Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person?
Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens. I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now.
As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed…
In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened. So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further.
This was the aftermath every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk. Every day I withdrew more and more..
There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.
Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable. You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time. You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life? What is wrong with me? Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am??? Am I a Bitch like everyone says? I don’t feel like that person but I am?? I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way.
Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly. Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse! All I could do was withdraw and over react! I was known as the crazy bitch!
As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch. This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable. I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out. I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!
I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of HOPE! Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside. Develop that person in any way you can!!