I just wanted to take a minute to talk about anxiety that I experience and have experienced in the past. About 20 to 25 years ago I had severe anxiety along with depression.
My symptoms of anxiety were pretty severe for many years. When I began to drive it was hard for me as I couldn’t go get gas without someone going with me. I would go try to get gas and I would drive right through the gas station and head back home. I started asking people to go with me as my anxiety was so severe I would end up in tears and shaking just trying to go to the gas station and I couldn’t get out of the car to pump the gas. I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t do it. That applied to really anything I had to do like go to the store or drive somewhere I had never been before. I spent years not driving on the freeway as my anxiety would be triggered.
My depression unfortunately coupled with the anxiety didn’t make anything easy. I really had very few friends, just a couple acquaintances and it wasn’t easy to ask them to help me. I was withdrawn and socially inept at that time of my life. I felt unloved and useless. I was bullied at school because I was different from everyone else and didn’t socialize.
My anxiety caused, and at times still causes, me to sweat from my head. It is horrible, if my anxiety goes up I immediately begin to sweat and it drips down my face into my eyes etc… It is quite embarrassing! There are times that when I have to go somewhere I am nervous about or haven’t been to before I take a paper towel folded up in my hand to help absorb the sweat. Can you just see me at a job interview sweating and wiping my for head and face with a paper towel to stop it from dripping all over me. It can get so bad that it drips from my face to my clothing and leaves wet drops. Sometimes you just have to laugh.
The sweating isn’t the only symptom but it is the one others see pretty clearly. I also get shaky and can’t think well and stumble on my words. I talk super fast and say way more than I need to. I get blotchy coloring on my chest and arms and hands.
My current symptoms are much more stable but I still have these same feelings. I have developed strategies to get past them, most of the time. but I do still have serious issues going anywhere alone or anywhere I have not been before. I try to remember to talk to myself about how I am feeling and continue to tell myself there is no reason for these fears and that I can do this. No one else is going to know what is going on inside my head. There are still times I just can’t go. My kids get frustrated because they know it’s not a big deal but there are days I just have to say I’m not up to it.
I have a lot of ups and downs but like the last post I wrote, Bipolar or Clairsentience or Both?, I am not sure it is all 100% Bipolar disorder. I think its possible that Clairsentience might be part of the issue. I really want to learn more about it and how it might tie to my symptoms. How can I control it or develop it so I can control it. If I learned to control it could my symptoms actually go away? Maybe I just want to think it is something that could be fixed. I have fully accepted the Bipolar II Diagnosis till now, I am not fully doubting it but I do wonder.
I decided I am going to do a series of posts about Clairsentience and Clairvoyance in my process of learning. I hope you all enjoy those posts I will have one a week likely on Thursdays.
Thank you all for your continued support you are amazing!