I just wanted to take a minute to talk about anxiety that I experience and have experienced in the past. About 20 to 25 years ago I had severe anxiety along with depression.
My symptoms of anxiety were pretty severe for many years. When I began to drive it was hard for me as I couldn’t go get gas without someone going with me. I would go try to get gas and I would drive right through the gas station and head back home. I started asking people to go with me as my anxiety was so severe I would end up in tears and shaking just trying to go to the gas station and I couldn’t get out of the car to pump the gas. I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t do it. That applied to really anything I had to do like go to the store or drive somewhere I had never been before. I spent years not driving on the freeway as my anxiety would be triggered.
My depression unfortunately coupled with the anxiety didn’t make anything easy. I really had very few friends, just a couple acquaintances and it wasn’t easy to ask them to help me. I was withdrawn and socially inept at that time of my life. I felt unloved and useless. I was bullied at school because I was different from everyone else and didn’t socialize.
My anxiety caused, and at times still causes, me to sweat from my head. It is horrible, if my anxiety goes up I immediately begin to sweat and it drips down my face into my eyes etc… It is quite embarrassing! There are times that when I have to go somewhere I am nervous about or haven’t been to before I take a paper towel folded up in my hand to help absorb the sweat. Can you just see me at a job interview sweating and wiping my for head and face with a paper towel to stop it from dripping all over me. It can get so bad that it drips from my face to my clothing and leaves wet drops. :) Sometimes you just have to laugh.
The sweating isn’t the only symptom but it is the one others see pretty clearly. I also get shaky and can’t think well and stumble on my words. I talk super fast and say way more than I need to. I get blotchy coloring on my chest and arms and hands.
My current symptoms are much more stable but I still have these same feelings. I have developed strategies to get past them, most of the time. but I do still have serious issues going anywhere alone or anywhere I have not been before. I try to remember to talk to myself about how I am feeling and continue to tell myself there is no reason for these fears and that I can do this. No one else is going to know what is going on inside my head. There are still times I just can’t go. My kids get frustrated because they know it’s not a big deal but there are days I just have to say I’m not up to it.
I have a lot of ups and downs but like the last post I wrote, Bipolar or Clairsentience or Both?, I am not sure it is all 100% Bipolar disorder. I think its possible that Clairsentience might be part of the issue. I really want to learn more about it and how it might tie to my symptoms. How can I control it or develop it so I can control it. If I learned to control it could my symptoms actually go away? Maybe I just want to think it is something that could be fixed. I have fully accepted the Bipolar II Diagnosis till now, I am not fully doubting it but I do wonder.
I decided I am going to do a series of posts about Clairsentience and Clairvoyance in my process of learning. I hope you all enjoy those posts I will have one a week likely on Thursdays.
Thank you all for your continued support you are amazing!