Bipolar2Happiness » 2011 November

Another One of “Those Days”….

Anxiety, Bipolar 2, Depression, Fear, Relationships 8 Responses »

Nov 302011

Today turned out to be a stressful day. It seems that the pressures of my life and my dysfunctional mind is really getting to me.

If you have read my other stuff you can probably see that I put undue pressure on myself. Especially where it comes to helping others! Well I help anyone with almost anything whether it fits into my life or not…and once again another friend let me down. Wasn’t the end of the world but it really left me hurt and depressed. No need to get into it now!

I don’t usually expect people to return favors of any kind, I find it easier to not expect it but when you are a good friend to someone and you help them with a lot, it can really let you down when they don’t think of you. Especially at this time of the year!

I expect someone, I call a friend, to actually be a friend to me on a similar level I am to them. Lesson learned, people are who they are and you can’t give them more credit than they deserve, lower your expectations and you won’t be hurt. ♥♥♥

I had a major melt down today! My friend let me down and it hurt me and then I talked to my mother. She is fighting with her landlord and is sure he will be telling her to move, but she thinks he is being extra nasty now to try to drive her out so he doesn’t have to evict her. Keep in mind my mother is living on 930.00 a month, you can’t get an apartment for that bit much less anything else. Her and I have always had a difficult relationship. Today she tells me she is going to confront the landlord and ask him if he is going to make her move. I freaked I said, “Oh, no you won’t. listen I can’t take you in now I have enough going on I can’t make my rent and we don’t get along.” I kept telling her don’t you dare, you ride this out till we can figure out where your moving to.” She says she is planning on living in her car. That conversation continued till she got really mad and said, in a nasty tone, I will talk to you later I’m sure your busy, or something like that. :(

My daughter is home sick I’m worried about her.. waiting to hear from her father who is asking his doctor if he will see her as my doctor is not open today. Then I get a text from his new wife telling me he isn’t available and to try not to get mad that she is texting me. Too Late! So I had to get her out of bed and get her dressed to leave.

Then I get a call from a creditor, yes my bills are behind because of my limited income. Not an easy time for me. Kills me to pay things late. But to go a bit further I’m also short for rent that is due on the first about 75.00 short. I have turned in all my recycling and took the coins to the bank but still, I’m short. This really scares me, I have to pay rent or I might lose it!!

My partner on the website is attempting to talk to me and I have all this on my mind and can’t concentrate can’t remember my passwords or even my name as all I can think of is whats going on around me and my finances. Swirling Bipolar Mind!!

Left the doctor, thankfully my daughter isn’t seriously ill and he gave her antibiotics that will hopefully help her. I have her call her dad on the way home to tell him the outcome of the doctor appointment, he tells her that during work he had an accident. He is a truck driver for a large company, delivers equipment. Sounds like his fault and the company he works for has been looking for a reason to fire him so I am assuming he will lose his job. Which means NO Insurance for the kids, and where is the child support going to come from that I rely on each month. Not to speak of the medicine costs and doctors visits that are required due to our mental health issues.

Ok so you can see my mind is swirling and by the time I was at the high school picking up my daughter, I’m losing it! What do I do? I call my mom thinking I could vent to her as I don’t know who else to call and what does she do?? She complains non-stop about her landlord and issues till I interrupt her and blurt everything out. Not helpful because by the time I got it out and upset my daughter was at the car with her teenage attitude. She immediately tells me in that teenager attitude voice to move my wallet. I’m wound so tight by then that I tell my mom I have to go and hang up. Then my daughter says, “whats your problem?” This is great… I continue to rattle off every problem I have from the website and not having enough time to the fact that we can’t make rent and we have no milk..LOL :( Poor kid I dumped it all out in the car and she didn’t know what to do… She just sat quietly.

Do you hear the wind-up happening??? Oh yes and it gets better… I get home and Carl calls and he immediately asks,”are you ok??” Yep I answered honestly and began to cry. Told him everything that is bothering me and that I’m falling apart. He really didn’t know what to say but he offered me money, I of course said, “No thank you I will work it out.” He is a great guy really. ♥♥ He patiently listened and when I apologized for losing it like that he said well we all do it. I let stuff get to me too and sometimes it just seems like it won’t stop coming at you.

I then recovered and asked him about his day etc and laughed about my breaking down.

I was so upset then I try to sit down to work on the site and blog and I just can’t do it so I tell Sonya I am losing it and have to go. Then I hung out with the kids and made some pizza and here I am. Still stressed and attempting to function.. Oh Happy Holiday Season from a Bipolar mind! :)

You just gotta chuckle at it all don’t ya? ♥

A Broken Relationship.. Father and Daughter

Bipolar 2, Depression, Relationships 8 Responses »

Nov 282011

This was requested by a follower, a little more information on the relationship between my oldest daughter and her father. This is a long post!

This relationship between Samantha and her father has been broken since she heard him on the phone with his girlfriend telling her he loved her while I slept in the other room. She was made to have to wake me and tell me he was on the phone. She was 10 yrs old when this occurred!

Finding her father was cheating on her mother broke her heart and she lost all respect for the man she previously thought the world of, her daddy! This devastated her in many ways. He then began to treat her differently than her sister. Was she more difficult to deal with after that yes, she was angry and disappointed, her vision of her father shattered.

Did he make an effort to heal that relationship? No he did not! He blamed me, her mother, for everything not once in the past 6 years accepting responsibility. Then next thing he did once I moved out of the house to give us both space he brought the girls around this woman. Insisted they accept her, be nice to her and like her. When Samantha was resistant he was mean to her. He at this time was still seeing me and I didn’t know he was seeing her. The kids knew we were working on our relationship and were angered further by this woman’s presence. They did not tell me about it tho, they held it inside and it continued to anger Samantha.

Things naturally got worse between me and their father as I would be at the house and she would call etc.. on Easter that year we spent the day with him and his girlfriend called while i was there. He immediately left the room and had a conversation with her and the neighbors began to let me know when the other woman spent the night, the nights I wasn’t there.

Samantha knew all this because you can’t keep it from them. They listen to everything even things I tried to keep from them they figured out. Samantha’s disappointment and vision of her father continued to deteriorate. Their relationship got worse and he began being really nasty to her. She would tell him she didn’t want to spend the weekend with his girlfriend and he would yell at her at tell her she didn’t feel that way that was coming from her mother. Every time she tried to tell him how she felt he dismissed her feelings. Then that woman moved into the home we were living in as a family before I moved. This house was a rental and there was NO reason he couldn’t have moved. Once again he dismissed how the kids felt.

At every turn Samantha was in trouble for how she felt about the woman and her father and he began to punish her over and over. Then this woman was allowed to be in control in the house and she was mean. Anytime her dad was not in the room she would say horrible things to Samantha. She called her fat, she called her a bitch, she called her spoiled and selfish…this went on and on. Anytime Samantha told her dad he called her a liar and punished her. Her anger grew and grew. He began to act more childish than Samantha, he would say mean things to her. When she would show her anger he would cut her down like his girlfriend did. His girlfriend would go into Samantha’s room and tear it apart and tell her to clean it. Samantha would fight with her and tell her dad and he stood behind the woman no matter what was done or said.

Samantha stopped going to his house around a year and half ago now. He would come to my door to pick up our youngest daughter and would completely ignore Samantha! She would say when he walked away, ‘BYE DAD’ and he would just walk away. He didn’t so much as say hello most of the time. Then once in a while he would be all friendly and she would reject him and he would then be mean to her. He has this look he gives her a very disapproving look and he shakes his head and walks away with out a word. That look does more damage than the nasty words that come out of his mouth. He has continued all this behavior for 6 years now.

At this point he isn’t allowed to come to my door to get my other daughter because the last time he did he got into a screaming match with Samantha in my home. This is my daughters safe zone and I will no longer allow him to abuse her in this space. This is her home and she should feel safe and protected here since she doesn’t feel that way anywhere else.

I have tried for years to help them even got them to go to therapy together but he refuses to meet her half way. He still blames me for his choice to cheat and she can’t stand him now. But we will be driving somewhere and she will break out in tears and say, “Mommy I miss my Daddy.” It breaks my heart!

She will be 16 in December and her father has refused to help pay to have her licensed to drive which cost me $350.00 for the schooling and $33.00 for the Learners Permit. He will not help pay for anything for her and doesn’t interact with her at all. This just makes her hurt deeper and deeper, she doesn’t think he cares and thinks he never did.

She is a shattered girl, her confidence is non-existent and she hates her life. Keep in mind this child has been diagnosed Bipolar2 since she was 8 years old and been treated for depression and anxiety since she was 7. This treatment her father gives her is destroying her, and has made it really challenging to keep her illness under control.

Here I thought we were having a good week…

Depression, Fear, Relationships 4 Responses »

Nov 242011

Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

OK, so on Tuesday this week I post about how well my week is going with the kids and how happy I am we are having a good time. They are both off school all week and we were enjoying the time, then came Wednesday.

Image via Wikipedia

On Wednesday I set out with the kids to do some window shopping etc.. My oldest just wouldn’t leave my youngest alone and I don’t know how many times I told her to stop it. My youngest couldn’t say the right thing, couldn’t walk the right way, couldn’t stand in the proper spot when we were all looking at something. There was nothing she did that wasn’t follow by a comment or nastiness from her sister. I told her many times, over and over, to stop it and leave her alone and finally I got to where I was telling her to Shut Her Mouth. Did that stop her, oh no! Then she turns on me and starts griping at me, on and on she went and finally I had enough and I blew my top.

So I am marching them through the store, at a fast pace, telling my oldest that I have had it with her, I was so angry. I yell at her all the way home, telling her how out of line she is and how tired I am that she picks on her sister the way she does. All I wanted was to go out and have some fun, just the three of us. I went on and on about how she just refuses to be happy and has to pick at her sister because of how angry she is with her dad and she takes it out on her sister.. I told her if she didn’t get a grip on her behavior she will start spending some time with her dad like it or not etc. I really let rip. I was so angry, but I have to say rightly so…

I was so angry and upset that I went directly home and went to my room slammed the door and proceeded to go to sleep. I just had to escape the anger and sleeping usually does it. My daughter also went to bed, must run in the family!

I slept for over 2 hours and when I got up my youngest daughter had cleaned the kitchen top to bottom and was so proud of herself. She really is a sweet child and wanted to thank me, in her way, for standing up for her. Both my girls are sweet girls, truly nice people. It’s just that my oldest has so many problems with her dad and her relationship with him is damaged, but my youngest has a good relationship with him. So my oldest is jealous and angry for the different treatment they receive. I really do understand her feelings but none of it is her sisters fault and she doesn’t deserve to be punished for how he treats them.

I really just wanted to have some fun together all three of us but my oldest wasn’t going to allow it. Her dad has texted her and she is really angry. I can’t describe how it feels to sit and watch my daughter be destroyed by her father. The damage he has done is deep and hurts to see happen. I have for years tried to work with them both to help aid this relationship but nothing has helped. My heart aches for my child. I can’t stand to see her hurting so deeply. She tells me often how much she misses her daddy, but things will never be the same again! She deserves so much more! ♥ ♥ ♥

I end this hoping that some day her father will see what he is doing to her and sets things right, if it isn’t too late already. She loves ♥ him so much but he keeps making the same mistakes over and over.

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations. Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit. ~Robert Brault,www.robertbrault.com

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What a child doesn’t receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest

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If I had my child to raise all over again,

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.

I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

~Diane Loomans, from “If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again”

Thanksgiving Week…

Grateful, Happiness, Heart Felt, Hope/Inspiration, Relationships No Responses »

Nov 222011

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. ~Epictetus

Finally, I am feeling better…Mood leveled out and I am really enjoying spending the week with my kids. Normally they only have off Thursday and Friday on the week of Thanksgiving but this year they are both out of school for the entire week!

Honestly, I about this week with my moods being so weird, but so far so good. Yesterday we slept in (well the kids did) and then my youngest and I took off to the shoe store and looked at boots for them for Christmas. No way this year I am buying anything without them approving it, too many shoes and clothes purchased they won’t wear. Today we sat around all morning kids slept till 11am and I got some work done, then we went to my dad’s house to visit and do a load of laundry. It’s a 30 min drive to his house and we were just being silly and having a fun time.

*Gratitude is the best attitude. ~Author Unknown*

Image by Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake via Flickr

I am Thankful for so many things in my life! There are so many good people around me this year and they boost me up. My kids for one are really good girls. I am proud of them, they are working hard in school and it really shows. They are kind to their friends and other adults. Then there is Carl, who has really lit up my life this past year. He is super sweet and treats us all with love and respect. He is giving and open and we really enjoy time together. My parents are still living and its nice the kids can spend time with them. Grandparents are an important part of life and I am glad my kids still have my parents as their dad’s parents have passed. Then there is all the wonderful people online that are so supportive and sweet and a joy to know. I love getting to know everyone. I really hope that our site, LeanOnUs.co, helps people in some way. Even if we just reach one person and help them in some way, our goal is really to be there for others.

I really love the idea that my blog or the site could help someone! When I was learning that I had Bipolar2 Disorder it helped me so much to know I wasn’t alone and to hear others struggles and the answers to some of the problems we shared. We can learn so much from others experiences if we open our minds.

I want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving! I hope that you all enjoy your time with your friends and family and remember what your thankful for!

*Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste*

What Happiness is to me…

Depression, Grateful, Happiness, Heart Felt, Hope/Inspiration 4 Responses »

Nov 202011

Have you ever wondered what people feel when they say they are happy? I know I have wondered in the past, so I’m going to try to explain what happiness means to me.

Happiness came to me a few years ago, while I was trying to heal from my marriage failing and my husband cheating on me. Honestly I was one of those people going through life trying to find that ‘thing’ that would make me a happy person. My husband was found on the phone with a woman telling her he loved her, by my oldest daughter and she had woken me, I then went out to listen to him playing the I love you more game on the phone. I can’t describe what happened that night but something inside me imploded! There really aren’t words to describe it! Heavy depression set in! I tried to do counseling with him but he wasn’t interested so after 8 sessions he refused to go back, so a couple of months later I moved out. Ok anyway back on task here…

I tried to take in what had happened to my life and really wasn’t ready to let go but a year later I think I must have been. I was driving to pick up my kids at my ex-home and I remember specifically I was at a stop light. I heard this voice say to me, “happiness is a choice, just choose to be happy.” It was like a higher power was telling me, just be happy. I remember saying to my self, I’m going to be happy! I asked myself. “do I have everything I want in life?, no, but I am happy! Deep inside there was happiness that I wasn’t letting out!

Until I heard that voice I had no clue that I was making myself unhappy, it was a choice to focus on the negative but this is a chance for a fresh start and I haven’t taken it. I set forth in that moment to be happy. To focus on the happy and to stop myself from focusing on the negative aspects of life. If you have read my other posts you know I have suffered my entire life with severe depression and I was finally to where that depression wasn’t controlling me but I had learned to be negative.

I had to change the way I thought. I decided I must listen to how I talk to myself. That inner voice was really hard on me and my anxiety liked to torture me. I would catch that voice talking down to me and I would say out loud NO, and change that thought to a positive statement. Sounds stupid doesn’t it? I even spoke out loud to that voice! I had to take control of it! I focused on smiling and relaxing even if it was just for a moment.

So now my happiness is: Enjoying every moment of my children, good and bad times. Watching them grow into women and great people. Spending time with Carl (my boyfriend) enjoying his quirks and his personality. I am super comfortable with him and we have fun together even doing nothing. I see the rain as a cleansing of the world and enjoy every moment of it. The sunshine brings brightness and warmth to me and the world around me, I breathe it in and bask in its glory! I accept myself for who I am. I have now defined who I am as; a kind, caring mother of two who wants to reach out and help others. I have major mood swings here and there and will occasionally embarrass myself but I can apologize and improve on it immediately. I am Imperfect, as my daughter would say ‘Perfectly Imperfect’! I see the world and each person I meet as they are, I trust my gut instinct because there are bad people in the world and I don’t deserve to be mistreated any longer.

Bottom line for me Happiness is simply accepting things as they are and not making excuses or wondering how it would be if I could have done something differently in the past. It is also a choice to be free from negativity. I tell my self all the time I’m happy! There are days I have to refocus and stop my old habits but I have a quality life and good people in it! That makes me happy!

My Very First Blog Award :)

Awards, Grateful, Heart Felt 15 Responses »

Nov 192011

I am truly Honored to receive this award from Michael he is one of my followers and an awesome blogger. His blog is Have A Dream. This Blog is inspirational and a positive place to spend some time! Micheal is a nice guy! Everyone should go check it out.

Liebster is German for ‘beloved’. The rules are as follows, If you receive the award, not only do you have the, “less than 200 followers,” but you should have more. Once you have received this award you should link back to the person who nominated you and you pass this on to 5 other bloggers of your choice, that qualify. Let them know you nominated them by leaving a comment on their blog.

I am nominating the following blogs:

Bipolargirl82

ImaMomToo

HelpMeToGetRidofAnxiety

ItsJustaRide

TheBipolarProject

Once again, I am very appreciative for this nomination of the Liebster Blog Award! I appreciate all the support from everyone! Thank you

Continued: Anxiety and Trouble at School

Anxiety, Fear, Heart Felt, Mental Health 6 Responses »

Nov 182011

Well If you have read my other two posts My Daughter and Anxiety and Continued Anxiety and my Daughter you have an idea of how much anxiety my youngest has dealt with, well here is an update!

Today I called the school at 7am to see if I could set up to where I would be at the meeting Jessica had to have with the Vice Principle at school. I just wanted to be there to support her and her anxiety about it was so bad that she was making herself ill again. Never been in trouble at school and had no idea what would happen!

We met him at 7:40 10 min before school was to start and he wanted the teacher to be there as well. We talked about it all and I explained it wasnt the teachers fault but Jessi had admitted to cheating when she swears she wasnt. I understand she has to be treated like she is guilty as she said she was.. Well we waited, and waited but the teacher never came to the meeting. Jessi has math assessment tests today and that was her first period class so now she is late for that class. Her math teacher called while we were meeting to tell Jessi that she can stay in her class during science to finish the testing if need be. Which is good because that’s the class where she is being punished for Cheating on a test.

Once she relaxed the Vice Principle and I decided we would not wait any longer and he walked her to class. Jessi had relaxed and I think the anxiety for today might have passed. Yay!! I came home and went a step further. I decided I may have mishandled the conversation with her teacher. I upset her and couldn’t shake that feeling so I typed up a nice email explaining and apologizing for mishandling our conversation and sent it to the teacher.

I do still believe Jessi didn’t cheat on the test (she did cheat on the homework tho) but really we will never know! I’m OK with that as I think this anxiety she has is a good sign. She has a conscience and she will not do wrong again with her work. We all make mistakes and I believe she has learned from this experience!

So here I am reading a website called DamnYouAutoCorrect.com and laughing as my stress level so needs to decrease! I’m exhausted!! lol :) Hope you all have a great weekend and a nice holiday coming up!

Continued… Anxiety and My Daughter…

Anxiety, Depression, Fear 3 Responses »

Nov 172011

Today was a hard day for my youngest daughter and me. She went back to school after being out for three full days and promptly got another talking to by her teacher. It seems that her teacher decided she cheated on a test, not hard to understand how, but when she questioned Jessi about it she panicked and told the teacher she was the one who cheated. The minute the teacher confronted her with the accusation she began a full-blown panic attack. Yep full-blown panic attack.

Jessi managed to sit through the rest of the class but by the time she got to her next class she was visible sick. She was pale, having a hard time breathing and visibly upset. She was scared and her next teacher noticed she didn’t look good and sent her to the nurse’s office. The nurse knew she had been out of school 3 days this week and allowed Jessi to call me. I thought maybe she just needed to eat something so I took her some peanut butter crackers. She ate one but she was visible ill so I talked to her about what was wrong. I told her I thought she was having anxiety and I needed to know what was wrong but she insisted nothing was wrong. So I took her home. We talked a lot but she insisted she had no idea why she was so panicked and upset.

Then about 20 minutes after we were home she says to me, “mom I think I may know whats wrong.” I said, “OK honey, what is it?” She proceeds to tell me that her teacher accused her of cheating on a test and that she didn’t cheat, but she told the teacher it was her that cheated. Not sure why because she insists she didn’t cheat on the test. She admits to cheating on the homework but swears she didn’t cheat on the test.

So I called the teacher to discuss it, after Jessi told me that the teacher told her she didn’t believe she was sick and she is not dumb she knows why Jessi hasn’t been at school . That was not a good thing as that made me angry. This child has thrown up off and on for 3 days, who is this teacher to say she wasn’t sick without talking to me. So basically that’s what I told the teacher. Of course she swears she would never say that to her and began to cry. I thought are you kidding me! The teacher goes on and on refusing to let me talk and bawling and then tells me its her birthday and she was having a good day until now. Guilt trip anyone! ugh!

So I told her Jessi and I wanted to meet with her to clear the air because Jessi is really upset about facing her again. So I wanted to meet with her in the morning but she can’t do that, Jessi is going to have to find a way through her day. I hope she makes it!!

I ended up hanging up the phone completely upset and confused about what to believe. My daughter has lied before but this teacher has a reputation for not being very nice. Jessi and I talked a lot today and she is insistent she didn’t cheat on the test, she was copying homework but didn’t cheat on the test. Since Jessi has been accused and admitted to cheating on the test she has to meet with the vice principal and is really freaked out about meeting with him. The world of the unknown is very scary for someone with anxiety! I will have to let you all know what happens next.. Stay Tuned! :)

My Daughter and Anxiety…

Anxiety, Depression 4 Responses »

Nov 162011

Have you ever wondered, is my child really sick or do they have a serious case of anxiety?

That is a question I have asked myself since my youngest daughter’s teacher called me today. She believes that since my daughter received a Step on her Step Card for copying Math homework off a friend, that her anxiety is making her sick to her stomach. My daughter has missed school this entire week due to a sick stomach. She has actually been throwing up semi regularly for those three days. Yesterday, she was fine all day and then when she ate dinner at her dads she got sick and came home early. Her dad says to me that he isn’t sure she got sick at all and that she mentioned me picking her up by 2nd period today from school and when she got home she promptly asked me about that. I told her we would see.

Well this morning her very nice Math teacher called to discuss the incident on Friday with the copying of Math homework and punishment she received that my daughter is scared to go back to school. She thinks the anxiety of it might make her ill. A big bright light bulb went off in my head and I realized she is probably right. So my daughter just got up at 9:30 am and I have to talk to her about it.

It’s this type of thing that makes me worry fully about her mental state. She takes meds for depression and it has helped her tremendously. I think this just shows her mental stability a bit is questionable. Not that kids don’t make themselves sick worrying about things but this has gone on since Sunday afternoon, it is now Wednesday!

I’m not saying she needs more medication but it really tells me a lot about how her mind works. I need help her through this and recognize when she is torturing herself over nothing. We must really pay attention to the cues our kids give us even tho some of them are subtle.

So off I go to talk to her and reassure her everything is fine at school, her teachers understand we all make mistakes and simply want her to learn from it! Wish me luck!!

New Relationship and Bipolar…

Depression, Grateful, Heart Felt, Hope/Inspiration, Relationships 6 Responses »

Nov 112011

Do you wonder how a new relationship survives the mood issues I have had lately? Me too!!

Today I’m sharing more on my relationship with Carl. When I met Carl I was a mess he was my neighbor at the first apartment I moved into after my husband and I separated. We said Hi to each other and general niceties but never really spent any time together. I thought he was a nice man the moment I saw him but I didn’t feel good about myself and wasnt looking for a relationship. We lived there 3 yrs as neighbors until he moved out to move in with his girl friend. I wished him the best and went on my way. A year after he moved, I ran into him at a local park and we chatted for a while. No big deal really. I was pretty stable at the time and was happy open to a relationship. Well as it turned out he had just moved out of his girlfriends house, I told him how sorry I was it didn’t work out etc.

Then a few weeks later two days before I went to court for my divorce, he tracked me down at a local store and asked me out. He proceeded to tell me that he always regretted not asking me out and he has looked for me to ask me out for a week or so. He said he was frequenting the areas my kids went to school in hoping to run into me. He assured me he wasn’t a stalker.. haha I was shocked had no idea he wanted to date, I accepted his invite to dinner without hesitation and we have dated more than a year now.

We see each other daily with a few exceptions. He has experienced some of my weird moods and he is still here. So I guess he hasn’t been scared off as of yet. I have never actually told him what my diagnosis is because he hasn’t asked. I have told him about my experience with moods and depression he knows I have had some bad years with it and this last 6 months he has experienced those moods, not the worst ones but some not so good ones. He gives me the space I need and is not offended by my moods.

I have told him that I have depression and mood issues and have talked about a lot of those and listened to him about some of my different moods that he has noticed. He knows the doctor took me out of work and that I take several medications daily for the depression. I really don’t know how he feels about all that as we haven’t discussed it yet, but he is still around and we still have a great time together, even doing nothing.

This man is amazing, he is easy to be with, easy to talk to about everything, he isn’t perfect mind you but he is funny, friendly, outgoing and loving. He respects me and all women, he is a bit opinionated on politics so that’s not a good topic. haha He is the kind of guy that opens doors for you and offers to help with anything and everything, although he doesn’t like me helping him with stuff. It’s a man thing I think.. I help anyway, sometimes. He worries about me being under too much stress but he doesn’t push his opinion on me, he respects my choices. He has supported me in helping my friend who was having marital issues even though he felt I was being taken advantage of, he voiced that but not disrespectfully. He then let me realize it all on my time. He never puts me down in any way! To me he is nearly the perfect man. He is good to my kids too and they both like him. He doesn’t overstep boundaries with them though, he respects them.

So as time goes on and we get to talk more about feelings etc I’m sure I will be posting more about this wonderful man. Wish us luck!!

My Second Child’s Symptoms…

Anxiety, Depression, Heart Felt, Mental Health 4 Responses »

Nov 102011

Alright, you have all heard a lot about my first child. I am going to share a bit about my second daughter today.

My second child is really a complete opposite of my first. From coloring to personality to the way they learn its completely opposite. Her name is Jessi and she has always had a fun bubbly personality. Not that Sami wasn’t fun but in a different way. They both are the joy that keeps me going and I love that they are so different.

Jessi was always a fit thrower, if her clothes didn’t feel just right she would lose it. She preferred to be naked honestly. So when we were home she was just in a diaper. She always made a huge mess when eating but couldn’t have it on the palms of her hands with out insisting on washing them. She would get mad if you didn’t get them cleaned off right away!

Then her socks began to be an issue and to this day still are, she would take her shoes and socks on and off many times before she would leave the house. While this is going on she is mad and crying yelling at everyone.. Even when she was a baby there were certain outfits she just would be crabby in. Now that she is older I see it was because she is sensitive to how things feel.

Even this morning she got all upset cause she thought her shirt didn’t look right with her new jacket. She was mad because she couldn’t find a sweater to wear with a tank top. They have to wear a sweater with any tank top. She was marching around the house snapping at everyone, all you had to do was look at her and she would jump down your throat. I try to not talk to her and hope she will work it out on her own but I end up every time telling her to stop and check her attitude and take some breaths. This morning she apologized and her sister helped her with the collar on her jacket and we promptly got her out the door to school. It seems to help to get her out the door. Always has had no idea why.

So through her life these issues have been the biggest till last year. She began breaking down and crying uncontrollably for no clear reason. She couldn’t tell anyone what was wrong but she would be so upset I would have to lay with her in my bed and rub her head to calm her. When nothing was working I took her to the doctor. Mind you she is 12 and I know they have emotional issues at that age but it was more than that.. In talking with the doctor about the issues he suggested we start her with a low dose anti-depressant, since our family has such a history with depression and mental illness we know it isn’t a phase, it’s too severe to think it was anyway.

She has been on the low dose anti-depressant for almost a year now and she is doing better. No emotional fits any longer, not that she doesn’t have her moments like any other kid and no extra energy bursts like she was having. So we are pleased that her moods have leveled and she is doing well.

We still have the clothing issues with her but it isn’t like it used to be. I remember hating to get out of bed because it meant another hard morning with Jessi. It was exhausting and to stay calm when we all are having our issues isn’t easy. We got through that time tho and we learned to communicate about feelings and help each other..

Well that is a brief view of Jessi. She is a joy I love her dearly and Hope that her life stays on track.

Deciding to Medicate my Child…

Anxiety, Depression, Fear, Mental Health 6 Responses »

Nov 052011

There are a lot of parents that don’t believe in medicating their children. I am in two minds about it really. I think it depends on the illness and what the side effects will be.

Here is the scoop, when my daughter started having serious issues with her moods and anxiety I took her to a doctor. Actually we went through several doctors before we trusted one to give us medicine for her. They didn’t, right away, suggest medication, we wanted to make sure there really was something wrong and not that she was reacting to something we didn’t know etc.

I was desperate to help her, she was so full of anxiety and getting more and more angry for no reason. She seemed so unhappy and unable to control of her emotions. We went to the doctor weekly and then he thought she might benefit from an anti-depressant. Together over time we had decided she had some type of depression/anxiety disorder. Nothing we tried worked for her so what choice did we have?? We talked to the doctor about what medication he may suggest and what the side effects were. We wanted to give her as little as possible and the doctor agreed.

We talked at length with the doctor about the possible side effects and once we started the medicine we kept in close touch with him, seeing him weekly and discussing all possible side effects.

I had to ask myself, can she go on like this at this age?, she was 6. She went from a happy child to a very emotional confused child. She was always sensitive but this was similar to what I imagined went on with me as a child and if you have read my other posts you know I was actively looking for a diagnosis and help for myself. I remembered as a child feeling so sad and not having any idea why, then it got to where I didn’t really feel much at all, I didn’t want that for her. I swore my child would not suffer the life I did, the life of depression. I knew this was likely to be more than a stage. There are medications that I would not give a child due to the side effects I didn’t want her to lose her personality, you know the one underneath the over-emotional reactions. There are a lot of medicines that will just wipe out their personalities and I didn’t want that for her. Really the anti-depressant didn’t frighten me too much but believe me you must keep a close eye on them and report any possible side effects. As time went on and she developed more issues we had to once again weigh medications and whether it was worth the risks. Lots of discussion about all the aspects of the medications and side effects and how much to give her. Low dose was where we insisted we start! The doctor is very conservative with the dosage and is very knowledgeable. That doesn’t mean I didn’t go home and research it more before I filled the prescriptions. We can’t be too careful with our still growing and developing children where medications are concerned.

I will suggest to anyone that is considering medications for a child to fully research all information on such medications and make sure you completely understand how it works and how it will affect them. You can’t be too safe.

Diagnosing my Daughter’s Symptoms…

Anxiety, Bipolar 2, Depression, Fear, Hope/Inspiration, Mania, Rage, Relationships 7 Responses »

Nov 022011

Have you ever looked at your child and thought something is not right? Well I had to do just that with my first child when she was around age 5…

Like I said when my first child was about 5 yrs old, I realized that her moods and reactions to things were not normal. I would see her run inside from playing with friends and she would go to her bed and be pulling her hair out while saying she didn’t know why she was so mad.. Well at this point I knew something was wrong with me (although not what was wrong) so it wasn’t far off to think she would have issues as well. I tried to work with her on it and nothing worked. It was so hard to see her be miserable she was losing all her friends and about to start Kindergarten and I knew this wasn’t getting better.

So I focused on her and getting help for her…. All the while wondering what is going on in her brain. She hated doctors she had been ill as a 3 yr old and stayed in the hospital a week and it wasn’t a decent experience for her. She had also been diagnosed with a kidney reflux issue so she had to have tests done annually that were pretty traumatic for her.

We went to many psychiatrists and some therapists looking for answers. Why was my beautiful happy child so moody now and unhappy. Why was she having fits of frustration over nothing and why was she having Night Terrors. She has them for years she would be crying and screaming and running about the house but completely in her sleep and terrified! It was impossible to wake her. We would take her into the bathroom and turn on the light and talk to her and hold her till we could wake her. That was terrible to see, but then it seemed to be happening to her in the day as well with these fits of frustration.

Our experience with these so-called Doctors was not good. They would label her just about anything to make us come back the next week… It was disappointing to say the least. They would tell me she was afflicted with some disorder and order me to buy a book on it and I would and read it and know it was not what was wrong with her. I couldn’t believe it not only are we putting out money for these doctors but we are buying books on an illness that she didn’t have ONE symptom from… grr its was frustrating.

When she was 7 yrs old we went to see the doctor we have now, Dr S. is what we will call him. Since I was in treatment as well I gave him my history and my family history and what was going on with my daughter. He knew right away what it was, Bipolar2 disorder. Heavily depressed and Hypo-manic highs, high levels of anger and anxiety etc. Ok so now we know what it is, how do we treat it? We started with meds right away. I like him because even tho he is giving me medication for my child he tries small doses first as to not over medicate. He does not want her overly medicated. It took a year or more really to get her stabilizing but she was better able to deal with her feelings once we had some information on what it was. She went to him once a week for some time till we had her leveled out. We have then seen him once a month or on an as needed basis since then. I am also now seeing him and so is her sister. (a whole other story in itself)

This daughter of mine is now 15 yrs old. She is brilliant, beautiful and capable of most things in life. We have had our ups and down with Anxiety. There were times that I couldn’t even take her to the store with out her freezing at the door and turning ghost white, she would then go on and on that she wanted to go home. Latched to my hand, tightly I might add, and quietly she would chant I want to go home, I want to go home over and over I would just keep her close and talk to her and once it got too bad we would leave.. then she would regain color in her face and be exhausted. At this point those anxiety attacks are minimal most of the time she can handle it and function fine but when she can’t we try, then leave if needed. She is learning more and more about her illness and how to cope and control some of it. Obviously 15 yrs old means terrible attitude but we love her anyway.. LOL

Her story is also one of Hope. She went from a disturbed child, who couldn’t concentrate in school to a beautiful teenager that has all A’s and B’s in Honor classes. She works hard and is also learning to drive. She excels at almost everything she does! She is only missing the confidence she needs to exceed her own expectations. We are working on it and she is improving.

Well that’s my story in a nutshell there are obviously more incidences but generally this is how it all transpired..

Remember: When the World says Give Up, Hope Whispers Try One More Time!!