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School is Almost in Session

Wow can you believe the summer is almost over! I know we can’t believe it, spent the entire summer closed up in the house being sick. Each one of us getting the flu starting with my youngest the day after they got out of school. She was sick for 3 full weeks then I got it, sick for 3 full weeks and still struggling with the congestion, then my oldest got it, sick for full 3 weeks and still coughing and congested.Image of kids at school bus stop

My youngest starts back to school 27th of August, and my oldest 04th of Sept, so yesterday we were out all day long shopping for clothes. Spent way too much and were all so exhausted at the end of the day we went to bed at 7pm. Not good for me as I slept for 8 straight hours and woke up at 3:30am. Yikes!! Going to be a NAP day for me! We had a great time shopping, had tons of luck for my youngest and got some good things and good deals for my oldest. My oldest has the worst anxiety and usually we have a real hard time getting clothes for her but we had a fun time and found a few things, Yay!

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Those Bipolar Anxiety Moments

I recently decided to start looking for a home, well a mobile home. I cannot in anyway afford a true house so this is another option and we have a really nice park in town that I know people who live in and are happy there.

My father will help me with a down payment and I might be able to save as much as 500.00 a month cartoon image of woman in bed unable to sleep with anxietywith this move and be out of apartments. Here I was super excited about the prospect of it all and I picked up some flyer’s and needed to call.. Well a week went by and I just couldn’t call.  I know nothing about purchasing a home of any form and my anxiety took over.

My boyfriend asked me if I had made any calls and I explained to him, in tears, that I couldn’t get past the anxiety and make the calls. He said, ” I will call for you, I will come over tomorrow and we will call.” and he did just that.. What a great guy.  Thank you Carl.

We looked at this one unit that was beautiful. Fully renovated all new appliances and 3 bedrooms in a terrific park. This park is run strictly and kept very clean. There are kids and a great pool but things are orderly and kept nice. It is the premier park in our area.

I was so nervous going to look at the place and of course Carl went with me. I walked in and fell in love with it. It’s beautiful and not like most mobile homes you would imagine. The kids could have their own room and I wouldn’t have anyone above me walking around like elephants at 11pm every night. I am sure that with out Carl helping me I would not have been able to make this contact. The anxiety I have is such a strong force that holds me back from things I have never experienced I try so hard to over come it but in this case it won.

Do you have any anxiety like this or do you know any one who does?? How do you get past it or do you? I am blessed to have good people in my life that help me past this issue, but there are times I miss out on things because of it. Leave me a comment…

Much Love

Shauna

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Decisions Made About This Blog

Hi Everyone!

Image of Sun coming through branches

I can see the light again!

I want to let you all know that I have made a decision about this blog. I will no longer carry reviews and giveaways on a regular basis.  It has been way too much pressure for me and causing way too much stress for my Bipolar Mind. My mood fluctuations are a direct result of the stress I am under and lately they have been worse than they were for years.

I decided to get back to the reason I started this blog and focus more on that. Now I may do a review of a book or so that fits the description of the blog but the other stuff I am done with. I really thought I could manage it but it really is a hard job with too much stress for me.

I know my doctor will be happy about this.. lol  I hope you are too and you understand that I just cannot keep this pace up.

I appreciate you all putting up with my bit of experimenting with my blog and whether I could earn a little income or not.  I decided NOT!

Have a great week and I will be posting more soon!!  Much love to you all..

 

Image(s): FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Clairsentient…Post 4

More on Clairsentient, or the Sensitive Being.

Cartoon image of girl getting massage..

This is what I need about now! :)

Today I am starting with an essay that was written about Entrainment, called Understanding Entrainment. Keep in mind I am just giving some short bursts of this information, I suggest you to the site to read it if you have any interest.  To go to ‘Understanding Entrainment’ click here.  It is below the vocabulary section so just scroll down.

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Depression and Sleep..

Image of Woman Laying in Bed

This is where I want to be!

I admitted to myself and the world yesterday I am deeply depressed, slipped right into a major depression when I wasn’t looking.  I am not sleeping. I sleep but I never really rest, my mind is going like I am awake and I wake up in the morning exhausted with thoughts swirling in my brain.

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Trip to the Lab with my Teen.

I have to share this experience with you for several reasons. First it was kind of funny, second I want to help others understand anxiety and the power it has over your mind and body.

Here it is more than a month after the doctor ordered blood work for my 16 year old.  Keep in mind she has a terrible panic/anxiety issue where doctors, hospitals, labs or any kind of x-ray or test are concerned. Her experiences with hospitals and people who could not put in an IV started when she was 3 yrs old.  She was hospitalized for a urinary tract infection. Long story!  Needless to say I took her to the hospital the doctor told me to take her to when I should have taken her to Children’s Hospital.  Anyway, at that time it was discovered that she has a kidney re-flux problem. The tests were invasive and traumatizing and were done annually for several years, until we couldn’t get her through it any longer. She has never been able to get her blood drawn without a full panic attack.

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A Worn Out Bipolar Mind…

Wow, what a day, weekend, well week really. I am exhausted my mind and body are racing and I am Wits end worn out.  I can’t sleep well. I sleep a few hours and wake up and then toss and turn or I wake up constantly, if I do sleep I feel like I was never asleep, my mind doesn’t stop.  Ugh!

I’m thinking about getting some Melatonin to help me get to sleep but not sure it will work and have no money right now anyway. lol   Always the case right. 

Poor Sami, I was so crabby today and got all mad at her while we were driving and then we got a flat tire in the neighbors car.  I have to say we broke down in the best place as these really nice people came out of their house to see if we were ok and her husband changed the tire for us. Renews my faith in people. They were really sweet people and didn’t hesitate to come out and help. As a matter of fact the husband just said lets open the trunk and he changed the tire without hesitation.  Thank you nice people.

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Driving License Test on Monday

I can’t believe it!! My daughter’s behind the wheel driving test is Monday.  We have had to borrow a car from a neighbor for her to be able to take the test because I only have a stick shift.  Don’t get me wrong she has learned on my car and drives great but with her anxiety issues she is not able to take the test in my car.

You have to understand she is seriously depressed right now. So much so she has been having a hard time going to school, she is so down, but I force her to go to teach her she has to work through the depression.  Unfortunately, what comes with her depression is high anxiety.  Anxiety and a behind the wheel test in a stick shift, with a total stranger, are not a good match.

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Psych Appointment for my Youngest…

Well believe it or not it actually happened finally, the appointment that is!! 

All in all the doctor was nice, semi thorough so I am hoping things go well.  She is a bit annoying, mainly her voice, but nothing to complain about really!!  Jessi actually talked to her some answered questions once she was comfortable.  She doesn’t like doctors and doesn’t like to talk to people she doesn’t know and really doesn’t want to admit the problems she has so there is always a bit of nudging to get her to speak.. lol :)  Got the refill for her medication and of course it is more costly than with the last insurance it was 90.00 co pay for 90 days worth the pills.  Could be worse.. :) 

I was able to set an appointment for my oldest Samantha and she will go on Monday at 9am.  Not looking forward to the cost on her medication as with the other company it was over 200.00 for 90 day supply, Yikes!  Lets hope it isn’t much more than that.. :)  I still don’t think this place is equipped to really give good psychiatric care but we will do what we can to get what the kids need.  It was interesting as I told her how Jessi has been lately and how up and down she has been and she says ok I will see you back in three months.. I thought Really?! But what can you expect.. NO real attempt to see her a few times to see how she is really doing just refill the meds and send her on her way.  LOL

I must sound hard to please, well I am, where the kids are concerned.  Oh, we are also going to see about signing up for a class that will teach her some coping skills for her anxiety..  She has had some pretty good panic attacks over the last few months so I think that might be helpful.  I have heard they have decent therapy and classes that can help with certain things so we will check it out and see what it is all about.

I am thankful they finally contacted me and we were able to see a doctor and not go through all the red tape of therapy and evaluations etc..  I want the evaluations but would prefer it be by the doctor that will be treating her.  I don’t believe a report in writing is going to tell the doctor much, she needs to evaluate them herself.

Very sorry I didn’t get this done sooner, I spent the day starting to set up a blog at a different place to switch to but there are issues there.  Just so you all know I will be moving the blog as I want more functionality so watch for that to happen.. Coming Soon a new look but same address! 

Mountain Sunset

~Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
~Louisa May Alcott~

Quote from Inspirational Quotes

Image: M – Pics / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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The Love of a Mother…

My girls mean the world to me.  I have watched them grow into these beautiful young women.  I don’t mean beautiful in just the way they look, I mean they are beautiful people inside.

Thoughtful, caring, moral and real is just a few ways to describe my girls. I am very proud of who they strive to be, how much they care for others and how they don’t always think of themselves first.  They are not perfect, they make mistakes, they are teenagers so attitude is just part of life now but they are loving people even when they are trying not to be. lol :)

I have tried to teach them to respect themselves and even tho my oldest is struggling with this due to her lack of confidence, I do believe they will respect themselves as adults and need others do the same. My oldest especially since she requires that from her father even though she doesn’t get the respect she deserves as  a person from him!

My oldest is smart, beautiful, sensitive, caring, thoughtful and very capable of anything she wishes in life. She suffers with Bipolar2 Disorder just like I do but she has been treated since she was young and I believe it will not keep her from being a very successful woman! I believe she will end up in a field that helps others. She is excited about the prospect of driving and getting a job. I believe a job would do wonders for her confidence level!  She is creative and a bit artsy!  She is full of anxiety at times but doesn’t let it cripple her!  She is still a bit shy but that has improved every year. She is amazing to me and deserves the best out of life!

My youngest is a complete opposite of my oldest, from their looks to their personalities! She is full of energy, never stops moving and talking.  She is a smart girl but things don’t come easy for her in school like my oldest. She works hard and gets great grades. She has a serious Anxiety issue developing and suffers with depression. She has been treated for a couple of years now for the depression but the anxiety, although it has always been there, has developed into a disorder lately! She is confident and outgoing and a social butterfly.  She is starting to have boyfriends and, as I have always known, will be a teenager to keep an eye on. lol She is very capable, thoughtful, caring, has tons of friends and feels bad when she does something wrong. She is a people pleaser!  She strives to be a good person and therefore she is! She loves and accepts people for who they are, although she is easily hurt by others it doesn’t keep her from moving forward. Just like my oldest she is amazing.  She is a terrific person and a beautiful girl! I couldn’t be more proud of her!

I love my girls with all my heart and have always tried to think of them as PEOPLE, they are not just kids they are small adults in the making and they deserve respect and caring.  I find so many parents treat kids as if they really aren’t people they just want to rule them and that isn’t healthy for any child! We are here to correct them and teach them but we don’t rule them, they have their own feelings and although we may not always agree with the way they feel they deserve to be respected and treated fairly.  We must as parents take their feelings into consideration when we make decisions in our lives. Every move we make affects them and it is our job to consider them as well!

We should know them well enough to know how our decisions will affect them and consider that every time we change something in our lives. I believe honesty is the most important thing in your relationship with your kids. How do we teach them to be open and honest yet lie to them about things in their lives. It doesn’t work that way! 

I love my girls and I hope that they always remember that no matter what happens in their lives! 

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                                           

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Mom and daughter hugging a heart

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Dinner Out and Anxiety…

Have you ever seen an adult or child out in a Public place with a blank stare, staring straight forward and looking really unhappy? They have that look like they are trying to disappear into the back ground and they don’t make eye contact at all. 

That was my daughter this last Friday night when we went to dinner with some friends.  Unfortunately the restaurant choice was a noisy, crazy, fun and somewhat obnoxious place.  It is a fun place but my daughter, who is 15, has serious anxiety and is Bipolar2, couldn’t take it.

Of course all the adults in the area kept trying to talk to her and the waiter was down right picking at her because she was so blank.  Really, she was petrified and every person that insisted on talking to her and trying to make her smile made it ten times worse but how do you tell people to stop with out embarrassing her? I have never over the past 10 years had any way to tell people to stop with out it being an issue and them wanting further explanation.  If you explain its anxiety they don’t understand and want more information, which turns into a full discussion and embarrasses her. :(

So on this occasion I decided to start the fun.  I picked up a napkin, wadded it up and threw it at my other daughter.  See this restaurant you throw napkins around and do whatever make a huge mess. That started everyone at the table throwing napkins at each other and then expanded to the other people seated in the area.  Before I knew it the entire room was throwing napkins and wearing funny paper hats the waiters were making for them. The waiters and waitresses were throwing entire packages of napkins into the air and they were falling like large snow flakes. It was a ton of fun.

But there was my daughter still sitting in the same place with a blank look on her face and now she is annoyed as she has no tolerance for fun silly stuff when she feels that way.  At least not everyone was watching her and wondering what was wrong and there were no conversations on the fact that she has terrible anxiety and has since she was 5.

I just try to talk to her and keep her present and calm but she didn’t even eat dinner we took her meal home, she just couldn’t do it!  When we got home she was exhausted, that is what that type of anxiety will do to you.  She went straight to bed and slept late the next day! 

I hope that if you see anyone this uncomfortable you won’t keep at them if they don’t respond. I completely understand why people  talk to her at first because they want to help but when she doesn’t respond I wish people would let her be.  If there was something to be done to help her I would have already done it!! :)  

Information

This is a link to NIMH statistics on anxiety in children http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYANX_child.shtml

Facts & Statistics From Anxiety Disorders Association of America 

 Did You Know?
  • Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).
  • Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment.
  • Anxiety disorders cost the U.S. more than $42 billion a year, almost one-third of the country’s $148 billion total mental health bill, according to “The Economic Burden of Anxiety Disorders,” a study commissioned by ADAA (The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry,60(7), July 1999).
    •  More than $22.84 billion of those costs are associated with the repeated use of health care services; people with anxiety disorders seek relief for symptoms that mimic physical illnesses.
  • People with an anxiety disorder are three to five times more likely to go to the doctor and six times more likely to be hospitalized for psychiatric disorders than those who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.
  • Anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.
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Am I Recovering From my Bipolar Episode??

If you have a mental illness you may understand this, if not you may not but I will try to be clear.  

For me an “episode” is up and down moods, inner anxiety and tenseness, a swirling of anger and emotions, highs (hypo-mania), over spending, not able to concentrate, busy and loud mind, under cleaning and well complete disorganization in all aspects of my life.   I do this rapid cycling thing so this all happens quickly over and over. My stress level gets super high and my blood pressure rises which causes me to be really tense.  This can last days, weeks, months and even years it varies every time.  The good news is this happens to me less than it used to due to my meds. 

This past “episode” lasted about 7 months from May 2011 to December 2011. Well that is if it’s actually subsiding. It’s hard to know as you feel good one day but then can either wake up totally depressed and pissed off the next or the good feeling can keep rising into a further episode of hypo-mania. I’m hoping for a recovery.  

For the last couple days I have felt almost like myself again. A calm happiness is how I describe it.  Being able to almost relax, I say almost cause I NEVER relax. I don’t know if its related to the Bipolar but I NEVER relax fully. Carl has really helped me with that tho as he is a calm easy-going guy and there is never drama of any kind with him. He is so comfortable I almost forget my issues. 

I even asked Carl today if he has noticed a difference in me the last few days and he said he did.  It might be a false recovery but I’m hoping not.  I dislike being unsure all the time about how I am going to wake up, but I hope for the best every day. :) 

When all this started it took me months  to realize I was having an “episode”.  I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t realize it got further than it should have so I didn’t adjust my meds till I was fully gone into the “episode”.  I have adjusted my meds but it takes weeks to months for it to take hold and I have to hope I have adjusted the right ones.  Looks like I may have made the right changes.  Cross your fingers! :)

I am hoping for a nice calm relaxing holiday but I know with my family that’s not likely. LOL 

I wish you all Happy Holidays!

May you find Peace, Joy and Happiness in the coming year!  

May all your dreams come true!

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Continued: Anxiety and Trouble at School

Well If you have read my other two posts My Daughter and Anxiety and Continued Anxiety and my Daughter you have an idea of how much anxiety my youngest has dealt with, well here is an update! 

Today I called the school at 7am to see if I could set up to where I would be at the meeting Jessica had to have with the Vice Principle at school.  I just wanted to be there to support her and her anxiety about it was so bad that she was making herself ill again.  Never been in trouble at school and had no idea what would happen! 

We met him at 7:40 10 min before school was to start and he wanted the teacher to be there as well. We talked about it all and I explained it wasnt the teachers fault but Jessi had admitted to cheating when she swears she wasnt.  I understand she has to be treated like she is guilty as she said she was.. :(  Well we waited, and waited but the teacher never came to the meeting.  Jessi has math assessment tests today and that was her first period class so now she is late for that class.  Her math teacher called while we were meeting to tell Jessi that she can stay in her class during science to finish the testing if need be. Which is good because that’s the class where she is being punished for Cheating on a test. 

Once she relaxed the Vice Principle and I decided we would not wait any longer and he walked her to class.  Jessi had relaxed and I think the anxiety for today might have passed. Yay!! :)  I came home and went a step further.  I decided I may have mishandled the conversation with her teacher. I upset her and couldn’t shake that feeling so I typed up  a nice email explaining and apologizing for mishandling our conversation and sent it to the teacher.  

I do still believe Jessi didn’t cheat on the test (she did cheat on the homework tho) but really we will never know! I’m OK with that as I think this anxiety she has is a good sign.  She has a conscience and she will not do wrong again with her work. We all make mistakes and I believe she has learned from this experience!  

So here I am reading a website called DamnYouAutoCorrect.com and laughing as my stress level so needs to decrease! I’m exhausted!! lol  :)  Hope you all have a great weekend and a nice holiday coming up! 

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Continued… Anxiety and My Daughter…

Today was a hard day for my youngest daughter and me.  She went back to school after being out for three full days and promptly got another talking to by her teacher.  It seems that her teacher decided she cheated on a test, not hard to understand how, but when she questioned Jessi about it she panicked and told the teacher she was the one who cheated.  The minute the teacher confronted her with the accusation she began a full-blown panic attack.  Yep full-blown panic attack. 

Jessi managed to sit through the rest of the class but by the time she got to her next class she was visible sick.  She was pale, having a hard time breathing and visibly upset.  She was scared and her next teacher noticed she didn’t look good and sent her to the nurse’s office.  The nurse knew she had been out of school 3 days this week and allowed Jessi to call me.  I thought maybe she just  needed to eat something so I took her some peanut butter crackers.  She ate one but she was visible ill so I talked to her about what was wrong.  I told her I thought she was having anxiety and I needed to know what was wrong but she insisted nothing was wrong.  So I took her home. We talked a lot but she insisted she had no idea why she was so panicked and upset.

Then about 20 minutes after we were home she says to me, “mom I think I may know whats wrong.” I said, “OK honey, what is it?”  She proceeds to tell me that her teacher accused her of cheating on a test and that she didn’t cheat, but she told the teacher it was her that cheated. Not sure why because she insists she didn’t cheat on the test.  She admits to cheating on the homework but swears she didn’t cheat on the test.  

So I called the teacher to discuss it, after Jessi told me that the teacher told her she didn’t believe she was sick and she is not dumb she knows why Jessi hasn’t been at school .  That was not a good thing  as that made me angry. This child has thrown up off and on for 3 days, who is this teacher to say she wasn’t sick without talking to me.  So basically that’s what I told the teacher.  Of course she swears she would never say that to her and began to cry.  I thought are you kidding me!  The teacher goes on and on refusing to let me talk and bawling and then tells me its her birthday and she was having a good day until now.  Guilt trip anyone! ugh!

So I told her Jessi and I wanted  to meet with her to clear the air because Jessi is really upset about facing her again.  So I wanted to meet with her in the morning but she can’t do that, Jessi is going to have to find a way through her day. :(  I hope she makes it!!

I ended up hanging up the phone completely upset and confused about what to believe.  My daughter has lied before but this teacher has a reputation for not being very nice. Jessi and I talked a lot today and she is insistent she didn’t cheat on the test, she was copying homework but didn’t cheat on the test.  Since Jessi has been accused and admitted to cheating on the test she has to meet with the vice principal and is really freaked out about meeting with him. The world of the unknown is very scary for someone with anxiety!  I will have to let you all know what happens next.. Stay Tuned!  :)

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My Daughter and Anxiety…

Have you ever wondered, is my child really sick or do they have a serious case of anxiety?  

That is a question I have asked myself since my youngest daughter’s teacher called me today.  She believes that since my daughter received a Step on her Step Card for copying Math homework off a friend, that her anxiety is making her sick to her stomach.  My daughter has missed school this entire week due to a sick stomach.  She has actually been throwing up semi regularly for those three days.  Yesterday, she was fine all day and then when she ate dinner at her dads she got sick and came home early.  Her dad says to me that he isn’t sure she got sick at all and that she mentioned me picking her up by 2nd period today from school and when she got home she promptly asked me about that.  I told her we would see. 

Well this morning her very nice Math teacher called to discuss the incident on Friday with the copying of Math homework and punishment she received that  my daughter is scared to go back to school. She thinks the anxiety of it might make her ill.  A big bright light bulb went off in my head and I realized she is probably right. So my daughter just got up at 9:30 am and I have to talk to her about it. 

It’s this type of thing that makes me worry fully about her mental state. She takes meds for depression and it has helped her tremendously. I think this just shows her mental stability a bit is  questionable.  Not that kids don’t make themselves sick worrying about things but this has gone on since Sunday afternoon, it is now Wednesday! 

I’m not saying she needs more medication but it really tells me a lot about how her mind works. I need help her through this and recognize when she is torturing herself over nothing. We must really pay attention to the cues our kids give us even tho some of them are subtle. 

So off I go to talk to her and reassure her everything is fine at school, her teachers understand we all make mistakes and simply want her to learn from it!  Wish me luck!! :) 

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Deciding to Medicate my Child…

There are a lot of parents that don’t believe in medicating their children.  I am in two minds about it really.  I think it depends on the illness and what the side effects will be.  

Here is the scoop, when my daughter started having serious issues with her moods and anxiety I took her to a doctor.  Actually we went through several doctors before we trusted one to give us medicine for her.  They didn’t, right away, suggest medication, we wanted to make sure there really was something wrong and not that she was reacting to something we didn’t know etc.  

I was desperate to help her, she was so full of anxiety and getting more and more angry for no reason.  She seemed so unhappy and unable to control of her emotions.  We went to the doctor weekly and then he thought she might benefit from an anti-depressant.  Together over time we had decided she had some type of depression/anxiety disorder.   Nothing we tried worked for her so what choice did we have?? We talked to the doctor about what medication he may suggest and what the side effects were.  We wanted to give her as little as possible and the doctor agreed.  

We talked at length with the doctor about the possible side effects and once we started the medicine we kept in close touch with him, seeing him weekly and discussing all possible side effects.  

I had to ask myself, can she go on like this at this age?, she was 6.  She went from a happy child to a very emotional confused child. She was always sensitive but this was similar to what I imagined went on with me as a child and if you have read my other posts you know I was actively looking for a diagnosis and help for myself. I remembered as a child feeling so sad and not having any idea why, then it got to where I didn’t really feel much at all, I didn’t want that for her.  I swore my child would not suffer the life I did, the life of depression.  I knew this was likely to be more than a stage.  There are medications that I would not give a child due to the side effects I didn’t want her to lose her personality, you know the one underneath the over-emotional reactions. There are a lot of medicines that will just wipe out their personalities and I didn’t want that for her.   Really the anti-depressant didn’t frighten me too much but believe me you must keep a close eye on them and report any possible side effects.  As time went on and she developed more issues we had to once again weigh medications and whether it was worth the risks.  Lots of discussion about all the aspects of the medications and side effects and how much to give her.  Low dose was where we insisted we start!  The doctor is very conservative with the dosage and is very knowledgeable.  That doesn’t mean I didn’t go home and research it more before I filled the prescriptions.  We can’t be too careful with our still growing and developing children where medications are concerned.

I will suggest to anyone that is considering medications for a child to fully research all information on such medications and make sure you completely understand how it works and how it will affect them.  You can’t be too safe.

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Diagnosing my Daughter’s Symptoms…

Have you ever looked at your child and thought something is not right?  Well I had to do just that with my first child when she was around age 5… 

Like I said when my first child was about 5 yrs old, I realized that her moods and reactions toMy beautiful girl, My first born! things were not normal.  I would see her run inside from playing with friends and she would go to her bed and be pulling her hair out while saying she didn’t know why she was so mad.. Well at this point I knew something was wrong with me (although not what was wrong) so it wasn’t far off to think she would have issues as well.  I tried to work with her on it and nothing worked. :( It was so hard to see her be miserable she was losing all her friends and about to start Kindergarten and I knew this wasn’t getting better.  

So I focused on her and getting help for her…. All the while wondering what is going on in her brain.  She hated doctors she had been ill as a 3 yr old and stayed in the hospital a week and it wasn’t a decent experience for her.  She had also been diagnosed with a kidney reflux issue so she had to have tests done annually that were pretty traumatic for her.  

We went to many psychiatrists and some therapists looking for answers.  Why was my beautiful happy child so moody now and unhappy.  Why was she having fits of frustration over nothing and why was she having Night Terrors.  She has them for years she would be crying and screaming and running about the house but completely in her sleep and terrified!  It was impossible to wake her.  We would take her into the bathroom and turn on the light and talk to her and hold her till we could wake her.  That was terrible to see, but then it seemed to be happening to her in the day as well with these fits of frustration.  

Our experience with these so-called Doctors was not good.  They would label her just about anything to make us come back the next week… It was disappointing to say the least.  They would tell me she was afflicted with some disorder and order me to buy a book on it and I would and read it and know it was not what was wrong with her.  I couldn’t believe it not only are we putting out money for these doctors but we are buying books on an illness that she didn’t have ONE symptom from… grr its was frustrating. 

When she was 7 yrs old we went to see the doctor we have now, Dr S. is what we will call him.  Since I was in treatment as well I gave him my history and my family history and what was going on with my daughter.  He knew right away what it was, Bipolar2 disorder.  Heavily depressed and Hypo-manic highs, high levels of anger and anxiety etc.  Ok so now we know what it is, how do we treat it?  We started with meds right away.  I like him because even tho he is giving me medication for my child he tries small doses first as to not over medicate.  He does not want her overly medicated.  It took a year or more really to get her stabilizing but she was better able to deal with her feelings once we had some information on what it was.  She went to him once a week for some time till we had her leveled out.  We have then seen him once a month or on an as needed basis since then.  I am also now seeing him and so is her sister. (a whole other story in itself) 

This daughter of mine is now 15 yrs old.  She is brilliant, beautiful and capable of most things in life.  We have had our ups and down with Anxiety.  There were times that I couldn’t even take her to the store with out her freezing at the door and turning ghost white, she would then go on and on that she wanted to go home. Latched to my hand, tightly I might add, and quietly she would chant I want to go home, I want to go home over and over I would just keep her close and talk to her and once it got too bad we would leave.. then she would regain color in her face and be exhausted.   At this point those anxiety attacks are minimal most of the time she can handle it and function fine but when she can’t we try, then leave if needed.  She is learning more and more about her illness and how to cope and control some of it.  Obviously 15 yrs old means terrible attitude but we love her anyway.. LOL  

Her story is also one of Hope. She went from a disturbed child, who couldn’t concentrate in school to a beautiful teenager that has all A’s and B’s in Honor classes.  She works hard and is also learning to drive.  She excels at almost everything she does!  She is only missing the confidence she needs to exceed her own expectations.  We are working on it and she is improving.  

Well that’s my story in a nutshell there are obviously more incidences but generally this is how it all transpired..  

Remember:  When the World says Give Up,  Hope Whispers Try One More Time!! 

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Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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