Monthly Archives: December 2011

I got a blog award…

One of my fellow bloggers has nominated me for a new blog award, The Versatile Blogger!!  I am very appreciative of this award. This person has a great blog called:  Halfway Between The Gutter and The Stars . I suggest you ALL go see the blog.  Thank you so much for blessing me with this award!! 

The Rules are:

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

7 Things about myself

1.  I take 6 pills a day to control my moods, depression and anxiety. Decreased from 8 pills recently. :)

2.  I have two teenage Girls, that I adore.  Today is my oldest daughter’s  sweet 16  birthday!! 12/30

3.  I have 2 guinea pigs as pets.. They are adorable squeaky little guys!

4.  I am an ex smoker, Smoked when I was younger prior to having kids. I quit cold turkey   smoked the last one in the pack and never bought another. I still want one when I drink.. :(

5.  My drink of choice is beer.. or margaritas :)   Two margaritas and Im under the table or sick!  Takes a lot more beer to make me sick than margaritas! lol

6.  I’m divorced, in a relationship and super happy with it!! I have never felt so free and equal in a relationship.  I have never been this comfortable with a man or anyone before!

7.  I am partner on a website (LeanOnUs.co), where we are reaching out to provide a safe haven for anyone in need of a little support or friendship. Plus we have a ton of info on there to help people out!

I nominate the following blogs for the Versatile Blogger award:

1.   Angela Dobbins

2.   Jason Bourne

3.   Kathleen Freeman

4.   Prudence Mac Leod

5.   UnderNeathMyMask

6.    LeanOnUs.co Community blog/ Simon Palmer author

7.    Bullied No More

8.    Pamela Howes

9.    What Jean Likes

10.  Michael – Have a Dream

11.   Bipolar Girl82

12.  Paul Hurwood

13.  Natasha McNeely’s Guide to The Beyond

14.  Fiona - TheAgoraPhobicBlog

15.   The Bipolar Project

I have chosen these blogs for different reasons but I appreciate their blogs and enjoy reading them!! They all have a great purpose!!  Thank you all for sharing your blogs with us!

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A Sweet 16 for a sweet girl…

My first-born child turns 16 years old tomorrow, December 30th 2011.  Birthday cake

I can hardly believe it, she has grown into this terrific young woman. She is smart, thoughtful and beautiful in every way. Her talents are amazing and I’m so very proud of her!

As you know she has had some seriously hurtful issues that are still unresolved, but she carries on like a true Champ!  She has a party tomorrow evening that her grandfather is paying for, he got her a limo and is taking her to a restaurant with her friends for dinner then cruising afterward.

She has a hard time accepting nice gestures from men but she was so appreciative when my dad offered to do this for her 16th birthday, she told him he had to ride in the limo with her and her friends and must have dinner with them all.  Her grandfather is so excited about it he is like a kid…

This is the first real birthday party she has had in years and never has had a party on her actual birthday due to it falling during the holidays!  Anyway, Im super excited and Hope my baby had a great birthday!

Happy Birthday Samantha, I love you more than I can say!! You deserve the best! 

My beautiful girl, My first born!

This is Samantha many years ago!! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Birthday cake Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net - digitalart‘s portfolio is:

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2280

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Thinking and Thinking… Just Thoughts?

♥ ♥ This evening I realized I have been thinking a lot lately…  What does this mean to me? 

This thinking could mean several things! I noticed that I am feeling down and thinking about different things in my life.  Is this a new episode of Depression? Is this just the time of year? Am I feeling like I am missing something in my life? Is there something more 

I can do for others? Am I letting anyone down? Am I letting myself down in some way? 

Honestly I’m not sure the answer to any of those questions! I just know I am thinking and wondering many different things. I pray that I am not falling into a Depression that will affect the people around me negatively. Don’t get me wrong I am happy in my life, things have improved so much over the past month within my mind, but it leaves me wondering whats the next mood going to be.

Did I stabilize or did I just shift moods? 

This is a question I ask myself often in my life, why? Because if I don’t who will?  I am in control and have to stay that way, its part of my daily work to live “normally”.  Part of my daily work to have life “normal” for my kids and those around me!  I’m not sure how many of you realize that we who have mental illness work hard everyday to control the part of our brains that don’t work “normally”.  It’s exhausting work sometimes.. well all the time.  It is part of our daily lives and the effort it takes to constantly study our reactions, behaviors, feelings, choices etc is immense. Are we always successful?  No of course we aren’t but we are harder on our selves when we don’t than any person with a “normal” functioning brain would ever dream of.. 

We are deeply caring and intuitive people usually.  We aren’t dumb in any way, we are typically quite intelligent.  I am more intuitive and giving than book smart but I feel deeply, deeper than anyone I know. I have this empathy for people which tunes into how people feel and it’s exhausting sometimes. My emotions are high at all times!  Yet I have to work to control every possible thing I can within myself and my Bipolar symptoms! 

Anyway you can see that I am spending a good part of my energy thinking lately! I have been so busy with the kids and the holidays and I haven’t had the time I need online. I am trying not to stress about it but stress is what I do! :) 

Really I think I just wanted to give you insight into how things are for me where my mind is and my attempt at “normal” life! 

“Success in life comes to those who simply refuse to give up; individuals with vision so strong that obstacles, failure and loss only act as teachings.” 
Silken Laumann

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato 

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” George Bernard Shaw 

 

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Our Week Long Visitor…

♥♥Just some thoughts I will share… 

I found out fathers day of 2006 my husband was cheating on me… long story short after several months I realized we couldn’t stay together, and I moved out! 

Many years have gone by and I didn’t date any one till September 2010 when Carl asked me out!  He always seemed like a nice man and I didn’t hesitate to go out with him.  He used to be my neighbor at my first apartment but we never really spoke and didn’t get to know each other.  

We have had a night here and there where he stayed over but the week before Christmas this year he stayed over the entire week because his parents were in town and staying at his house. He wanted them to be comfortable so he stayed here with us. 

Anyway… I really enjoyed him being here… Its been such a long time since we have had a man in the house.  Certainly was an adjustment for the kids as being all girls in the house they tend to walk around half-naked all the time.  lol :)  

Carl just fits in so nicely.. We do embarrass him sometimes with the way we talk but he always laughs and we all got along really well.  It’s nice that the kids really like him and are as comfortable with him as I am.

 I just remember being devastated that my husband was cheating and that our life together was over, I was lost and broken…Carl was always friendly even when I was not and  was in my own little world of misery. I never realized Carl had any interest in me and went on oblivious until years later when he approached me.  His timing couldn’t have been better because even tho my ex and I split in 2006 we didn’t divorce till 2009 and it was 2 days before I went to court for the first time and Carl asked me out! It was the boost I needed and I was ready for it at that point. 

Our relationship has been easy so far and I know it wont always be that way and I really have no idea where it’s going but I like it the way it is and was really happy to have him close to me this past week.  He is a special guy and I hope that he is happy with me too!! 

This is just another way of giving you all hope… I spent 17 years with my ex and I felt like my life was over but it really has just begun and Carl has shown me that!!  Remember, what you put out you get back.. Choose to be happy and happiness will come to you… 

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Christmas Day and Family Visits Done…

Merry Christmas to those  of you who celebrate it!  Hope everyone had a great Happy Holidays to all!!day filled with Love and Joy!! 

Today was a busy day… Got up early my mom stayed the night and my dad got here at 7am. The Kids opened presents we made breakfast and hung out with Carl, My mom, my dad and the kids. 

9:30 am in the shower and by 11am out the door to Carl’s family’s house, about 2 hours up the freeway.  It was nice to meet a bit more of his family and hang out a few hours with his parents, his niece and her children.  Opened gifts and ate enchiladas and spicy bean soup. It was great!!  His family is so different from mine they are quiet and laid back, where my family is stressed and loud. LOL  

Unfortunately, I got sick a couple of days ago so Christmas Eve day and Christmas Eve I was not feeling well but we had a nice time at my brothers then came home to visit with my mom and Carl. Then some cold medicine and some much-needed sleep. Woke this Morning in a panic realizing I forgot to put the kids stockings together.. ugh  So 5:30am I was up and making stockings. haha

This year was great because Carl was staying with us as his parents are staying at his house in his room.  It was special to have him here in the Morning for Christmas, really made it nice! 

No real Family Drama??  I know that’s what I was thinking, NO WAY!!  haha  Nope there was no drama that I noticed we had a great holiday!  It really helped that I had thought about the Family drama stuff the other day and decided I wasn’t on the look out for it!  If there was drama I simply didn’t notice because I wasn’t paying attention to it! 

I must say I’m exhausted, as usual after Christmas, I’m so happy with how the holiday went… felt a bit more like a normal family!  

Can’t wait for the New Year and of course my oldest daughters 16th birthday on the 30th of December!!  Limo and dinner for her and her friends I’m so excited!!!

♥Merry Christmas and May the season bring  Love and Joy to your hearts! ♥

Image: duron123 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net Portfolio at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3506

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Family Drama and The Holidays…

Happy Holidays Everyone! 

I just wanted to say to everyone, Happy Holidays and may the new year bring you joy and happiness beyond belief! 

I have thought lately and I realize how stressful the holidays are for almost everyone. Some of us have a harder time with it as the extra money spent and the extra stress of the rush can really get to us.  I lately have had a few moody moments that have surprised me but I think we all need to slow down and realize the Holidays are about family, love and being together, it’s not the gifts or the food it’s really connecting with those we love.

Unfortunately, that also comes with Family Drama!! Our family has quite the Drama filled holidays usually and its pretty stressful. I am making the choice this year to just enjoy it, drama and all!! 

We have been invited to go with Carl (my Boyfriend) to his families for this holiday and I am pretty excited to meet some of his family.  They do not live locally so I haven’t met anyone but his parents and obviously his son! It kind of tells me a bit how he feels about us not that I doubt he cares. He is a great guy full of love, giving heart and I truly enjoy the time we spend together. 

This years holidays are truly special for me and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.  I just have to choose to be happy no matter what is going on around me and I don’t have to react to the drama I can just giggle and leave it at that .. Several deep breaths and some wine should help with that.. haha :) 

May your heart be filled with love and joy always! 

Image: duron123 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net Portfolio at http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3506

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Great People, Thoughtful and Supportive! ♥♥♥

Jason at Jason’s Spina Bifida Journey wrote the sweetest editors note on a post of mine he re-posted.  This is a great blog and a great guy. He is inspiring and a great friend to all!! Please go see his blog.. I will have more on Jason and his Journey with Spina Bifida in the near future so look for it soon!  

I am taking it upon myself to post this note here on my blog.  Thank you Jason for your kindness and support!!

The Love of a Mother

 Editor’s Note: This post first appeared on Shauna Smith’s blog, bipolar2happiness.com, and she has graciously allowed me to re-publish it to my blog. I’ve featured Shauna on my blog before, and also featured her co-owner of LeanOnUs.co, Sonya Palasiuk, discussing how the idea of LeanOnUs came about. Sonya and Shauna are two of the sweetest, most caring, greatest people I’ve met on Twitter and I can never thank them enough for their support with the blog and being there for me when I’ve had a rough time. Thanks Shauna and Sonya!! I love you.
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The Love of a Mother…

My girls mean the world to me.  I have watched them grow into these beautiful young women.  I don’t mean beautiful in just the way they look, I mean they are beautiful people inside.

Thoughtful, caring, moral and real is just a few ways to describe my girls. I am very proud of who they strive to be, how much they care for others and how they don’t always think of themselves first.  They are not perfect, they make mistakes, they are teenagers so attitude is just part of life now but they are loving people even when they are trying not to be. lol :)

I have tried to teach them to respect themselves and even tho my oldest is struggling with this due to her lack of confidence, I do believe they will respect themselves as adults and need others do the same. My oldest especially since she requires that from her father even though she doesn’t get the respect she deserves as  a person from him!

My oldest is smart, beautiful, sensitive, caring, thoughtful and very capable of anything she wishes in life. She suffers with Bipolar2 Disorder just like I do but she has been treated since she was young and I believe it will not keep her from being a very successful woman! I believe she will end up in a field that helps others. She is excited about the prospect of driving and getting a job. I believe a job would do wonders for her confidence level!  She is creative and a bit artsy!  She is full of anxiety at times but doesn’t let it cripple her!  She is still a bit shy but that has improved every year. She is amazing to me and deserves the best out of life!

My youngest is a complete opposite of my oldest, from their looks to their personalities! She is full of energy, never stops moving and talking.  She is a smart girl but things don’t come easy for her in school like my oldest. She works hard and gets great grades. She has a serious Anxiety issue developing and suffers with depression. She has been treated for a couple of years now for the depression but the anxiety, although it has always been there, has developed into a disorder lately! She is confident and outgoing and a social butterfly.  She is starting to have boyfriends and, as I have always known, will be a teenager to keep an eye on. lol She is very capable, thoughtful, caring, has tons of friends and feels bad when she does something wrong. She is a people pleaser!  She strives to be a good person and therefore she is! She loves and accepts people for who they are, although she is easily hurt by others it doesn’t keep her from moving forward. Just like my oldest she is amazing.  She is a terrific person and a beautiful girl! I couldn’t be more proud of her!

I love my girls with all my heart and have always tried to think of them as PEOPLE, they are not just kids they are small adults in the making and they deserve respect and caring.  I find so many parents treat kids as if they really aren’t people they just want to rule them and that isn’t healthy for any child! We are here to correct them and teach them but we don’t rule them, they have their own feelings and although we may not always agree with the way they feel they deserve to be respected and treated fairly.  We must as parents take their feelings into consideration when we make decisions in our lives. Every move we make affects them and it is our job to consider them as well!

We should know them well enough to know how our decisions will affect them and consider that every time we change something in our lives. I believe honesty is the most important thing in your relationship with your kids. How do we teach them to be open and honest yet lie to them about things in their lives. It doesn’t work that way! 

I love my girls and I hope that they always remember that no matter what happens in their lives! 

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                                           

 digitalart’s portfolio is:  
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Mom and daughter hugging a heart

Image: digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net


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Ashamed of Seeing a Shrink???

I have met a  person on twitter who suffers terribly from depression etc.  She is a great person and she recently posted about NOT being ashamed of seeing a shrink.  I am sharing the link to her post because EVERYONE needs to realize a mental ILLNESS is just that, an ILLNESS.  

It is not a choice, we are not lazy, overly sensitive or just different or looking for attention! We are ILL and should NEVER be shamed for it by anyone! If you don’t believe in mental ILLNESS you are simply IGNORANT!  Please check out her blog but know that she is real and some of what she posts is difficult to read.  If you want to understand mental illness and how it affects a life you must read her blog. 

 

Now Go and Learn about Real Suffering and the fight to live with Mental Illness… 

Rethink Mental Illness

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Thoughts about my Childhood Relationship with my Father…

Tonight I am thinking about the difficult relationship I had with my father when I was my daughters ages. By age of 16 I no longer saw him and really resented that he was never there for us, or never present. 

Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 The last two days have been extremely trying with my teenage girls and their father. Their father tends to return them to my house and  refuse to answer their calls and texts when they do something  wrong but then he blames me for turning them against him and not  letting them come with him… Yep sounds a bit nuts doesn’t it?? I  think it is nuts!!  How am I responsible for not making them go with  their father when he refuses to come get them and drops them back  home when they are nasty to him and he doesn’t want to deal with it.  I don’t know why he thinks I enjoy dealing with it but he keeps doing  it. 

Then he texts me that it’s horrible I have turned the girls against him and refuse to make them go with him and he is taking me back to court etc.. I’m usually dumb founded by these contacts from him but whatever.. Anyway, all this crap has made me think about the difficult relationship I had with my father and what that role may have played with me picking my now ex-husband to have children with… hmmm right? 

Lets compare them… 

  • Both Hunters 
  • Both unhappy people 
  • Both suffer from depression and other issues
  • Both are drinkers 
  • Both are very selfish 
  • Neither of them seem to have any parenting skills
  • Neither seem able to truly love another person and put them first
  • Neither can communicate successfully in relationships
  • Both opinionated and always right 
  • Both rarely take responsibility for their life choices
  • Neither are willing to deal with difficult subjects 
  • Both made their wives/ex-wives raise the children alone (even when still together)
  • Both were angry about paying child support and give as little as possible 
  • Both tend to lie to make themselves look better to others 
  • Both Blame others for their life issues 
  • Both were controlling as husbands although in different ways
  • Both were more concerned with what they want in life and not what is best for their kids 

I think I married my father… :( Is that possible after years of struggling for his attention and wanting a relationship with him. Did I actually pick someone just like him??

I had so many dreams for my girls and their relationship with their father. I was sure he would be a good dad even though I raised his son, that was 1-year-old when we got together. I don’t know what I was thinking I really thought he loved his son completely and was a good dad, but when I look back that’s not what I see.  Hind site is truly 20/20!! 

I have come to believe I chose this man because I still wanted approval from my father (any man works at that stage) that I never got and never will get! I wish at 19 years old we had a Quarter of the sense we have at 40 years old! Would have saved a lot of unhappiness!! 

I am happy to be free of that unhealthy relationship but I didn’t realize my girls have that same unhealthy relationship with their father that I did. Why? Because of the person he is and always will be. It is sad! :( 

The father daughter relationship (in my opinion) sets the stage for every relationship a girl has with a man. I’m so glad I have finally learned to accept who people are, respect myself and they must respect me as well! :) 

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“The wise man must remember that while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future.”         Herbert Spencer quotes (British social Philosopher, 1820-1903)

photostock‘s portfolio is:

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Dinner Out and Anxiety…

Have you ever seen an adult or child out in a Public place with a blank stare, staring straight forward and looking really unhappy? They have that look like they are trying to disappear into the back ground and they don’t make eye contact at all. 

That was my daughter this last Friday night when we went to dinner with some friends.  Unfortunately the restaurant choice was a noisy, crazy, fun and somewhat obnoxious place.  It is a fun place but my daughter, who is 15, has serious anxiety and is Bipolar2, couldn’t take it.

Of course all the adults in the area kept trying to talk to her and the waiter was down right picking at her because she was so blank.  Really, she was petrified and every person that insisted on talking to her and trying to make her smile made it ten times worse but how do you tell people to stop with out embarrassing her? I have never over the past 10 years had any way to tell people to stop with out it being an issue and them wanting further explanation.  If you explain its anxiety they don’t understand and want more information, which turns into a full discussion and embarrasses her. :(

So on this occasion I decided to start the fun.  I picked up a napkin, wadded it up and threw it at my other daughter.  See this restaurant you throw napkins around and do whatever make a huge mess. That started everyone at the table throwing napkins at each other and then expanded to the other people seated in the area.  Before I knew it the entire room was throwing napkins and wearing funny paper hats the waiters were making for them. The waiters and waitresses were throwing entire packages of napkins into the air and they were falling like large snow flakes. It was a ton of fun.

But there was my daughter still sitting in the same place with a blank look on her face and now she is annoyed as she has no tolerance for fun silly stuff when she feels that way.  At least not everyone was watching her and wondering what was wrong and there were no conversations on the fact that she has terrible anxiety and has since she was 5.

I just try to talk to her and keep her present and calm but she didn’t even eat dinner we took her meal home, she just couldn’t do it!  When we got home she was exhausted, that is what that type of anxiety will do to you.  She went straight to bed and slept late the next day! 

I hope that if you see anyone this uncomfortable you won’t keep at them if they don’t respond. I completely understand why people  talk to her at first because they want to help but when she doesn’t respond I wish people would let her be.  If there was something to be done to help her I would have already done it!! :)  

Information

This is a link to NIMH statistics on anxiety in children http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYANX_child.shtml

Facts & Statistics From Anxiety Disorders Association of America 

 Did You Know?
  • Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older (18% of U.S. population).
  • Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, yet only about one-third of those suffering receive treatment.
  • Anxiety disorders cost the U.S. more than $42 billion a year, almost one-third of the country’s $148 billion total mental health bill, according to “The Economic Burden of Anxiety Disorders,” a study commissioned by ADAA (The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry,60(7), July 1999).
    •  More than $22.84 billion of those costs are associated with the repeated use of health care services; people with anxiety disorders seek relief for symptoms that mimic physical illnesses.
  • People with an anxiety disorder are three to five times more likely to go to the doctor and six times more likely to be hospitalized for psychiatric disorders than those who do not suffer from anxiety disorders.
  • Anxiety disorders develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.
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Am I Recovering From my Bipolar Episode??

If you have a mental illness you may understand this, if not you may not but I will try to be clear.  

For me an “episode” is up and down moods, inner anxiety and tenseness, a swirling of anger and emotions, highs (hypo-mania), over spending, not able to concentrate, busy and loud mind, under cleaning and well complete disorganization in all aspects of my life.   I do this rapid cycling thing so this all happens quickly over and over. My stress level gets super high and my blood pressure rises which causes me to be really tense.  This can last days, weeks, months and even years it varies every time.  The good news is this happens to me less than it used to due to my meds. 

This past “episode” lasted about 7 months from May 2011 to December 2011. Well that is if it’s actually subsiding. It’s hard to know as you feel good one day but then can either wake up totally depressed and pissed off the next or the good feeling can keep rising into a further episode of hypo-mania. I’m hoping for a recovery.  

For the last couple days I have felt almost like myself again. A calm happiness is how I describe it.  Being able to almost relax, I say almost cause I NEVER relax. I don’t know if its related to the Bipolar but I NEVER relax fully. Carl has really helped me with that tho as he is a calm easy-going guy and there is never drama of any kind with him. He is so comfortable I almost forget my issues. 

I even asked Carl today if he has noticed a difference in me the last few days and he said he did.  It might be a false recovery but I’m hoping not.  I dislike being unsure all the time about how I am going to wake up, but I hope for the best every day. :) 

When all this started it took me months  to realize I was having an “episode”.  I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t realize it got further than it should have so I didn’t adjust my meds till I was fully gone into the “episode”.  I have adjusted my meds but it takes weeks to months for it to take hold and I have to hope I have adjusted the right ones.  Looks like I may have made the right changes.  Cross your fingers! :)

I am hoping for a nice calm relaxing holiday but I know with my family that’s not likely. LOL 

I wish you all Happy Holidays!

May you find Peace, Joy and Happiness in the coming year!  

May all your dreams come true!

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