Today turned out to be a stressful day. It seems that the pressures of my life and my dysfunctional mind is really getting to me.
If you have read my other stuff you can probably see that I put undue pressure on myself. Especially where it comes to helping others! Well I help anyone with almost anything whether it fits into my life or not…and once again another friend let me down. Wasn’t the end of the world but it really left me hurt and depressed. No need to get into it now!
I don’t usually expect people to return favors of any kind, I find it easier to not expect it but when you are a good friend to someone and you help them with a lot, it can really let you down when they don’t think of you. Especially at this time of the year!
I expect someone, I call a friend, to actually be a friend to me on a similar level I am to them. Lesson learned, people are who they are and you can’t give them more credit than they deserve, lower your expectations and you won’t be hurt. ♥♥♥
I had a major melt down today! My friend let me down and it hurt me and then I talked to my mother. She is fighting with her landlord and is sure he will be telling her to move, but she thinks he is being extra nasty now to try to drive her out so he doesn’t have to evict her. Keep in mind my mother is living on 930.00 a month, you can’t get an apartment for that bit much less anything else. Her and I have always had a difficult relationship. Today she tells me she is going to confront the landlord and ask him if he is going to make her move. I freaked I said, “Oh, no you won’t. listen I can’t take you in now I have enough going on I can’t make my rent and we don’t get along.” I kept telling her don’t you dare, you ride this out till we can figure out where your moving to.” She says she is planning on living in her car. That conversation continued till she got really mad and said, in a nasty tone, I will talk to you later I’m sure your busy, or something like that. :(
My daughter is home sick I’m worried about her.. waiting to hear from her father who is asking his doctor if he will see her as my doctor is not open today. Then I get a text from his new wife telling me he isn’t available and to try not to get mad that she is texting me. Too Late! So I had to get her out of bed and get her dressed to leave.
Then I get a call from a creditor, yes my bills are behind because of my limited income. Not an easy time for me. Kills me to pay things late. But to go a bit further I’m also short for rent that is due on the first about 75.00 short. I have turned in all my recycling and took the coins to the bank but still, I’m short. This really scares me, I have to pay rent or I might lose it!!
My partner on the website is attempting to talk to me and I have all this on my mind and can’t concentrate can’t remember my passwords or even my name as all I can think of is whats going on around me and my finances. Swirling Bipolar Mind!!
Left the doctor, thankfully my daughter isn’t seriously ill and he gave her antibiotics that will hopefully help her. I have her call her dad on the way home to tell him the outcome of the doctor appointment, he tells her that during work he had an accident. He is a truck driver for a large company, delivers equipment. Sounds like his fault and the company he works for has been looking for a reason to fire him so I am assuming he will lose his job. Which means NO Insurance for the kids, and where is the child support going to come from that I rely on each month. Not to speak of the medicine costs and doctors visits that are required due to our mental health issues.
Ok so you can see my mind is swirling and by the time I was at the high school picking up my daughter, I’m losing it! What do I do? I call my mom thinking I could vent to her as I don’t know who else to call and what does she do?? She complains non-stop about her landlord and issues till I interrupt her and blurt everything out. Not helpful because by the time I got it out and upset my daughter was at the car with her teenage attitude. She immediately tells me in that teenager attitude voice to move my wallet. I’m wound so tight by then that I tell my mom I have to go and hang up. Then my daughter says, “whats your problem?” This is great… I continue to rattle off every problem I have from the website and not having enough time to the fact that we can’t make rent and we have no milk..LOL :( Poor kid I dumped it all out in the car and she didn’t know what to do… She just sat quietly.
Do you hear the wind-up happening??? Oh yes and it gets better… I get home and Carl calls and he immediately asks,”are you ok??” Yep I answered honestly and began to cry. Told him everything that is bothering me and that I’m falling apart. He really didn’t know what to say but he offered me money, I of course said, “No thank you I will work it out.” He is a great guy really. ♥♥ He patiently listened and when I apologized for losing it like that he said well we all do it. I let stuff get to me too and sometimes it just seems like it won’t stop coming at you.
I then recovered and asked him about his day etc and laughed about my breaking down.
I was so upset then I try to sit down to work on the site and blog and I just can’t do it so I tell Sonya I am losing it and have to go. Then I hung out with the kids and made some pizza and here I am. Still stressed and attempting to function.. Oh Happy Holiday Season from a Bipolar mind! :)
You just gotta chuckle at it all don’t ya? ♥