Loneliness

Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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Info About my Bipolar Symptoms….

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

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Have you ever felt like someone or something else was in control of your actions?  Have you ever had,what I describe as ‘out of body’ Rages? 

I can tell you that I have and so many times over the years that I can’t remember them all.  Many times I knew I had been in a Rage but didn’t remember what I had done while in it.   Then there were times that I was so in a Rage that I felt as if I was floating above myself and watching me do these horribly mean things, mainly I said horrible stuff and was very scary!  These Rages started when I was about 19, I was always very depressed, emotional and had a feeling of an emotional tornado churning inside me.  That Tornado as I call it was Anger, Rage, Bipolar2 symptoms.

At the time I had no clue what was going on with me and I was really withdrawn from life, but I was determined to be part of life.  I wanted what everyone wanted a Family to love and Happiness!   I was like most people I thought something was going to MAKE  me HAPPY.  Until I was in my 40′s I had no idea it was up to me to just BE HAPPY.

Back to my symptoms from 19 yrs old on…  a touch of Agoraphobia, I absolutely couldn’t leave my apartment alone with out 45 min of pacing and crying and talking to myself.  It was a major fight, thankfully I am a determined person or I wouldn’t have gotten through that time.  I remember getting out of the house after my 45 min fight with unreasonable fears and I would head to the gas station and drive through it three times unable to stop.  The fear was crippling I would shake and tear up, it is overwhelming when this happens.  I was so angry with myself because why couldn’t I stop and get gas like everyone else? why must I have someone with me?? It made no sense to me!  OK, so you get the picture it was unbelievably exhausting.  You can imagine that affected me every time I had to leave the house except for work as my job was a safe haven for me.  There were many days I didn’t leave the house at all. 

Then there were the times that I would be with Tania and she would be laughing and happy and I would literally smack her.  It was so annoying but I had no idea why or have any control over it.  I smacked her face even in the hallways in high school because she was laughing and being loud.  It was strange to me and I had no idea why it kept happening.  Tania never even got mad at me she actually would laugh harder, and I would be crying because I felt horrible about it.  She loved me anyway tho even when I smacked her for no reason on more than one occasion.  Tania taught me a lot about love and acceptance.  

At night I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night.  I was super emotional I talked to myself, cried and yelled at my mom it was an emotional nightmare.  Years of pent-up emotions just flowed like a rushing river!  Honestly it was confusing to me but ended up being great therapy.  I worked hard to get through that time and kept challenging my fears by leaving the house.  The only thing I could think of, I really needed a doctor but had no insurance.

I also had an issue with sweating if I got nervous I would sweat off the top of my head and it dripped down my face and was super embarrassing.  It would make me flee where ever I was and want to hide.  If I didn’t by the time I left where I was my hair would be visibly WET.  Stuck down to my head like I had just gotten out of the shower.  I was so embarrassed! 

The level of depression was so deep that at the end of the day I was exhausted and could barely get up in the morning.  Depression just zaps all your energy and all your drive.  The overwhelming sadness and low energy with the unreasonable level of anxiety and fears is exhausting.

I have no idea how I kept up with fighting the fears with my depression so high but I kept fighting.  It’s so important to keep fighting whether you feel like you can or not.. Just fight it and then realize Happiness is a choice..

I know that sounds corny but it’s so true, I realized that as I stated in an  earlier post… when I was around 40, I heard this voice say to me HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE, JUST CHOOSE IT!  It was really strange to me but I was compelled by it.  With some work I began to realize that voice was right!! I had to change thought processes tell myself to stop saying bad things to myself but after some months or more I felt happy inside something I had never felt before!!  Then I realized good things started to happen around me.  I met a man who asked me out and we have dated for a year even tho I have been split from my husband since 2006, I didn’t date anyone till I met Carl in 2010…..

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Big Changes… A Hard Road to Navigate…

Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to  improve or survive life? 

I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives.  You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness.  6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life. 

I have had similar experiences with my father.  Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial.  I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way.   We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations!  I had to do what was right for my family.  

It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away.  Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me.  He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist. 

In the end, my husband cheated on me and  I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah.  Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house.  We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. :(  Devastating really.  It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt.  It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life. 

One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me.  Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness!  At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost.  There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!

I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids.  Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken.  The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart.   It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy!  Something I have never been in my entire life.  I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything.  He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year.  My girls even like him so that’s a plus!  

I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning.  I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it.  It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with  work and support from doctors and therapists.  There is help out there but you will have to go find it!! 

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Psychiatrist, Therapist… Oh My!

Loneliness (edit)

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Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands and can help you?? Doctors act like you are pretending and therapists just give bad advice?

This is how I was feeling when I left that psychiatrists office knowing  I would never go back… defeated, scared and exhausted!

Here I was  begging for help… and the doctors just wanted to bully me, I wasn’t standing for it.  Off I went looking for another psychiatrist, I saw many of them and it seemed useless thankfully I was determined to find out exactly what was going on with my brain!  It took months to find another doctor just to be disappointed again and go on another search. I was horrible my moods were all over the place I fought with anyone that would look at me cross-eyed or I would break down and bawl for no known reason.  My family was really struggling with me and with every doctor there was more disappointment and further depression.

I would rage about the littlest stuff, I would get angry with the kids and pull in the recycle bin and start adding their toys and books to the recycling. I had very little control and didn’t know what to do.  So many times I felt as if I was hovering above my body while i did these things, out-of-body experience while in a rage.  Frightening really!! Devastating to the kids and me!  I did have a neighbor that would see me do that and she would come take the kids for me so I could try to stop my fit… she was a god send!

This went on for years until I finally found a doctor.  He isn’t a personable man but he knows his stuff and he knew immediately how to handle our family.  He had treated my daughter for a year but I never thought to go to him myself.  Him treating me gave a big insight into what was going on with my daughter and allowed him to treat us both for what we actually suffer from, Bipolar 2 disorder!  Finally someone knew what was going on and how to handle it. It took 10 years to get things under control and there were serious ups and downs.

My relationship with my husband took a hard hit when I received my diagnosis, then began to spend hours on the computer learning and trying to understand this illness.  Entering chat rooms to hear what others were going through learning all the while so I could figure out how to help myself and my family.  He hated it, didn’t want me to spend the time on it.  When I would go to therapy and come home to talk to him about it he would get angry.  When we would argue he would say things to me like “did your therapist tell you that?”  It soon became clear he wasnt going to support my looking for help and I was on my own.  We grew apart I changed and he didn’t…..

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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Bipolar & Relationships…

Have you had BAD relationships that you stuck with for an unknown reason?  I have!  My now ex-husband is one of them.

 Let me explain a bit; When I met my now ex-husband, it was through my brother (older).  They kept telling me how nice he was and how his wife walked out on him for her boss.  They had a one year old son and I felt bad for them.  Anyway, I met him and we had awesome chemistry and soon, very soon, decided we were in love.  What I didn’t realize was that I needed to belong somewhere, needed someone to love and someone to love me, but he wasn’t the one. 

Wanting to belong, and be loved was because I didn’t love me or even know me.  All I knew was this bipolar mind but I didn’t know about my illness it was still untreated.  Our relationship was rocky to say the least. We had this pull between us to each other but we didn’t agree on much and my moods got worse and worse.  I would fly off the handle at every turn over stupid things, like leaving the toilet seat up or the lid off the tooth paste, you just never knew what was next.  He didn’t and I didn’t know.   His little boy was adorable but we fought about him a lot. I wanted more rules for him and he wanted none.   

We began to live with each other almost immediately 3 months of dating and we were living together.  Not the best idea!  We were needy people and were in love, so we thought.   Many times of moving out and moving back in after fights, always me moving out.  We would fight and I would get into a rage and break down emotionally at the same time and I would pack my stuff and leave. I don’t know how many times that happened, it was many. 

We decided to have our first child in 1994, we were not married but i had no desire for marriage.  She was born 12/30/1995,  it took us a bit to conceive her.  He had just had back surgery (2nd one) November 29, 1995.  At the time I worked full-time at an insurance agency and only had 6 weeks to stay home.  My ex had to care for our baby till she was almost 1, even though he was in pain constantly.  He began taking more pain pills than he should have, and got really nasty.  We fought and fought but got through that time and decided in late 1997 to have another child.  She was born 02/07/1999.  

Backing up a bit.. When my first daughter was born my depression plummeted.  I had such horrible depression and I didn’t understand why.  My moods were up and down and I went into rages a lot, sometimes several times a day.  After about 3 yrs I began to realize this was just getting worse. Nothing had improved and I found myself raging about her room being messed up and things that in the scheme of life meant nothing.  I had no control, I had what I call out-of-body rages.  It was like I was watching myself do these things from above.  I never hurt her except with words and fear of me.  I think that is just as bad though.   I hated it and I set off to look for help… 

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Beginning to Date at 19…

I think I have established my level of depression and I didn’t know myself or like what I new about me! My friend was really bugging me about dating, I was 19 and never been out on a date… “What do I have to offer?” I said to her. I remember her laughing at me, She laughed a lot! She told me I had a lot to offer and we laughed together, how else would I respond?

She fixes me up with this guy, just come over and have dinner with us and him. Can you say Nervous Wreck?! After some coaxing I went, liked the man and dated him a few more times. I wasn’t ready to be intimate with anyone, emotionally anyway, and that what he wanted, so we dated for a short time. I remember I had not returned his call one night. It was late I was asleep, living alone, and I wake up to a banging on my windows and door. Scared me to death! It was him, and he was yelling that I was not being truthful and I had been out that night because my car hood was warm… I had been out to the store earlier and drove around the freeway a bit. At this time I had so much pent-up anger and frustration that I used to go drive around the freeways at 90+ miles an hour to release those feelings. I had been our driving our highways letting off steam! I always said if a man scared me I would never see him again. End of that!

Driving in my car was the only place I felt comfortable! I would drive around at a fast speed, cry and talk to myself in trying to work through my feelings and confusion. This was the only way I could get this rage out that swirled inside me, although it was a temporary fix. Adrenalin Junkie you could say! Today I am grateful that I never hurt anyone or myself in those tirades of driving! Thank you Lord!

I would lay in bed at night crying and hitting the pillow hating the way I felt and unable to control my emotions. This time was difficult for me, all those pent-up emotions from childhood were at the surface and I couldn’t always control it. I hated my mother, yet loved her too. I had night mares of someone holding me down but no one was there. I would wake up and be unable to move or make a sound, this happened many times a night. Yet I would wake up in the morning, go to work and pretend all was OK. Did you ever wonder why can I put on the face all day long and the second I enter my apartment I lose control of every emotion? I have wondered that many times!

Back to dating… I met another guy through my friend again, he was a nice man but I had no idea how to relate to a man. My father was distant emotionally with us kids and although we went with him most weekends he always took us to parties and we would sit in the corner and watch him drink and making a fool of himself. So here I am on a date with a nice man, he was successful and had his own condominium but I couldn’t even talk to him. Had a blank mind the entire time I was with him. I actually slept over at his house, without being intimate and that was really helpful for me but I still couldn’t talk to him. We drank a lot together and his friends were always there. I was VERY against drugs of any form and I was at his house, for a 4th of July party, and the guests were out front smoking pot. That was it for me I left drunk off my butt and barely made it home. Thankfully he lived close by. I never saw him again, he would call and I would tell him I was busy or not answer. It made me sad really, I desperately wanted someone to care about me!

I continued drinking on my own, alone at home. My brother, who was older, would buy me Rum and I would mix it with soda. My drinking was getting worse and I wasn’t eating at all. I had my 20th birthday party and my mother ordered a stripped, how embarrassing was that? I was so drunk that night tho and everyone had a great time, but my drinking was getting worse….

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As my Depression Progressed…

As the years went on my depression and moodiness got increasingly worse. I continued to withdraw from everyone and everything. I would walk through the hallways at school looking at the ground and NOT interacting with anyone. I had some nice people reach out but by high school I was so withdrawn I was like a robot. I didn’t know how to deal with my depression, had no self-esteem and lived in fear. I was afraid of how I would react to anything so I didn’t react at all. Unfortunately when I did I would rage and cry all at the same time. There was an incident in my Spanish glass where a kid was banging an empty desk between us on the back of my chair. I asked him to stop several times but then I lost it… I actually got up screamed at him and threw the desk across the room. Thankfully I didn’t hit anyone. The teacher sent him to the office. I was an emotional disaster area. Kids continued to use that against me and pick on me, I absolutely despised school!

High school was the hardest years for me in school. I withdrew so much that if anyone I did know would call out my name in a hallway I would completely ignore it and walk faster to my next class. I didn’t go to the lunch area for lunch I went to my next class and sat by the door and did homework. The anxiety of my illness was too much to take in a large group of people.

Then my second year of high school my mother made me get a job. That was really difficult as I couldn’t go out of the house alone unless I was going to school. I had been given a car that year but I had to pay for the costs. I attempted looking for a job but I didn’t get anywhere I was too shy and anxiety ridden to impress anyone. My mother knew someone in a local mall that new the owner of an ice cream store and they helped me get a job. I got through the interview and he hired me. That was the end of the school year so I was able to work many hours. It was difficult but I began to realize work

Me on 15th birthday!

was a great thing. It helped me feel worth while. Not like a ‘normal’ person but it got easier and easier to go to work, yet I couldn’t get gas in my car with out someone going with me. I had such high anxiety! If I tried to go to the gas station alone I would drive by it many times then go home hoping I would run out of gas. I was able the next school year to take 2 work experience classes so I was out of school at noon and working till 11pm. I loved it!

My moodiness continued to increase. I didn’t have tolerance for immature people or for people making fun of others. After some time I earned a promotion to assistant manager at the ice cream store. We had some girls that worked their that would actually make fun of the mentally handicapped when they were in the store. It was horrible they did weird gesture right in front of them and it would set me off. I told them many times to stop. It wasn’t good for the business and it was wrong to make fun of a person with a disability. They persisted and this one girl was the worst one and I pulled her aside one day and told her to stop it. She went out and continued to do it and I call her over, she was still doing it and I lost it. I actually smacked her across her face! Don’t get me wrong she deserved it but you cannot do that to people, I just lost it.

My employer obviously had a stern talk with me and I cried the entire time. I could not control my emotions no matter how hard I tried. He did not fire me, thank goodness. I worked their for years, then my mother opened a cosmetics store in another mall not too far away… She wanted me to work with her but I had to interview with her current husband who was jerk. I given the job and worked for her for a couple of years. You can imagine the relationship with my mother as an employer was not easy. Well difficult to say the least…..

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School During those years…

OK I just covered basically through 4th grade on what my home life was like and such… I want to explain today what I went through in school,with other kids, as a depressed child.

I was bullied by every confident child in the school… OK maybe not all of them but a lot of them. From the time I was in 1st grade and walked to school I had problems with being bullied. I got chased home daily by a couple of boys that would push me, smack me, poke me, and say really nasty things to me. It was so awful and I couldn’t figure out what I did to deserve it. Then one day I snapped, when one of the boys pushed me I stood up went directly to him and kicked him in his privates, hard. So I went home and told my mom and next thing I know the principle is calling. They were going to punish me for standing up to these boys that had bullied me for the school year. My mother had reported the issue to the principle before so she put him in his place, and I wasn’t punished just reprimanded. This type of thing went on through my schooling different kids and different schools but the same treatment.

These kids that are naturally bullies seem to have a knack for choosing the emotionally week kids to pick on. It is so hurtful to your self-worth and just made my depression worse. I did learn to stand up for myself more but always feared getting in trouble. I wanted people to like me so badly, but felt so worthless. Depression makes you feel so lost and different from others. I carried anxiety and fear with me every where I went. I was one of those kids that rarely spoke and always looks down when you are walking.

In these years, 3rd, 4th and 5th grade, I began to withdraw. I had less and less friends and just wanted to be left alone. Hated school, was gaining weight and getting made fun of by, what seemed at the time, everyone. The anger in me and that tornado of anxiety, fear and rage was growing and I would start to react strangely. Typically with Anger or Emotions, there were times my emotions were so out of control that I cried almost non-stop.

This wasn’t necessarily because of the way I was bullied but the way I interpreted my treatment by everyone in my life. Depression is like seeing the world through negative, dark foggy lenses. You really don’t see anything like others do, not at this age with the depression I had. My mother actually recognized that things weren’t good for me and I began having troubles breathing, Panic attacks I believe, so she took me to doctors but they couldn’t find anything wrong and it wasn’t alright then to discuss depression in a child. Thankfully for my children that has changed in our society, my girls both have inherited depression issues. I am more easily able to get them help since I have done research and found an excellent doctor to care for us all.. But once again I will talk about that later in my posts….

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Life as a Depressed Child…

Alright, I have caught you up on my Mother, who raised me. Thinking back my mother had severe depression, just like me! I want to be clear we actually had a good life outside of the emotional issues that were dragging us all down. We had pets and the general things kids need.

My depression started very young and it just grew and grew! I remember wanting to commit suicide, I was in the 4th grade, my friend knew I was really unhappy and I ended up telling her how I felt. I hated the way I was feeling but I felt ending my life would give me the relief I so desperately wanted. Depression fogged my mind so I couldn’t see beyond the darkness! We had moved many times and I never had friends due to my low self-esteem, but this year I had

Stephanie my life saver, this is her!

this terrific friend, Stephanie. Stephanie saved my life that year by caring about me, showing me I was lovable and could be cared about. After that I never considered suicide again, it just isn’t an option! (If you feel suicidal please talk to a good friend, call a doctor or a hotline. There are caring people who want to help simply look in your local phone book or search the internet for your local suicide hotline)

At about this age I began putting on weight. My mother really harped on my weight but that made me eat more, sneak food when she wasn’t looking. I had absolutely NO control over my emotional eating and I continued to put on weight. When I felt life was hopeless I would go out to the horses and sit in their corals with them. I talked to the horses and hugged on them, fed them grains and treats like sugar cubes. It made me feel better every time but it was short-lived. As I continued to gain weight I had to start wearing women’s sizes, that made me feel different from other kids. I couldn’t get the styles everyone was wearing and things just didn’t fit me right, and I already felt different from every one.

Every year I gained more weight, my self-esteem continued to plummet and I began feeling angry. The only way I could describe it was like a tornado of anger inside me constantly swirling. I could get no relief! I began to lash out often, and was on my moms bad side all the time! Never a good place to be believe me! I began hiding from my mom by sitting in the chicken coop or in the stalls with the horses so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I spent many hours with my pets crying.

Then about 5th grade I began stealing cigarettes from my mom’s purse, and would sneak out into the field behind our home and smoke. Contractors were building homes in the field and for a long time they had deep ditches for the pipes to go in and I would hide in those. I thought maybe the cigarettes would help me feel better about myself. I know a child’s mind is a strange place, especially a depressed child. Honestly that’s what I thought would make me feel better and I was rebelling. I also started experimenting with a bit of alcohol I would sneak out of the house but I didn’t like that thank goodness.

There were times I would go to my dad’s for the weekend and I would come home to my room completely torn apart by my mother. Every drawer would be removed from my dresser and dumped in the middle of the room. Every item from my closet would be in that same pile on the floor, and my bed would be turned over then placed on top of the pile.

I am mentioning this because my mother was ill, she didn’t know it but she raged out of control often. These are symptoms of depression and I’m hoping to help people understand mental illness better. I’m honestly not whining about the abuse we suffered by the hand of my mother, I am over that and I accept her for who she is and know she did her best with us kids. She worked very hard all our lives. We turned out good so she must have done something right! These behaviors of my mothers were what I would swear every time they happened I would never treat my children the way I was, but you will hear about that later…

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The beginning…

I’m going to start back when I was really young.  My parents divorced when I was around 3 yrs old… All I remember of them being together is the fighting they did at night while we were in bed.  Yelling and screaming, it just seemed to go on and on…  Then they separated and our lives were changed.

My mother dated many men… most of which cheated on her and kept her in upheaval at all times.  We used to actually go in a camper and follow them around at night so she could catch them cheating.  I remember being in the camper on the upper bed above the cab and peeking out the window to see what was happening.  At that point I hated life I had what I believe now to be panic attacks due to the stress.

My mother was emotionally a mess at all times.  She yelled a lot and made us do lots of work in the house and she hit us when she was angry.  She never injured us physically!  Emotionally on the other hand she had a way with words that could cut to the bone!  An example would be when she took us into her work to pick up paychecks, she would tell everyone how great we were and how much she loved us, how proud of us she was… then in the parking lot on the way to the car she would say horrible things to us and tell us she was embarrassed by us, she had to lie to people and how dare we put her in that place, we were useless and so on…  I assume this behavior is from her life as an abused child.  I can tell you it hurt me so deeply that from those days on I had NO self-esteem and life was a major struggle.  I was already feeling down but I didn’t understand those feelings.  I’m not trying to base on my mom as she really did her best and she did love us, we just didn’t feel it.

A few years later, maybe 5 yrs, we were living with a man who my mother was crazy in love with and we could not stand.  He was not a nice guy.  One weekend she left to go to Las Vegas with him and when she returned she announced they had married.  What a blow, we were so upset and disappointed.  From there it was a life of stress, anger and upset.  This man cheated on her time and time again and people told her he was no good but she didn’t believe it.  Even though we followed him around town and watched him meet up with women…  My mother lived in a bit of a La La land, that’s what I called it.  So you can imagine my mother who has severe depression and isn’t in a habit of being nice, began to remain in this state of stress and anger.  She worked several jobs off and on and had one main job all the time, while her husband pretended to go to work…..

She lost a tremendous amount of weight and it really concerned me and my brother. She got down to a size 0 and then she started buying pants in the kid section. She was so moody and so angry all the time.  We found solace in our animals, horses, dogs, cats, turkeys, chickens, goats, a donkey etc…..  Thank goodness for the animals!…….. 

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Why am I here??

Hello Everyone!!

I am here because since I was a child I have struggled with severe depression.  I lived with a mother that had similar issues and was really moody, you never knew what was gonna happen next.  She was very hard on me and my brother, she could really cut you to the bone with a few words.  We grew up thinking we were horrible kids and that we made her life miserable.  It really wasn’t us at all, there were several factors to her being out of control.  Bad relationships (one after another), working several jobs at one time, taking care of both me and my brother, a husband and his two kids.  Managing a home with large animals, example  Horses, Cows, Goats, you name it we had it, but I think most of all it was the abuse she suffered as a child and her depression.

I am hoping that my summary of my life is helpful to others who may be suffering the same type of life and the same type of illness.  In my 30′s I was diagnosed Bipolar 2!  Yes I said in my thirties but it all began many many years earlier.  As far back as I can remember I was depressed, didn’t know why I was here and living.  It was after I had my first child I knew something was wrong this behavior wasn’t who I really was inside.  I was not going to do to my children what my mother did to me… so off I went looking for help from my doctor…

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