybe I would update you all about how its going… or not going! :)  I suggest if you have a choice of insurance carriers and you need specialized care of any type, don’t go with a HMO. It might be cheaper but you get what you pay for.  :)

 

One way to get the most out of life is
to look upon it as an adventure. ~William Feather


Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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10 Famous People With Bipolar Disorder, The Price of Fame?

I have looked around the internet for information on Bipolar Disorder and People with Bipolar to share with you all.  There are a lot of Creative people who have Bipolar whether it be Bipolar I or Bipolar II.  I wanted to share an article that just lists 10 well-known people who have Bipolar.  I liked this article found it interesting and thought you may also… 

 

10 Famous People With Bipolar Disorder

The Price of Fame? Image of Vincent Van Gogh

 

This article is from EverydayHealth.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.
Aristotle

Image via EverydayHealth.com

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Life Values and Bipolar Limitations…

This is part of a comment from a blog called Thebipolarproject… and the reason for the topic of this post! I suggest you check out her blog! 

I think you have it quite tough because you have a lot of responsibilities, you have children and extra stresses and difficulties. That’s a lot to juggle, and I admire your ability to keep pushing on. I would love to know more about what you value in life, what is important to you and the limitations that you do have and how you work within them (or not!) – Maybe a topic for a post on your blog? 

I’m not sure how to answer that but here is my best try at it; I value high morals, always do the right thing, always think of others, always make up for what mistakes you make, own your actions don’t blame others, work as hard as you can to be the BEST person you possible, don’t accept less than your best and be the best parent you can, your forming adults and they must know your values!  Help others in whatever way you can but don’t accept abuse from them. You must respect yourself or you won’t be happy!

With my illness I find it important to surround myself with positive people. Those that don’t make drama out of nothing and those that care about others. That doesn’t mean I don’t help those that don’t appreciate my help but I will only do what I can and if it affects my life, my kids, my world in a negative fashion it has to be stopped.  I have been mistreated many times but I can’t usually help myself until it affects me in a negative way.  Then I realize I’m not helping anyone and just sacrificing my stable moods so I have to stop.  I don’t help anyone with any expectation of getting anything in return, except respect of my life and my feelings.  

I do my best to not judge people, I don’t know what their life is like and I am not in their shoes so I try not to judge. Am I always successful at that, NO we all have those moments that we later realize we were being unfair, we are human. 

I have severe mood swings and anger at times and I have lit into people unnecessarily but I always regret it, the rage that comes with my illness sometimes takes over.. like the incident with my neighbor that I wrote about in a earlier post.  I always apologize and I  feel horrible about it as that rage isn’t who I really am, it’s a symptom of my illness that I work hard to control.

The number one most important thing in my life is my Children.  My two girls mean the world to me and I have worked hard for years to control my illness and change my negative thought processes to a more positive way of thinking and I am hoping they will be better people for it just as I am. 

My limitations you ask.. there are many! Number one I cannot work! The stress of a job sends me over the edge every time, it undoes my stability and pushes me into a world of depression and anger. I get lost in the swirling of my Bipolar Mind.  It takes a lot out of me daily to control my symptoms and live normally. I have to watch my feelings , reactions and level of happiness constantly, because any change could mean a big mood change in my life.  It’s difficult to not be able to work, money is a huge issue. Here I am on the third of January with not enough money to pay rent, turning in my recycling and collecting it from others to attempt to make it one more month. It’s difficult with two teenage girls who also have depression issues that have to be treated. I also have to watch them and their lives and reactions and such to make sure they aren’t falling over the edge and get them to the doctor when they are.. I must have the money to buy their medicine which is quite expensive even with insurance.

When you are depressed, which we always are, its hard to get up each day and get two depressed teenagers out of bed, ready, off to school and deal with all their weird morning quirks etc. I love them and I do it because I do love them, they have to see that you can’t let the depression rule your life. Really depression is just a fact of our life and we have to set up our lives and limits around it. If our anxiety is high then we don’t go shop that day or where ever we would normally go but we will push our way out the next day.

I can’t go into big crowds most days and my oldest daughter can’t either as our anxiety is high, we have a difficult time going some where we have never been before or talking with someone we have never talked to before. The anxiety is crippling if we give into it.

Since this post is getting so long I think I will stop there… Maybe I can expand on things further in another post.  There are so many accepted limitations that it isn’t easy to know what mine are in comparison to others anymore. :)

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Thinking and Thinking… Just Thoughts?

♥ ♥ This evening I realized I have been thinking a lot lately…  What does this mean to me? 

This thinking could mean several things! I noticed that I am feeling down and thinking about different things in my life.  Is this a new episode of Depression? Is this just the time of year? Am I feeling like I am missing something in my life? Is there something more 

I can do for others? Am I letting anyone down? Am I letting myself down in some way? 

Honestly I’m not sure the answer to any of those questions! I just know I am thinking and wondering many different things. I pray that I am not falling into a Depression that will affect the people around me negatively. Don’t get me wrong I am happy in my life, things have improved so much over the past month within my mind, but it leaves me wondering whats the next mood going to be.

Did I stabilize or did I just shift moods? 

This is a question I ask myself often in my life, why? Because if I don’t who will?  I am in control and have to stay that way, its part of my daily work to live “normally”.  Part of my daily work to have life “normal” for my kids and those around me!  I’m not sure how many of you realize that we who have mental illness work hard everyday to control the part of our brains that don’t work “normally”.  It’s exhausting work sometimes.. well all the time.  It is part of our daily lives and the effort it takes to constantly study our reactions, behaviors, feelings, choices etc is immense. Are we always successful?  No of course we aren’t but we are harder on our selves when we don’t than any person with a “normal” functioning brain would ever dream of.. 

We are deeply caring and intuitive people usually.  We aren’t dumb in any way, we are typically quite intelligent.  I am more intuitive and giving than book smart but I feel deeply, deeper than anyone I know. I have this empathy for people which tunes into how people feel and it’s exhausting sometimes. My emotions are high at all times!  Yet I have to work to control every possible thing I can within myself and my Bipolar symptoms! 

Anyway you can see that I am spending a good part of my energy thinking lately! I have been so busy with the kids and the holidays and I haven’t had the time I need online. I am trying not to stress about it but stress is what I do! :) 

Really I think I just wanted to give you insight into how things are for me where my mind is and my attempt at “normal” life! 

“Success in life comes to those who simply refuse to give up; individuals with vision so strong that obstacles, failure and loss only act as teachings.” 
Silken Laumann

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato 

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw 

 

Image: graur razvan ionut / FreeDigitalPhotos.net  –   graur razvan ionut’s portfolio is: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=987

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Continued: Anxiety and Trouble at School

Well If you have read my other two posts My Daughter and Anxiety and Continued Anxiety and my Daughter you have an idea of how much anxiety my youngest has dealt with, well here is an update! 

Today I called the school at 7am to see if I could set up to where I would be at the meeting Jessica had to have with the Vice Principle at school.  I just wanted to be there to support her and her anxiety about it was so bad that she was making herself ill again.  Never been in trouble at school and had no idea what would happen! 

We met him at 7:40 10 min before school was to start and he wanted the teacher to be there as well. We talked about it all and I explained it wasnt the teachers fault but Jessi had admitted to cheating when she swears she wasnt.  I understand she has to be treated like she is guilty as she said she was.. :(  Well we waited, and waited but the teacher never came to the meeting.  Jessi has math assessment tests today and that was her first period class so now she is late for that class.  Her math teacher called while we were meeting to tell Jessi that she can stay in her class during science to finish the testing if need be. Which is good because that’s the class where she is being punished for Cheating on a test. 

Once she relaxed the Vice Principle and I decided we would not wait any longer and he walked her to class.  Jessi had relaxed and I think the anxiety for today might have passed. Yay!! :)  I came home and went a step further.  I decided I may have mishandled the conversation with her teacher. I upset her and couldn’t shake that feeling so I typed up  a nice email explaining and apologizing for mishandling our conversation and sent it to the teacher.  

I do still believe Jessi didn’t cheat on the test (she did cheat on the homework tho) but really we will never know! I’m OK with that as I think this anxiety she has is a good sign.  She has a conscience and she will not do wrong again with her work. We all make mistakes and I believe she has learned from this experience!  

So here I am reading a website called DamnYouAutoCorrect.com and laughing as my stress level so needs to decrease! I’m exhausted!! lol  :)  Hope you all have a great weekend and a nice holiday coming up! 

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New Relationship and Bipolar…

Do you wonder how a new relationship survives the mood issues I have had lately? Me too!!  

Today I’m sharing more on my relationship with Carl.  When I met Carl I was a mess he was my neighbor at the first apartment I moved into after my husband and I separated. We said Hi to each other and general niceties but never really spent any time together.  I thought he was a nice man the moment I saw him but I didn’t feel good about myself and wasnt looking for a relationship.  We lived there 3 yrs as neighbors until he moved out to move in with his girl friend.  I wished him the best and went on my way.  A year after he moved, I ran into him at a local park and we chatted for a while.  No big deal really.  I was pretty stable at the time and was happy open to a relationship.  Well as it turned out he had just moved out of his girlfriends house, I told him how sorry I was it didn’t work out etc.

 Then a few weeks later two days before I went to court for my divorce, he tracked me down at a local store and asked me out.  He proceeded to tell me that he always regretted not asking me out and he has looked for me to ask me out for a week or so.  He said he was frequenting the areas my kids went to school in hoping to run into me. He assured me he wasn’t a stalker.. haha   I was shocked had no idea he wanted to date, I accepted his invite to dinner without hesitation and we have dated more than a year now.

We see each other daily with a few exceptions.  He has experienced some of my weird moods and he is still here.  So I guess he hasn’t been scared off as of yet.  I have never actually told him what my diagnosis is because he hasn’t asked.  I have told him about my experience with moods and depression he knows I have had some bad years with it and this last 6 months he has experienced those moods, not the worst ones but some not so good ones.  He gives me the space I need and is not offended by my moods.

I have told him that I have depression and mood issues and have talked about a lot of those and listened to him about some of my different moods that he has noticed.  He knows the doctor took me out of work and that I take several medications daily for the depression.  I really don’t know how he feels about all that as we haven’t discussed it yet, but he is still around and we still have a great time together, even doing nothing. 

This man is amazing, he is easy to be with, easy to talk to about everything, he isn’t perfect mind you but he is funny, friendly, outgoing and loving.  He respects me and all women, he is a bit opinionated on politics so that’s not a good topic. haha  He is the kind of guy that opens doors for you and offers to help with anything and everything, although he doesn’t like me helping him with stuff.  It’s a man thing I think.. :)  I help anyway, sometimes. :) He worries about me being under too much stress but he doesn’t push his opinion on me, he respects my choices.  He has supported me in helping my friend who was having marital issues even though he felt I was being taken advantage of, he voiced that but not disrespectfully.  He then let me realize it all on my time.  He never puts me down in any way!   To me he is nearly the perfect man.  He is good to my kids too and they both like him. He doesn’t overstep boundaries with them though, he respects them. 

So as time goes on and we get to talk more about feelings etc I’m sure I will be posting more about this wonderful man.  Wish us luck!! :)

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Mood Swings are Exhausting…

A depressed man sitting on a bench

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever been really depressed?  I mean truly depressed where everything is an effort, just breathing feels like too much to bother with and you are fighting to keep a positive outlook on life? 

 

That’s been me the last couple  Few months! Up and down moods and energy levels, its exhausting, but I know it’s just my illness so I have to remember this isn’t my life or my attitude it’s just A part of life.  It’s a part I would like to leave behind but it will always be with me.  I get to feeling better than I wake up feeling that churning inside and a heavy head of racing thoughts… 

Then I have to think about every thought so I can stop the negative self hating ones.  I have to remind myself that isn’t reality, I don’t deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially myself.  When I do this it can really affect my relationships with people and my overall attitude about life.  I have to repeat to myself, I AM CHOOSING HAPPINESS!!  

Now I know a lot of you are thinking she is fooling herself and you are either happy or you’re not, well I know I can choose to be happy.  Do I have everything I want in my life? No… Do I have what is necessary in life?  Yes I do.  Am I a good person who cares about others and wants to help people out with their troubles?  Yes I am.. Do I live a good and moral life? Yes I do  and I have to repeat that to myself a lot and I have to tell myself to stop those thoughts.   Those thoughts are my illness not me and I can’t let it take over… 

The days of bipolar depression having control are over, it will affect me and the people in my life at times but I won’t let it rule me!!  I will be the better person I know I am!!  Do you have to tell yourself what your thankful for in your life? Does it help you? 

OK we all know I will have bipolar days and weeks and even months but I can’t define myself by it and that’s why I find it helpful to counter those negative thoughts and the self hate that comes from the depression. 

Do you struggle with these thoughts as well?  How do you handle them? Do you even notice when you’re doing it?  Do you tell yourself to stop?  How does it affect you?  

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Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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Psychiatrist, Therapist… Oh My!

Loneliness (edit)

Image by kvitlauk via Flickr

Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands and can help you?? Doctors act like you are pretending and therapists just give bad advice?

This is how I was feeling when I left that psychiatrists office knowing  I would never go back… defeated, scared and exhausted!

Here I was  begging for help… and the doctors just wanted to bully me, I wasn’t standing for it.  Off I went looking for another psychiatrist, I saw many of them and it seemed useless thankfully I was determined to find out exactly what was going on with my brain!  It took months to find another doctor just to be disappointed again and go on another search. I was horrible my moods were all over the place I fought with anyone that would look at me cross-eyed or I would break down and bawl for no known reason.  My family was really struggling with me and with every doctor there was more disappointment and further depression.

I would rage about the littlest stuff, I would get angry with the kids and pull in the recycle bin and start adding their toys and books to the recycling. I had very little control and didn’t know what to do.  So many times I felt as if I was hovering above my body while i did these things, out-of-body experience while in a rage.  Frightening really!! Devastating to the kids and me!  I did have a neighbor that would see me do that and she would come take the kids for me so I could try to stop my fit… she was a god send!

This went on for years until I finally found a doctor.  He isn’t a personable man but he knows his stuff and he knew immediately how to handle our family.  He had treated my daughter for a year but I never thought to go to him myself.  Him treating me gave a big insight into what was going on with my daughter and allowed him to treat us both for what we actually suffer from, Bipolar 2 disorder!  Finally someone knew what was going on and how to handle it. It took 10 years to get things under control and there were serious ups and downs.

My relationship with my husband took a hard hit when I received my diagnosis, then began to spend hours on the computer learning and trying to understand this illness.  Entering chat rooms to hear what others were going through learning all the while so I could figure out how to help myself and my family.  He hated it, didn’t want me to spend the time on it.  When I would go to therapy and come home to talk to him about it he would get angry.  When we would argue he would say things to me like “did your therapist tell you that?”  It soon became clear he wasnt going to support my looking for help and I was on my own.  We grew apart I changed and he didn’t…..

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