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I Fear Not, by Bob Brotchie

This is a guest post from Bob Brotchie at Anglia Counseling. I am honored that he has allowed me to share this post with you all. I hope you enjoy it and remember if you need help, counseling, there is no shame in reaching out. If you would like to see more from Bob click the link in the title and it will go to his blog or see the links at the bottom of the post. 

I Fear Not!

By Bob Brotchie/Anglia Counseling

We all recognise fear and I’m sure we can all describe the thoughts and emotions associated with fear.

There is a healthy fear of course. The ‘fight or flight’ (or become immobile) state when we are threatened by a risk of harm, emotional or physical and which is natural, short living, brief onset (acute) and can be moved away from in reasonable time.

Frightened Person

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Clairsentient…Post 4

More on Clairsentient, or the Sensitive Being.

Cartoon image of girl getting massage..

This is what I need about now! :)

Today I am starting with an essay that was written about Entrainment, called Understanding Entrainment. Keep in mind I am just giving some short bursts of this information, I suggest you to the site to read it if you have any interest.  To go to ‘Understanding Entrainment’ click here.  It is below the vocabulary section so just scroll down.

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Bullying by a Teacher

This is a story Submitted to LeanOnUs.co by a member of our site!  I am hoping we can support her in her cause. 

Why This Is Important

I would like to bring to your attention an incident that took place at Gray’s Creek Middle School on October 17, 2011.

My son, Dawson Gibbs was assaulted in his gym class by his teacher, Mrs Dawn A Hoyt.  Apparently there was a kickball game in progress and my son was in line to kick the ball, Mrs Hoyt stated that she thought Dawson had already kicked and instructed him to move to the back of the line.  Dawson either did not hear the guidance, which I believe to be the case as his hearing is sub-par, or he ignored her.  Mrs Hoyt then approached Dawson and gave the instruction again in which case he complied.

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Diagnosing my Daughter’s Symptoms…

Have you ever looked at your child and thought something is not right?  Well I had to do just that with my first child when she was around age 5… 

Like I said when my first child was about 5 yrs old, I realized that her moods and reactions toMy beautiful girl, My first born! things were not normal.  I would see her run inside from playing with friends and she would go to her bed and be pulling her hair out while saying she didn’t know why she was so mad.. Well at this point I knew something was wrong with me (although not what was wrong) so it wasn’t far off to think she would have issues as well.  I tried to work with her on it and nothing worked. :( It was so hard to see her be miserable she was losing all her friends and about to start Kindergarten and I knew this wasn’t getting better.  

So I focused on her and getting help for her…. All the while wondering what is going on in her brain.  She hated doctors she had been ill as a 3 yr old and stayed in the hospital a week and it wasn’t a decent experience for her.  She had also been diagnosed with a kidney reflux issue so she had to have tests done annually that were pretty traumatic for her.  

We went to many psychiatrists and some therapists looking for answers.  Why was my beautiful happy child so moody now and unhappy.  Why was she having fits of frustration over nothing and why was she having Night Terrors.  She has them for years she would be crying and screaming and running about the house but completely in her sleep and terrified!  It was impossible to wake her.  We would take her into the bathroom and turn on the light and talk to her and hold her till we could wake her.  That was terrible to see, but then it seemed to be happening to her in the day as well with these fits of frustration.  

Our experience with these so-called Doctors was not good.  They would label her just about anything to make us come back the next week… It was disappointing to say the least.  They would tell me she was afflicted with some disorder and order me to buy a book on it and I would and read it and know it was not what was wrong with her.  I couldn’t believe it not only are we putting out money for these doctors but we are buying books on an illness that she didn’t have ONE symptom from… grr its was frustrating. 

When she was 7 yrs old we went to see the doctor we have now, Dr S. is what we will call him.  Since I was in treatment as well I gave him my history and my family history and what was going on with my daughter.  He knew right away what it was, Bipolar2 disorder.  Heavily depressed and Hypo-manic highs, high levels of anger and anxiety etc.  Ok so now we know what it is, how do we treat it?  We started with meds right away.  I like him because even tho he is giving me medication for my child he tries small doses first as to not over medicate.  He does not want her overly medicated.  It took a year or more really to get her stabilizing but she was better able to deal with her feelings once we had some information on what it was.  She went to him once a week for some time till we had her leveled out.  We have then seen him once a month or on an as needed basis since then.  I am also now seeing him and so is her sister. (a whole other story in itself) 

This daughter of mine is now 15 yrs old.  She is brilliant, beautiful and capable of most things in life.  We have had our ups and down with Anxiety.  There were times that I couldn’t even take her to the store with out her freezing at the door and turning ghost white, she would then go on and on that she wanted to go home. Latched to my hand, tightly I might add, and quietly she would chant I want to go home, I want to go home over and over I would just keep her close and talk to her and once it got too bad we would leave.. then she would regain color in her face and be exhausted.   At this point those anxiety attacks are minimal most of the time she can handle it and function fine but when she can’t we try, then leave if needed.  She is learning more and more about her illness and how to cope and control some of it.  Obviously 15 yrs old means terrible attitude but we love her anyway.. LOL  

Her story is also one of Hope. She went from a disturbed child, who couldn’t concentrate in school to a beautiful teenager that has all A’s and B’s in Honor classes.  She works hard and is also learning to drive.  She excels at almost everything she does!  She is only missing the confidence she needs to exceed her own expectations.  We are working on it and she is improving.  

Well that’s my story in a nutshell there are obviously more incidences but generally this is how it all transpired..  

Remember:  When the World says Give Up,  Hope Whispers Try One More Time!! 

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Impulsive Over Spending Anyone???

Have you ever gone into a store thinking you would wander around but dying to buy something at a time when you have NO money??  You know you’re spending rent/mortgage payment but you do it anyway.. 

One of my many Bipolar symptoms is spending money when I don’t have any…Don’t get me wrong I don’t buy things we don’t need but I don’t have the money and I buy it anyway…  This is one of my many signs of my illness being Off Track, as I like to call it! 

The past 4 months or more I have done this each month.  I used to be able to pay my bills and just do without whatever, make ends meet no matter what!  Maybe we are light on food or what have you as I’m on a limited income and a single mom of 2 teenage girls but we would get by.  

I have done this for these past months and my bills are all late and I’m so mad at myself.  I have never in my life paid my bills late but as the economy dips lower and things are getting more and more expensive, I am losing control.   When I do this I  know it is going to make it a disaster and stress me out completely yet I do it anyway. Ugh the frustration is unreal and yet I do it again.  

Each month I am having panic attacks about how I will pay rent, praying that a family member will help me out.   All the while being utterly embarrassed of having to ask.   I have sold items  from the house , patio furniture etc..  The stress level is killing me, causing my symptoms to worsen. 

I’m frantic to fix the problem before my moods get unpredictable.  I am increasing and decreasing meds (doctors supervision).  Praying all the while that I will level out and not make a huge mess out of my finances and my life.  Every medicine change could mean deeper depression or further agitation but I have no choice I have to pray the outcome of a medicine change will be positive.  I am afraid, afraid of going back to the days that I couldn’t stand myself and losing my bit of control over this Bipolar depression. 

I am so mad at myself and exhausted as I struggle to get control and fail. I’m depressed along with agitated and that is frightening for someone with my illness.  It’s a vicious cycle and I’m sick of it. 

I won’t let it win, I will continue to be me, I will get through this time No matter what!!!  

I have great friends online and off and I appreciate every one of you, I couldn’t get through this life without you all.  I have met so many nice people and I am always amazed at how many people are affected by  mental illness whether it be their issues or a loved ones or a friend…. 

Thank you everyone! Your my rock!! 

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Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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Info About my Bipolar Symptoms….

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever felt like someone or something else was in control of your actions?  Have you ever had,what I describe as ‘out of body’ Rages? 

I can tell you that I have and so many times over the years that I can’t remember them all.  Many times I knew I had been in a Rage but didn’t remember what I had done while in it.   Then there were times that I was so in a Rage that I felt as if I was floating above myself and watching me do these horribly mean things, mainly I said horrible stuff and was very scary!  These Rages started when I was about 19, I was always very depressed, emotional and had a feeling of an emotional tornado churning inside me.  That Tornado as I call it was Anger, Rage, Bipolar2 symptoms.

At the time I had no clue what was going on with me and I was really withdrawn from life, but I was determined to be part of life.  I wanted what everyone wanted a Family to love and Happiness!   I was like most people I thought something was going to MAKE  me HAPPY.  Until I was in my 40′s I had no idea it was up to me to just BE HAPPY.

Back to my symptoms from 19 yrs old on…  a touch of Agoraphobia, I absolutely couldn’t leave my apartment alone with out 45 min of pacing and crying and talking to myself.  It was a major fight, thankfully I am a determined person or I wouldn’t have gotten through that time.  I remember getting out of the house after my 45 min fight with unreasonable fears and I would head to the gas station and drive through it three times unable to stop.  The fear was crippling I would shake and tear up, it is overwhelming when this happens.  I was so angry with myself because why couldn’t I stop and get gas like everyone else? why must I have someone with me?? It made no sense to me!  OK, so you get the picture it was unbelievably exhausting.  You can imagine that affected me every time I had to leave the house except for work as my job was a safe haven for me.  There were many days I didn’t leave the house at all. 

Then there were the times that I would be with Tania and she would be laughing and happy and I would literally smack her.  It was so annoying but I had no idea why or have any control over it.  I smacked her face even in the hallways in high school because she was laughing and being loud.  It was strange to me and I had no idea why it kept happening.  Tania never even got mad at me she actually would laugh harder, and I would be crying because I felt horrible about it.  She loved me anyway tho even when I smacked her for no reason on more than one occasion.  Tania taught me a lot about love and acceptance.  

At night I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night.  I was super emotional I talked to myself, cried and yelled at my mom it was an emotional nightmare.  Years of pent-up emotions just flowed like a rushing river!  Honestly it was confusing to me but ended up being great therapy.  I worked hard to get through that time and kept challenging my fears by leaving the house.  The only thing I could think of, I really needed a doctor but had no insurance.

I also had an issue with sweating if I got nervous I would sweat off the top of my head and it dripped down my face and was super embarrassing.  It would make me flee where ever I was and want to hide.  If I didn’t by the time I left where I was my hair would be visibly WET.  Stuck down to my head like I had just gotten out of the shower.  I was so embarrassed! 

The level of depression was so deep that at the end of the day I was exhausted and could barely get up in the morning.  Depression just zaps all your energy and all your drive.  The overwhelming sadness and low energy with the unreasonable level of anxiety and fears is exhausting.

I have no idea how I kept up with fighting the fears with my depression so high but I kept fighting.  It’s so important to keep fighting whether you feel like you can or not.. Just fight it and then realize Happiness is a choice..

I know that sounds corny but it’s so true, I realized that as I stated in an  earlier post… when I was around 40, I heard this voice say to me HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE, JUST CHOOSE IT!  It was really strange to me but I was compelled by it.  With some work I began to realize that voice was right!! I had to change thought processes tell myself to stop saying bad things to myself but after some months or more I felt happy inside something I had never felt before!!  Then I realized good things started to happen around me.  I met a man who asked me out and we have dated for a year even tho I have been split from my husband since 2006, I didn’t date anyone till I met Carl in 2010…..

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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As I Enter the World on my Own…

Have you had a serious fight with your mother before?? I sure have…I told you I worked for her for many years and that began to come to a close when she got angry for some unknown reason and came after me as I left work. She followed me into the hallway to the parking lot and was yelling at me, and she said “F**** You!” I happened to be holding a cup of soda, I turned around and said,”No, F*** You! and as I said that I threw my cup of soda at her. I had taken a lot of unnecessary bullying from my mother for years but now I was old enough it wasn’t going to continue. Shortly after that she closed the store as it was failing.

I lived alone for several years, after having a room-mate for 6 months and that not working out! I took a job in an insurance office and began to learn about all lines of insurance. I was making 1000.00 a month salary.. so I brought home 850.00 after taxes and my rent was 535.00 so I was only able to pay my bills. I went through a period of starving myself to lose weight and got very ill. I was off work for 3 weeks and almost lost my job. My depression was so deep and getting deeper by the day.

I was having a problem leaving my house. My anxiety was severe and hindering every move I made. I had terrible night mares and felt alone! I knew I was in trouble… I had to find a way to leave the house and not be in tears. I picked a drug store to go to when I felt that I couldn’t leave the house. I went there several times a day sometimes, trying to get rid of my anxiety. It took months but it really helped. I was really pushing people away. My one friend from high school took the brunt of my uncontrollable moods. To my surprise she loved me anyway, she was the one person in my life that could see the real me under the rage, depression, hypo-mania episodes and anxiety! She taught me I was worth while and lovable. Up to that time I didn’t think much of myself, honestly I hated myself!

That tornado of rage, pain, self hate and depression kept swirling inside me. I continued to get angrier and more reactive, my depression was in control. I could hear my mother’s voice at every turn telling me how useless I was and degrading me. Then my mood would swing and I would be annoyingly funny and happy. My moods swung rapidly and I was loosing more and more control. I was about 19 at this time, and really confused about Life!….

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As my Depression Progressed…

As the years went on my depression and moodiness got increasingly worse. I continued to withdraw from everyone and everything. I would walk through the hallways at school looking at the ground and NOT interacting with anyone. I had some nice people reach out but by high school I was so withdrawn I was like a robot. I didn’t know how to deal with my depression, had no self-esteem and lived in fear. I was afraid of how I would react to anything so I didn’t react at all. Unfortunately when I did I would rage and cry all at the same time. There was an incident in my Spanish glass where a kid was banging an empty desk between us on the back of my chair. I asked him to stop several times but then I lost it… I actually got up screamed at him and threw the desk across the room. Thankfully I didn’t hit anyone. The teacher sent him to the office. I was an emotional disaster area. Kids continued to use that against me and pick on me, I absolutely despised school!

High school was the hardest years for me in school. I withdrew so much that if anyone I did know would call out my name in a hallway I would completely ignore it and walk faster to my next class. I didn’t go to the lunch area for lunch I went to my next class and sat by the door and did homework. The anxiety of my illness was too much to take in a large group of people.

Then my second year of high school my mother made me get a job. That was really difficult as I couldn’t go out of the house alone unless I was going to school. I had been given a car that year but I had to pay for the costs. I attempted looking for a job but I didn’t get anywhere I was too shy and anxiety ridden to impress anyone. My mother knew someone in a local mall that new the owner of an ice cream store and they helped me get a job. I got through the interview and he hired me. That was the end of the school year so I was able to work many hours. It was difficult but I began to realize work

Me on 15th birthday!

was a great thing. It helped me feel worth while. Not like a ‘normal’ person but it got easier and easier to go to work, yet I couldn’t get gas in my car with out someone going with me. I had such high anxiety! If I tried to go to the gas station alone I would drive by it many times then go home hoping I would run out of gas. I was able the next school year to take 2 work experience classes so I was out of school at noon and working till 11pm. I loved it!

My moodiness continued to increase. I didn’t have tolerance for immature people or for people making fun of others. After some time I earned a promotion to assistant manager at the ice cream store. We had some girls that worked their that would actually make fun of the mentally handicapped when they were in the store. It was horrible they did weird gesture right in front of them and it would set me off. I told them many times to stop. It wasn’t good for the business and it was wrong to make fun of a person with a disability. They persisted and this one girl was the worst one and I pulled her aside one day and told her to stop it. She went out and continued to do it and I call her over, she was still doing it and I lost it. I actually smacked her across her face! Don’t get me wrong she deserved it but you cannot do that to people, I just lost it.

My employer obviously had a stern talk with me and I cried the entire time. I could not control my emotions no matter how hard I tried. He did not fire me, thank goodness. I worked their for years, then my mother opened a cosmetics store in another mall not too far away… She wanted me to work with her but I had to interview with her current husband who was jerk. I given the job and worked for her for a couple of years. You can imagine the relationship with my mother as an employer was not easy. Well difficult to say the least…..

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School During those years…

OK I just covered basically through 4th grade on what my home life was like and such… I want to explain today what I went through in school,with other kids, as a depressed child.

I was bullied by every confident child in the school… OK maybe not all of them but a lot of them. From the time I was in 1st grade and walked to school I had problems with being bullied. I got chased home daily by a couple of boys that would push me, smack me, poke me, and say really nasty things to me. It was so awful and I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve it. Then one day I snapped, when one of the boys pushed me I stood up went directly to him and kicked him in his privates, hard. So I went home and told my mom and next thing I know the principle is calling. They were going to punish me for standing up to these boys that had bullied me for the school year. My mother had reported the issue to the principle before so she put him in his place, and I wasn’t punished just reprimanded. This type of thing went on through my schooling different kids and different schools but the same treatment.

These kids that are naturally bullies seem to have a knack for choosing the emotionally week kids to pick on. It is so hurtful to your self-worth and just made my depression worse. I did learn to stand up for myself more but always feared getting in trouble. I wanted people to like me so badly, but felt so worthless. Depression makes you feel so lost and different from others. I carried anxiety and fear with me every where I went. I was one of those kids that rarely spoke and always looks down when you are walking.

In these years, 3rd, 4th and 5th grade, I began to withdraw. I had less and less friends and just wanted to be left alone. Hated school, was gaining weight and getting made fun of by, what seemed at the time, everyone. The anger in me and that tornado of anxiety, fear and rage was growing and I would start to react strangely. Typically with Anger or Emotions, there were times my emotions were so out of control that I cried almost non-stop.

This wasn’t necessarily because of the way I was bullied but the way I interpreted my treatment by everyone in my life. Depression is like seeing the world through negative, dark foggy lenses. You really don’t see anything like others do, not at this age with the depression I had. My mother actually recognized that things weren’t good for me and I began having troubles breathing, Panic attacks I believe, so she took me to doctors but they couldn’t find anything wrong and it wasn’t alright then to discuss depression in a child. Thankfully for my children that has changed in our society, my girls both have inherited depression issues. I am more easily able to get them help since I have done research and found an excellent doctor to care for us all.. But once again I will talk about that later in my posts….

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