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Disappointment, Pissy Mood, Wine and a Bipolar Mind

First off I want to note that if you are on psychiatric medicines drinking is a no no, we all know it undoes the benefits of our medication but we also know we will give in once in a while. For me that was yesterday. After I felt really disappointed and was really pissy about it the entire day. One of those moods that being bipolar makes worse, you know you are pissy but can’t stop yourself. All day I was like that and poor Carl just laughed at me.image of angry emotionguy

I dislike myself very much when I am like that and can’t keep my mouth shut. If I see someone do something stupid I can’t help but tell them. Thankfully we didn’t go into any crowds I think Carl knew it wasn’t a good idea.. I did yell at one guy though.. lol  That uncontrollable pissiness is related to the Bipolar part of me. Fully uncontrollable!! My youngest daughter thinks its hilarious when I am like that because I kind of yell at people with humor.. hard to explain. We laughed all day but I was super pissy and couldn’t control it. It wouldn’t go away!

When people in my life disappointment like my father, who has spent my life disappointing me, I really get pissy. I can’t sleep well and get tired and it just makes it worse. Even laughing at my pissy attitude the whole day didn’t pull me out of it at all.

So then I have this conversation with the very person who has just majorly upset me and disappointed me after drinking almost a whole bottle of wine. Wine makes me talk and can’t shut up and after last night I know it makes me say exactly what I am thinking. A curse or a blessing in disguise?? Im still not sure!!

Moral of the story… Don’t drink and then talk to a family member that has just disappointed you and put you in a mood. It may or may not turn out well!! heehee

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Family Drama and Unnecessary BS…

You have probably experienced some of the same Family Drama I do but today really took the cake!  I’m sorry this will be a rant!!

My brother asks me to come to lunch with him yesterday, first red flag!  I agreed as I love to spend some time with him but thought something was up. We live close by and never see each other.

Backing up a bit.. Until a couple of years ago I did not see my mother. She was banned from my life due to her ‘drama’. She makes everything a stressful situation and pits all our family members against each other. I know your thinking how is that possible, believe me it is.

Back to current day… My brother says to me, “I have a reason for wanting to have lunch today, something I need to talk to you about.” I said, “I thought there was something, whats up?”

This was me!

He tells me that my mother has told my father that I am calling her asking her to move in with me because I need her money to make my bills each month.  “What???”  I shriek

More back ground… my mother has used my gas card for 18 months and she has not been paying the bill, I have. The balance was at $1200.00 7 months ago, she had given me the $1200.00 to pay it off. I don’t remember why, but  I put $600.00 on the gas card and used the other $600.00.  She told me that she was quitting her job that required her to drive so many miles and was costing so much in gas. Well she didn’t quit the job, and has now run the bill up to $2000.00 which is the limit on the card.  She lives on Social Security so her income is VERY limited. I’m living on Disability so my income is VERY limited  and I have two teenage kids to care for, therefore my father helps us out with money when I need it.

Back to my conversation with my brother… He says, my mother is telling my father that she has paid off  this gas card twice in the last year both times at $2000.00 and that I have not paid the card and done something else with the money, she doesn’t know what and she is still paying on the card. Really and where did she get that  money to pay it off and if she had money why would she need to use the card, is my question. She was working a sales job that was commission ONLY and never sold anything so she never got paid.

My dad tells my brother and his wife this at Christmas and they were shocked. They knew that was not true. They knew she was not paying the monthly payment and that she had given me the $1200.00 and what I had done with it. They also know that she has run the bill up and is not paying it.  My dad says he isn’t sure he should help me out with money as I’m not handling my money properly! They attempted to explain to my dad, who knows my mother rarely tells the truth, that she is lying. He believes her and is upset about it.  Thankfully I am open book people close to me know me and know I would never do what she is saying..

Don’t get me wrong… my father is not obligated to help me and I appreciate every bit of help he gives me. I do not expect him to help me.  I have struggled since my divorce and rarely make my bills, partly because  I must have medicine and psychiatric treatment and so do BOTH my girls. It’s just ridiculously expensive here and I can’t find any work at home jobs to supplement my income.

I am upset that I let my mother back into my life after 6 years of not seeing her and she has done nothing but caused issues, drama and stress for me, my father and my brother. She doesn’t see my brother’s family for the same reason she didn’t see mine, but my brother still talks to her. My father is angry that I even let my mother use my gas card and I can’t believe she told him the lies she did.

I am disappointed! You wonder, Why is she doing this?? Because she wants me to live with her to help us both pay the bills.  She is attempting to alienate me and my father so he won’t help me and I won’t have a choice but to live with her. I won’t live with her as I have to keep my stress down and that is not possible with her, everything is stressful with her. She creates problems where there aren’t any and it’s because our family is full of  mental illness and people who are in denial and won’t get treatment. My mother is at the top of that list.

My dad was concerned about her coming between him and I when she first came back into my life,  she is now going through him to drive us apart. Unfortunately he can’t see it because he still loves her. They have been divorced since I was three but he never remarried only had a couple of relationships and is now alone and plans to stay that way.

I don’t want him to think I have lied to him or taken advantage of him! I want him to know I appreciate everything he does for us! He thinks I am taking advantage of everyone and taking money from her when she has none that frustrates me.

I’m so over it!!

 

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A Sweet 16 for a sweet girl…

My first-born child turns 16 years old tomorrow, December 30th 2011.  Birthday cake

I can hardly believe it, she has grown into this terrific young woman. She is smart, thoughtful and beautiful in every way. Her talents are amazing and I’m so very proud of her!

As you know she has had some seriously hurtful issues that are still unresolved, but she carries on like a true Champ!  She has a party tomorrow evening that her grandfather is paying for, he got her a limo and is taking her to a restaurant with her friends for dinner then cruising afterward.

She has a hard time accepting nice gestures from men but she was so appreciative when my dad offered to do this for her 16th birthday, she told him he had to ride in the limo with her and her friends and must have dinner with them all.  Her grandfather is so excited about it he is like a kid…

This is the first real birthday party she has had in years and never has had a party on her actual birthday due to it falling during the holidays!  Anyway, Im super excited and Hope my baby had a great birthday!

Happy Birthday Samantha, I love you more than I can say!! You deserve the best! 

My beautiful girl, My first born!

This is Samantha many years ago!! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Our Week Long Visitor…

♥♥Just some thoughts I will share… 

I found out fathers day of 2006 my husband was cheating on me… long story short after several months I realized we couldn’t stay together, and I moved out! 

Many years have gone by and I didn’t date any one till September 2010 when Carl asked me out!  He always seemed like a nice man and I didn’t hesitate to go out with him.  He used to be my neighbor at my first apartment but we never really spoke and didn’t get to know each other.  

We have had a night here and there where he stayed over but the week before Christmas this year he stayed over the entire week because his parents were in town and staying at his house. He wanted them to be comfortable so he stayed here with us. 

Anyway… I really enjoyed him being here… Its been such a long time since we have had a man in the house.  Certainly was an adjustment for the kids as being all girls in the house they tend to walk around half-naked all the time.  lol :)  

Carl just fits in so nicely.. We do embarrass him sometimes with the way we talk but he always laughs and we all got along really well.  It’s nice that the kids really like him and are as comfortable with him as I am.

 I just remember being devastated that my husband was cheating and that our life together was over, I was lost and broken…Carl was always friendly even when I was not and  was in my own little world of misery. I never realized Carl had any interest in me and went on oblivious until years later when he approached me.  His timing couldn’t have been better because even tho my ex and I split in 2006 we didn’t divorce till 2009 and it was 2 days before I went to court for the first time and Carl asked me out! It was the boost I needed and I was ready for it at that point. 

Our relationship has been easy so far and I know it wont always be that way and I really have no idea where it’s going but I like it the way it is and was really happy to have him close to me this past week.  He is a special guy and I hope that he is happy with me too!! 

This is just another way of giving you all hope… I spent 17 years with my ex and I felt like my life was over but it really has just begun and Carl has shown me that!!  Remember, what you put out you get back.. Choose to be happy and happiness will come to you… 

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Family Drama and The Holidays…

Happy Holidays Everyone! 

I just wanted to say to everyone, Happy Holidays and may the new year bring you joy and happiness beyond belief! 

I have thought lately and I realize how stressful the holidays are for almost everyone. Some of us have a harder time with it as the extra money spent and the extra stress of the rush can really get to us.  I lately have had a few moody moments that have surprised me but I think we all need to slow down and realize the Holidays are about family, love and being together, it’s not the gifts or the food it’s really connecting with those we love.

Unfortunately, that also comes with Family Drama!! Our family has quite the Drama filled holidays usually and its pretty stressful. I am making the choice this year to just enjoy it, drama and all!! 

We have been invited to go with Carl (my Boyfriend) to his families for this holiday and I am pretty excited to meet some of his family.  They do not live locally so I haven’t met anyone but his parents and obviously his son! It kind of tells me a bit how he feels about us not that I doubt he cares. He is a great guy full of love, giving heart and I truly enjoy the time we spend together. 

This years holidays are truly special for me and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.  I just have to choose to be happy no matter what is going on around me and I don’t have to react to the drama I can just giggle and leave it at that .. Several deep breaths and some wine should help with that.. haha :) 

May your heart be filled with love and joy always! 

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Thoughts about my Childhood Relationship with my Father…

Tonight I am thinking about the difficult relationship I had with my father when I was my daughters ages. By age of 16 I no longer saw him and really resented that he was never there for us, or never present. 

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 The last two days have been extremely trying with my teenage girls and their father. Their father tends to return them to my house and  refuse to answer their calls and texts when they do something  wrong but then he blames me for turning them against him and not  letting them come with him… Yep sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it?? I  think it is nuts!!  How am I responsible for not making them go with  their father when he refuses to come get them and drops them back  home when they are nasty to him and he doesn’t want to deal with it.  I don’t know why he thinks I enjoy dealing with it but he keeps doing  it. 

Then he texts me that it’s horrible I have turned the girls against him and refuse to make them go with him and he is taking me back to court etc.. I’m usually dumb founded by these contacts from him but whatever.. Anyway, all this crap has made me think about the difficult relationship I had with my father and what that role may have played with me picking my now ex-husband to have children with… hmmm right? 

Lets compare them… 

  • Both Hunters 
  • Both unhappy people 
  • Both suffer from depression and other issues
  • Both are drinkers 
  • Both are very selfish 
  • Neither of them seem to have any parenting skills
  • Neither seem able to truly love another person and put them first
  • Neither can communicate successfully in relationships
  • Both opinionated and always right 
  • Both rarely take responsibility for their life choices
  • Neither are willing to deal with difficult subjects 
  • Both made their wives/ex-wives raise the children alone (even when still together)
  • Both were angry about paying child support and give as little as possible 
  • Both tend to lie to make themselves look better to others 
  • Both Blame others for their life issues 
  • Both were controlling as husbands although in different ways
  • Both were more concerned with what they want in life and not what is best for their kids 

I think I married my father… :( Is that possible after years of struggling for his attention and wanting a relationship with him. Did I actually pick someone just like him??

I had so many dreams for my girls and their relationship with their father. I was sure he would be a good dad even though I raised his son, that was 1-year-old when we got together. I don’t know what I was thinking I really thought he loved his son completely and was a good dad, but when I look back that’s not what I see.  Hind site is truly 20/20!! 

I have come to believe I chose this man because I still wanted approval from my father (any man works at that stage) that I never got and never will get! I wish at 19 years old we had a Quarter of the sense we have at 40 years old! Would have saved a lot of unhappiness!! 

I am happy to be free of that unhealthy relationship but I didn’t realize my girls have that same unhealthy relationship with their father that I did. Why? Because of the person he is and always will be. It is sad! :( 

The father daughter relationship (in my opinion) sets the stage for every relationship a girl has with a man. I’m so glad I have finally learned to accept who people are, respect myself and they must respect me as well! :) 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.”         Herbert Spencer quotes (British social Philosopher, 1820-1903)

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Am I Recovering From my Bipolar Episode??

If you have a mental illness you may understand this, if not you may not but I will try to be clear.  

For me an “episode” is up and down moods, inner anxiety and tenseness, a swirling of anger and emotions, highs (hypo-mania), over spending, not able to concentrate, busy and loud mind, under cleaning and well complete disorganization in all aspects of my life.   I do this rapid cycling thing so this all happens quickly over and over. My stress level gets super high and my blood pressure rises which causes me to be really tense.  This can last days, weeks, months and even years it varies every time.  The good news is this happens to me less than it used to due to my meds. 

This past “episode” lasted about 7 months from May 2011 to December 2011. Well that is if it’s actually subsiding. It’s hard to know as you feel good one day but then can either wake up totally depressed and pissed off the next or the good feeling can keep rising into a further episode of hypo-mania. I’m hoping for a recovery.  

For the last couple days I have felt almost like myself again. A calm happiness is how I describe it.  Being able to almost relax, I say almost cause I NEVER relax. I don’t know if its related to the Bipolar but I NEVER relax fully. Carl has really helped me with that tho as he is a calm easy-going guy and there is never drama of any kind with him. He is so comfortable I almost forget my issues. 

I even asked Carl today if he has noticed a difference in me the last few days and he said he did.  It might be a false recovery but I’m hoping not.  I dislike being unsure all the time about how I am going to wake up, but I hope for the best every day. :) 

When all this started it took me months  to realize I was having an “episode”.  I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t realize it got further than it should have so I didn’t adjust my meds till I was fully gone into the “episode”.  I have adjusted my meds but it takes weeks to months for it to take hold and I have to hope I have adjusted the right ones.  Looks like I may have made the right changes.  Cross your fingers! :)

I am hoping for a nice calm relaxing holiday but I know with my family that’s not likely. LOL 

I wish you all Happy Holidays!

May you find Peace, Joy and Happiness in the coming year!  

May all your dreams come true!

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