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Mental Illness Stigma or Should We Say Ignorance?

I started this blog to help people to understand that Mental Illness is just that an Illness. An illness like diabetes and the like. It is treatable, although not easy to treat and a long road to stability, it is treatable.neuron

We have to live a bit differently at times in our lives than others do, a lot of us end up on disability as keeping stress at a minimum keeps us from being out of hand. We fight our illness’ daily and we struggle just like anyone with a physical disability might, the difference being you can’t always see our disability but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

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Do I Share, I might be feeling better??

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Okay obviously I am sharing, positive news today. I am beginning to feel better!! woohoo, time to celebrate! Okay lets not get carried away, I have finally kicked the thoroughly awful feeling I got from taking the Latuda for the week I took it.  I actually feel in a good mood today! :-)  Always good news!

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I have an announcement

Hey guys, I have an announcement to make. I have started another blog, Yep I said, “another blog!” I want to move a large portion of the giveaways and such on over to that blog so I can keep this blog a bit more about life with Bipolar.

I have felt that the real reason I started this blog is getting lost. I need to make some money off the blogs to keep it running as I can’t really afford to keep paying for all this out of my limited income. I will keep ads and affiliate links on here and a few giveaways and such but majority will be at the new blog. Check it out don’t miss the fun!

What is the new blog name?? 1 Stressed Mom and 2 Girls.. It will be some funny stuff about our lives in this home of 3 women and reviews, giveaways, deals, coupons etc. There will be affiliate links on both blogs, I really need to get some money coming in to pay for the blog costs.

If anyone has any really good contacts for reviews or giveaways or any info you would like to share with me I would welcome any information you could share. Email me at [email protected] or [email protected], I check these email addresses regularly. I would love to hear what you all think of the new blog and the idea behind it! You are also welcome to leave a comment on this post as well.

Here is my new blogs button:

1 Stressed Mom and 2 Girls

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School is Almost in Session

Wow can you believe the summer is almost over! I know we can’t believe it, spent the entire summer closed up in the house being sick. Each one of us getting the flu starting with my youngest the day after they got out of school. She was sick for 3 full weeks then I got it, sick for 3 full weeks and still struggling with the congestion, then my oldest got it, sick for full 3 weeks and still coughing and congested.Image of kids at school bus stop

My youngest starts back to school 27th of August, and my oldest 04th of Sept, so yesterday we were out all day long shopping for clothes. Spent way too much and were all so exhausted at the end of the day we went to bed at 7pm. Not good for me as I slept for 8 straight hours and woke up at 3:30am. Yikes!! Going to be a NAP day for me! We had a great time shopping, had tons of luck for my youngest and got some good things and good deals for my oldest. My oldest has the worst anxiety and usually we have a real hard time getting clothes for her but we had a fun time and found a few things, Yay!

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Accomplishments and New Directions

Image of When yoiu need something to believe in start with YOURSELF

I recently had a scare with my heart, was carrying too many projects and too much stress and I was attempting to pass the California State Insurance License Exam. I found out this week the problem with my heart is really just the murmur/defect I was born with and that it should never cause me a real problem. YAY..TIME TO CELEBRATE!!

Today I passed the Insurance Licensing exam hence the title “Accomplishments”. Now it is time to crack down straighten things out and get back to my blog and my purpose. I cannot take on as much as I was doing before but I want to get back to writing this blog and researching over on FromHeart2Soul.com, finding my light, my soul and bringing it home.

This next week I will be back and ready to do some writing. I will work tomorrow but will be back Monday 07/16/12!

I hope I haven’t lost all of you by now! ♥♥♥

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Bipolar Week Ahead

Cartoon Image of Girl holding blank sign

That empty feeling, you know something should be there but what?

What does the Bipolar week ahead have in store for me? A while back I wrote about That Bipolar Mood Seeping Back into my Life.. it is still seeping in! I am trying so hard to be positive and feel happiness but lately I don’t seem to feel much of anything and I find myself saying negative things. I don’t feel in touch with my thoughts, then some negative topic comes spilling out of my mouth and I am in a sense surprised by it. This is a new feeling for me, I am not sure how to tackle it.

I have been having an issue with my heart and I am trying not to think the worst as I did when I was told it was likely a real problem. Maybe that has set me off a bit or maybe the job or maybe the boredom I am feeling with not being busy like I was with the blog and all the activity. I really am not sure why I feel the way I do or should I say not feel.

I have this empty feeling that I just can’t shake!

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Feeling the Relief

Image of Cartoon Dog Juggling

Me Juggling Life!

Today I made a couple of Big decisions and I am just beginning to feel the relief. I have addressed a few problems that I had been putting off.  Seems to be one of my symptoms to put stuff off, especially stuff I really don’t know how to handle, or a situation I have never been in!

I have never been good with my finances. I tend to not keep close enough eye on my money and times are tough right now so I have fallen behind on most of my credit bills. We run out of money 2 weeks after I get paid and I get paid once a month. I just pray we don’t run out of something we can’t live without but this past month I had to borrow money from Carl to get through. That is super embarrassing for me. I am at a point in my life that I have never been at before, I have never been in a position that I couldn’t pay my bills on time and with the increase in cost

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Being Trapped in a Dark Place…

Image of Clouds and sun

 

I was talking to my friend Sonya and I mentioned to her that in the early days, before I had been diagnosed bipolar II, I felt as if I was trapped in a very dark place inside myself unable to get out and be who I really am.  This feeling was present at a very early age, this feeling trapped inside.

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Exhaustion… Overwhelmed…

 

Image of storm clouds

♥ ♥ ♥

I know I have said this before but I’m exhausted and feeling overwhelmed again.   My brain drives me nuts, it’s so busy and the thoughts keep flying through my brain rushing past like little tornadoes.  I can’t seem to grasp them enough to even know what most of them are.

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A Worn Out Bipolar Mind…

Wow, what a day, weekend, well week really. I am exhausted my mind and body are racing and I am Wits end worn out.  I can’t sleep well. I sleep a few hours and wake up and then toss and turn or I wake up constantly, if I do sleep I feel like I was never asleep, my mind doesn’t stop.  Ugh!

I’m thinking about getting some Melatonin to help me get to sleep but not sure it will work and have no money right now anyway. lol   Always the case right. 

Poor Sami, I was so crabby today and got all mad at her while we were driving and then we got a flat tire in the neighbors car.  I have to say we broke down in the best place as these really nice people came out of their house to see if we were ok and her husband changed the tire for us. Renews my faith in people. They were really sweet people and didn’t hesitate to come out and help. As a matter of fact the husband just said lets open the trunk and he changed the tire without hesitation.  Thank you nice people.

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Mental Illness and Empathy??

Lately I have been thinking about this topic of Empathy and how it may relate to my Mental Illness. I was talking to a good friend when she said her son, who has a diagnosis, is very in tune with people and how empathetic he is.  It was like a light bulb went off and I said that my daughter is also very empathetic and I have always had a large dose of empathy in my dealings with others. 

I told her that I think the Empathy is related to our Mental illness and honestly that I think it doesn’t help us with stabilizing our illness. What I mean is we are so sensitive to emotions and what I always have called peoples vibes that it affects us greatly. I am very affected by others feelings. I can’t go to a funeral for anyone whether I know them or not with out being so completely utterly hysterical that I can’t stay at the service long. I end up Bawling and snot is going everywhere and I always run out of tissues. (Yuck not a good visual) The emotions are over whelming and I feel the sadness and despair others feel as if it is my own. I cannot control it in the least. I can read someone’s story in a book and feel the loss or sadness, mostly books that are real life stories.  Although I bawl like a baby at any sad movie. It is embarrassing it’s so bad.  Image of a waterfall

Anyway back to the topic… I think the empathy we feel, the sense of others problems we feel, even when we don’t know what the problem is can really be difficult when it comes to stabilizing a mental illness.  I have not actually done any research it’s just my observation, as when someone near me has a serious problem I tend to become unstable and its usually surrounding their feelings that starts it. It goes on for a long time once it starts too.  

I think I am going to do some research and see what information might be out there to see if anyone else has researched or thought this way… 

I will have to do another post on this subject soon.. Keep an eye out for it… 

A quote for today:

The secret of many a man’s success in the world resides in his insight into the moods of men and his tact in dealing with them. ~J. G. Holland

Quote from Inspirational Quotes

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Migrated my blog to wordpress.org..

I’m sure you all have noticed MORE changes to my blog… I’m sorry I can’t stop changing things but hopefully one day I will be happy with it. I tend to get bored and change things a lot.  I think it may be part of the Bipolar symptoms I’m not positive. At least I think I’m now happy with the logo or header for the blog now!

Well I moved my blog from WordPress.com to WordPress.org as I wanted to be able to work on doing more with the blog. I have some work to do to figure out how to get involved in reviews or giveaways etc but I will be researching and doing more soon.  If any of you have suggestions on where to turn for information or suggestions please feel free to leave a comment.  

I really have no direction on where to turn but I am looking into it! I want to try to monetize the blog a bit. I dont want a super busy ads all over the place blog that takes away from my true reason for blogging but just enough to help with the costs. 

 

I hope you are all having a great 2012.. I know for me it has been a good one so far and my youngest daughter turns 13 tomorrow February 7, 2012. It’s unbelievable to me really.  Happy Birthday Jessica!! 

 

 

 

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Bipolar Life, Good Days? or Bad Days?

Just thought I should write a bit about how things are going for me at this time. As far as how I am feeling inside. 

Today feels like another good day. I hope I don’t eat those words later in the day! :)  We are all going to Carl’s house for dinner he is cooking for us.. Can’t wait. He is so cute, my youngest said to him when are you going to cook for us again I want your mashed potatoes and salad, that was over the weekend.  So last night when I went to leave his house he said. “hey do you all want to come for dinner tomorrow? Jessi said she wanted mashed potatoes and salad, so I thought tomorrow would be a good day.”  I said, “of course!”  He is a thoughtful guy. 

I have something to look forward to next week too. I am meeting two women I met on Twitter, Miriam and Pamela, as they are coming to town.  I’m super excited can’t wait to meet them. Miriam and I have the Bipolar children in common and her son’s name is Sam and my diagnosed daughter is named Samantha. We cracked up that they were both Sams as I call Samantha, Sami! Small world I’m telling you.  Pamela is just a super woman and I really have enjoyed our interactions, she is fun!  So looking forward to that next week. 

So I guess I should get to the real reason I’m writing this post.  I am feeling pretty good now.  

a peaceful pic of the sunset over the water

Peaceful!

My mind has finally slowed down and my irritation level is lower than it has been, I’m still not organized but I think that’s just part of the illness.  I can only organize my thoughts so far then off they go. :)  I do not have the swirling tornado inside me now so that is a big relief.  My mother is moving three hours away so she won’t have any power to mess up any relationships and I can get a little distance without hurting her feelings. Big Relief! :)

I really am enjoying my time with the kids and with Carl. Next month we are going to visit his parents with him for a weekend, usually he goes alone but I am excited to be going with him and so are the kids. He is such a loving man, thoughtful and sensitive, it’s awesome. 

All in all I am doing well!! Now that might change later today or tomorrow or next week or a month I don’t know honestly but I can enjoy this time while it lasts.

I  want you all to know your support and kind words have really touched me and helped me to feel better, Thank You all! 

Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.
~Doug Firebaugh

Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
~Chinese Proverb


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Relationship with my Mom… Do I have to end it??

If you all read my post Family Drama and Unnecessary BS you know that I have some issues with my mother. She tends to bring negativity into my life and cause problems between me and other family members for fun.  She wants everyone to be there for her but no one else. 

Recently it came to my attention that she was lying to my father and my brother about me and the facts surrounding her gas bill on my credit card and other things. She is living on about $930.00 a month yet claims she paid off her gas bill of $2,000.00 twice this year and I used the money for something else and she is forced to continue paying on the bill.  Well to start she has never paid the bill I have each month. My income is also limited and I can’t afford to pay her bill.  The big deal with her doing this is that my dad helps me out sometimes when I am upside down on my bills.. If she comes between us he will stop helping me, which would force me to need to live with her.  Yep that’s what she is up to…

Anyway, I have just found out that she went back to where she used to live, about 3 hours away, to help a friend and she isn’t coming back.  She is moving back there.. Phew relief came over me.

Why am I relieved?? Because this means I don’t have to have a knock down drag out fight with her and eject her from my life.  She won’t be able to make issues for me that far away. I am able now to limit contact and she won’t be right in the middle of my life causing troubles. It was so hard when I had to remove her from my life before and I was not looking forward to having to hurt her that way again.  I know she is mentally ill and that’s why she does the crap she does but that doesn’t mean I can allow it to affect my life negatively.

I was so dreading the conflict that would happen when I tried to remove her from my immediate life. I do love her, she is my mother… I just wish she would admit her problems and go get help.  I know that isn’t ever going to happen I just hope her life settles down and she doesn’t have any more bad experiences like she has in the past.  Most of those bad experiences happened where she is now living but for some reason she is drawn to that area. I can’t explain it!

Your success and happiness lies in you.image of plumeria flower
Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties. 

~ Helen Keller~

 

 

 

 

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An Excellent Weekend

I have whined so much lately I thought I would share my weekend with you all… 

I had a great weekend. Saturday my oldest daughter went to her friend’s house for the day my youngest is at her dads for the weekend so I had alone time with Carl. A rare occasion! 

I got up in the morning and went for a hike/walk with Carl.. Then home to shower and get cleaned up hung out with Carl for an hour or so. We then went to a movie, Sherlock Holmes, not the usual movie I would watch but I really enjoyed the movie. Maybe because I was with Carl I don’t know! Before the movie we got a plate of food from our favorite place in the mall. We shared it so we sat and ate then we walked around until it was time to go into the movie. Got some popcorn and went in. 

I have had such a good time getting to know Carl. He really is a special guy! He is sweet to me and I love it! 

Today Sunday, my daughter and I went down to clean my dads house for him while he was out-of-town, so it would be clean for him when he returned. Did some laundry while we were there too!  Then we went by a Wing place, got some buffalo style chicken strips, took it home and pigged out! We laughed and joked around the entire day its was really an enjoyable day with her.  I love my girl she is such a special kid.  I can’t believe she is 16 already. :(  … :)

She had some homework to do so I went over to Carl’s and hung out with him. It’s so nice that he is beginning to open up more and tell me about his life.  He has been unsure if he should, I guess he has been out with some real insecure women in the past and has not been sure what to expect from me.  I feel that life is too short for insecurity and jealousy of someone’s past. His past has made him who he is now and I really enjoy him so that makes me thankful for his past experiences! 

It’s hard to imagine that through the 7 months of unstable moods and different energy he has not wavered in seeing me.  He accepts me for who I am and I the same with him. I worry when I’m not feeling well that it might be too much for him to take.  My swirling bipolar mind and my nonstop talking and rambling on doesn’t seem to bother him. He kind of seems to understand it!  

He told me when we started dating that he would wear on me in 6 months and I would get tired of him. Tonight I said, ” wow Carl it has been a really long 6 months, he looked at me perplexed… I said, “remember you said you would wear on me in 6 months but that hasn’t happened yet.” He responded, “yeah well if we spent anymore time together it would happen.” I was surprised and said to him, “why do you think that way?”  He says, “I just do.” so I let it be but I hate that he feels badly about himself.  He is a great guy! Funny thing is we spend time together every day I’m not sure we could spend more time together… lol

Oh by the way we have dated since September 2010! :)

In conclusion… I had a great weekend between the time spent with Carl and with my daughter. It was such a fun, simple, relaxing weekend. After the BS with my family it was great to really have a nice couple days. 

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Family Drama and Unnecessary BS…

You have probably experienced some of the same Family Drama I do but today really took the cake!  I’m sorry this will be a rant!!

My brother asks me to come to lunch with him yesterday, first red flag!  I agreed as I love to spend some time with him but thought something was up. We live close by and never see each other.

Backing up a bit.. Until a couple of years ago I did not see my mother. She was banned from my life due to her ‘drama’. She makes everything a stressful situation and pits all our family members against each other. I know your thinking how is that possible, believe me it is.

Back to current day… My brother says to me, “I have a reason for wanting to have lunch today, something I need to talk to you about.” I said, “I thought there was something, whats up?”

This was me!

He tells me that my mother has told my father that I am calling her asking her to move in with me because I need her money to make my bills each month.  “What???”  I shriek

More back ground… my mother has used my gas card for 18 months and she has not been paying the bill, I have. The balance was at $1200.00 7 months ago, she had given me the $1200.00 to pay it off. I don’t remember why, but  I put $600.00 on the gas card and used the other $600.00.  She told me that she was quitting her job that required her to drive so many miles and was costing so much in gas. Well she didn’t quit the job, and has now run the bill up to $2000.00 which is the limit on the card.  She lives on Social Security so her income is VERY limited. I’m living on Disability so my income is VERY limited  and I have two teenage kids to care for, therefore my father helps us out with money when I need it.

Back to my conversation with my brother… He says, my mother is telling my father that she has paid off  this gas card twice in the last year both times at $2000.00 and that I have not paid the card and done something else with the money, she doesn’t know what and she is still paying on the card. Really and where did she get that  money to pay it off and if she had money why would she need to use the card, is my question. She was working a sales job that was commission ONLY and never sold anything so she never got paid.

My dad tells my brother and his wife this at Christmas and they were shocked. They knew that was not true. They knew she was not paying the monthly payment and that she had given me the $1200.00 and what I had done with it. They also know that she has run the bill up and is not paying it.  My dad says he isn’t sure he should help me out with money as I’m not handling my money properly! They attempted to explain to my dad, who knows my mother rarely tells the truth, that she is lying. He believes her and is upset about it.  Thankfully I am open book people close to me know me and know I would never do what she is saying..

Don’t get me wrong… my father is not obligated to help me and I appreciate every bit of help he gives me. I do not expect him to help me.  I have struggled since my divorce and rarely make my bills, partly because  I must have medicine and psychiatric treatment and so do BOTH my girls. It’s just ridiculously expensive here and I can’t find any work at home jobs to supplement my income.

I am upset that I let my mother back into my life after 6 years of not seeing her and she has done nothing but caused issues, drama and stress for me, my father and my brother. She doesn’t see my brother’s family for the same reason she didn’t see mine, but my brother still talks to her. My father is angry that I even let my mother use my gas card and I can’t believe she told him the lies she did.

I am disappointed! You wonder, Why is she doing this?? Because she wants me to live with her to help us both pay the bills.  She is attempting to alienate me and my father so he won’t help me and I won’t have a choice but to live with her. I won’t live with her as I have to keep my stress down and that is not possible with her, everything is stressful with her. She creates problems where there aren’t any and it’s because our family is full of  mental illness and people who are in denial and won’t get treatment. My mother is at the top of that list.

My dad was concerned about her coming between him and I when she first came back into my life,  she is now going through him to drive us apart. Unfortunately he can’t see it because he still loves her. They have been divorced since I was three but he never remarried only had a couple of relationships and is now alone and plans to stay that way.

I don’t want him to think I have lied to him or taken advantage of him! I want him to know I appreciate everything he does for us! He thinks I am taking advantage of everyone and taking money from her when she has none that frustrates me.

I’m so over it!!

 

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