Monthly Archives: October 2011

Complain, Complain Complain… Thankful!

Do you ever feel like you get in a rut and negativity starts to poke its ugly head out and influence your life?  I know I do and I’m here to say it’s not staying for long!  A positive thought process has taken me a long way over the last few years so I’m not letting ugly negativity visit my life for an extended period! 

Sun Breaking thru the clouds  I have thought lately and I feel like I have just been  complaining.  I am having a hard time now but Life is  good at  the same time.   

 I have had so many people support me that I have just met on  twitter, Facebook, Our Mom Spot, A Band of Wives, other  bloggers and so many more, too many to mention… I am  thankful for the much-needed kind words and encouragement from you all.  I certainly have many things to be happy about and I want you all to know that I appreciate your support and kind words and funny interactions! 

The comments that have been left for me on my posts have meant a lot to me.  You are all encouraging, thoughtful and can really boost someone up.  Simply knowing I’m not alone or semi understood brings a bit of peace to my sometimes crazy whirlwind mind.   

The blogs and websites that I have been shown by you all have been very inspiring and I might say eye-opening.  I have family that is there for me , my girls are the light of my life and lets not forget that special guy in my life Carl but this online world means a lot to me too.   

I have a blog roll running of the sites I enjoy, you should go take a look at them.  I do have some to add just have to get organized.. ha ha ha Good luck with that right.. LOL 

I am kept very busy at the site im partnering with Sonya on, it’s called LeanOnUs.co and I don’t get to spend as much time on a lot of these sites I enjoy so much.  It’s nice to know that you are all there and just a click away if I’m  looking for inspiration or advice.  I have really enjoyed the new friends I have made on twitter. 

Our site LeanOnUs.co is a friendship, support, informational site/forum meant to be a safe haven to share your views/opinions  and for those of us that need help with the difficult days life can bring.  We do not pretend to be doctors, just caring people there to lend a hand.  I would love you to visit and register to be part of our Dream. 

I don’t mean to be corny but I love you all… There is a special spot in my heart for you! 

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Impulsive Over Spending Anyone???

Have you ever gone into a store thinking you would wander around but dying to buy something at a time when you have NO money??  You know you’re spending rent/mortgage payment but you do it anyway.. 

One of my many Bipolar symptoms is spending money when I don’t have any…Don’t get me wrong I don’t buy things we don’t need but I don’t have the money and I buy it anyway…  This is one of my many signs of my illness being Off Track, as I like to call it! 

The past 4 months or more I have done this each month.  I used to be able to pay my bills and just do without whatever, make ends meet no matter what!  Maybe we are light on food or what have you as I’m on a limited income and a single mom of 2 teenage girls but we would get by.  

I have done this for these past months and my bills are all late and I’m so mad at myself.  I have never in my life paid my bills late but as the economy dips lower and things are getting more and more expensive, I am losing control.   When I do this I  know it is going to make it a disaster and stress me out completely yet I do it anyway. Ugh the frustration is unreal and yet I do it again.  

Each month I am having panic attacks about how I will pay rent, praying that a family member will help me out.   All the while being utterly embarrassed of having to ask.   I have sold items  from the house , patio furniture etc..  The stress level is killing me, causing my symptoms to worsen. 

I’m frantic to fix the problem before my moods get unpredictable.  I am increasing and decreasing meds (doctors supervision).  Praying all the while that I will level out and not make a huge mess out of my finances and my life.  Every medicine change could mean deeper depression or further agitation but I have no choice I have to pray the outcome of a medicine change will be positive.  I am afraid, afraid of going back to the days that I couldn’t stand myself and losing my bit of control over this Bipolar depression. 

I am so mad at myself and exhausted as I struggle to get control and fail. I’m depressed along with agitated and that is frightening for someone with my illness.  It’s a vicious cycle and I’m sick of it. 

I won’t let it win, I will continue to be me, I will get through this time No matter what!!!  

I have great friends online and off and I appreciate every one of you, I couldn’t get through this life without you all.  I have met so many nice people and I am always amazed at how many people are affected by  mental illness whether it be their issues or a loved ones or a friend…. 

Thank you everyone! Your my rock!! 

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Mood Swings are Exhausting…

A depressed man sitting on a bench

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever been really depressed?  I mean truly depressed where everything is an effort, just breathing feels like too much to bother with and you are fighting to keep a positive outlook on life? 

 

That’s been me the last couple  Few months! Up and down moods and energy levels, its exhausting, but I know it’s just my illness so I have to remember this isn’t my life or my attitude it’s just A part of life.  It’s a part I would like to leave behind but it will always be with me.  I get to feeling better than I wake up feeling that churning inside and a heavy head of racing thoughts… 

Then I have to think about every thought so I can stop the negative self hating ones.  I have to remind myself that isn’t reality, I don’t deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially myself.  When I do this it can really affect my relationships with people and my overall attitude about life.  I have to repeat to myself, I AM CHOOSING HAPPINESS!!  

Now I know a lot of you are thinking she is fooling herself and you are either happy or you’re not, well I know I can choose to be happy.  Do I have everything I want in my life? No… Do I have what is necessary in life?  Yes I do.  Am I a good person who cares about others and wants to help people out with their troubles?  Yes I am.. Do I live a good and moral life? Yes I do  and I have to repeat that to myself a lot and I have to tell myself to stop those thoughts.   Those thoughts are my illness not me and I can’t let it take over… 

The days of bipolar depression having control are over, it will affect me and the people in my life at times but I won’t let it rule me!!  I will be the better person I know I am!!  Do you have to tell yourself what your thankful for in your life? Does it help you? 

OK we all know I will have bipolar days and weeks and even months but I can’t define myself by it and that’s why I find it helpful to counter those negative thoughts and the self hate that comes from the depression. 

Do you struggle with these thoughts as well?  How do you handle them? Do you even notice when you’re doing it?  Do you tell yourself to stop?  How does it affect you?  

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Who was that Person????

Have you ever reflected back on your experiences, and your actions and thought, Who was that person? 

Bipolar made me think that way every day, mainly as I hit my late teens.  I am just going to pop out some of how I reacted to stuff and how I felt about it at the time and looking back now. 

As a child, I withdrew so I was super sad and had panic attacks all the time although we had no idea what it was, but as I got older things changed… 

In High school I would do things like smack my friend when she laughed too loud. Not on purpose but I would be shocked that it happened.   So the reaction was Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, and to withdraw from life further. 

This was the aftermath  every time something like that happened… every time I uncontrollably yelled at someone who upset me, every time I walked through the hall ignoring my friend calling to me, every time someone walked into me in the hallway and I hit them hard with my shoulder, every time someone looked at me cross-eyed and I reacted, every time I threw a desk across the room in a class because the person behind me was banging my chair with the empty desk.  Every day I withdrew more and more..

There was always a cloud of Shock, Fear, sadness, confusion, regret, hate for myself, deeper depression and to withdraw from life further.  

Imagine living in a world where everything is gray, and you feel sad, rage, hate, negativity, fear, anxiety, stress and then going into a high that was so annoying your rage became uncontrollable.  You had so much extra energy you couldn’t stop moving but you are exhausted at the same time.  You took nothing serious and made jokes of everything, laughed constantly and knew Always That You Were Not Like Every One Else, wondering how you will go on… Wondering will this ever get better for me? Wondering what is the purpose of life?  What is wrong with me?  Who is this person controlling me it can’t be who I am???  Am I a Bitch like everyone says?  I don’t feel like that person but I am??  I fought with everyone in my life over little things, sometimes things I just perceived the wrong way but could see it no other way. 

Every day, each year, every incident the Gray got darker, the anxiety deeper, the mood swings faster, the Rage grew, and the hate for who I was growing rapidly.  Regret. Regret. Regret, it surrounded me day after day, moment to moment, the pressure I felt around me was heavier and heavier, the effort to breathe harder and harder, the thoughts swirling in my head so quickly that I couldn’t even pinpoint what the thoughts were, swirling swirling swirling, the noise in my head got louder and louder and my level of confusion worse and worse!  All I could do was withdraw and over react!   I was known as the crazy bitch!

As far back as I can remember my mother called me a bitch… and as I got older everyone called me a bitch.  This confused me because I really didn’t think I was inside, but I knew on the outside I was a bitch, confusion on this topic was unbearable.  I decided for years to be the bitch I was accused of being all the while that other person inside me wanting out.   I couldn’t imagine being who I am today, yet I yearned to be that happy person, loving, helpful, real, genuine!

I know there are people out there that feel the same way, don’t let go of  HOPE!  Be strong and keep your eye on that person inside not the illness on the outside.  Develop that person in any way you can!!

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Info About my Bipolar Symptoms….

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever felt like someone or something else was in control of your actions?  Have you ever had,what I describe as ‘out of body’ Rages? 

I can tell you that I have and so many times over the years that I can’t remember them all.  Many times I knew I had been in a Rage but didn’t remember what I had done while in it.   Then there were times that I was so in a Rage that I felt as if I was floating above myself and watching me do these horribly mean things, mainly I said horrible stuff and was very scary!  These Rages started when I was about 19, I was always very depressed, emotional and had a feeling of an emotional tornado churning inside me.  That Tornado as I call it was Anger, Rage, Bipolar2 symptoms.

At the time I had no clue what was going on with me and I was really withdrawn from life, but I was determined to be part of life.  I wanted what everyone wanted a Family to love and Happiness!   I was like most people I thought something was going to MAKE  me HAPPY.  Until I was in my 40′s I had no idea it was up to me to just BE HAPPY.

Back to my symptoms from 19 yrs old on…  a touch of Agoraphobia, I absolutely couldn’t leave my apartment alone with out 45 min of pacing and crying and talking to myself.  It was a major fight, thankfully I am a determined person or I wouldn’t have gotten through that time.  I remember getting out of the house after my 45 min fight with unreasonable fears and I would head to the gas station and drive through it three times unable to stop.  The fear was crippling I would shake and tear up, it is overwhelming when this happens.  I was so angry with myself because why couldn’t I stop and get gas like everyone else? why must I have someone with me?? It made no sense to me!  OK, so you get the picture it was unbelievably exhausting.  You can imagine that affected me every time I had to leave the house except for work as my job was a safe haven for me.  There were many days I didn’t leave the house at all. 

Then there were the times that I would be with Tania and she would be laughing and happy and I would literally smack her.  It was so annoying but I had no idea why or have any control over it.  I smacked her face even in the hallways in high school because she was laughing and being loud.  It was strange to me and I had no idea why it kept happening.  Tania never even got mad at me she actually would laugh harder, and I would be crying because I felt horrible about it.  She loved me anyway tho even when I smacked her for no reason on more than one occasion.  Tania taught me a lot about love and acceptance.  

At night I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep every night.  I was super emotional I talked to myself, cried and yelled at my mom it was an emotional nightmare.  Years of pent-up emotions just flowed like a rushing river!  Honestly it was confusing to me but ended up being great therapy.  I worked hard to get through that time and kept challenging my fears by leaving the house.  The only thing I could think of, I really needed a doctor but had no insurance.

I also had an issue with sweating if I got nervous I would sweat off the top of my head and it dripped down my face and was super embarrassing.  It would make me flee where ever I was and want to hide.  If I didn’t by the time I left where I was my hair would be visibly WET.  Stuck down to my head like I had just gotten out of the shower.  I was so embarrassed! 

The level of depression was so deep that at the end of the day I was exhausted and could barely get up in the morning.  Depression just zaps all your energy and all your drive.  The overwhelming sadness and low energy with the unreasonable level of anxiety and fears is exhausting.

I have no idea how I kept up with fighting the fears with my depression so high but I kept fighting.  It’s so important to keep fighting whether you feel like you can or not.. Just fight it and then realize Happiness is a choice..

I know that sounds corny but it’s so true, I realized that as I stated in an  earlier post… when I was around 40, I heard this voice say to me HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE, JUST CHOOSE IT!  It was really strange to me but I was compelled by it.  With some work I began to realize that voice was right!! I had to change thought processes tell myself to stop saying bad things to myself but after some months or more I felt happy inside something I had never felt before!!  Then I realized good things started to happen around me.  I met a man who asked me out and we have dated for a year even tho I have been split from my husband since 2006, I didn’t date anyone till I met Carl in 2010…..

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Big Changes… A Hard Road to Navigate…

Have you ever been faced with difficult choices? Necessary drastic changes to  improve or survive life? 

I stopped talking to my mother, banned her from my life because we couldn’t take the manipulation and the negativity she brought to our lives.  You must know that my mother is not treated for her mental illness.  6 years I didn’t speak to her but that enabled me to change thought processes and begin getting to know who I was and how I wanted to live my life. 

I have had similar experiences with my father.  Years of not interacting as he too is mentally ill and in denial.  I got to where I couldn’t handle them and their stress and negativity, I didn’t want to live my life that way.   We are all closer now than we have been ever, but there are limitations!  I had to do what was right for my family.  

It was a very difficult 10 years, I didn’t have the support of my husband, my mother, my father and I had only 1 friend who moved away.  Depression in itself makes you feel lonely but I had no support and a husband that had no interest in helping me but a lot of interest in making fun of me.  He would mock me when I would try to talk to him about things that I needed to change. I was deeply depressed and exhausted all the time! Loneliness set in and I began to just exist. 

In the end, my husband cheated on me and  I attempted to work things out with him for 4 months, he kept telling me he didn’t want to lose me blah blah blah.  Finally I couldn’t live a lie any longer, he wouldn’t commit to making things work and only went to 8 therapy appointments. I decided to move out to an apartment not far from the house.  We continued work through things, so I thought. Then one of his neighbors came to me and told me his girlfriend was staying the night when I wasn’t there. :(  Devastating really.  It took me 3 years to get through the devastation I felt.  It was like someone had ripped my heart out! I lived in a fog of depression, just going through the motions of life. 

One day I was driving to pick up the kids from school and it hit me.  Happiness is a choice, it was like a voice said to me Happiness is a choice, choose happiness!  At that moment the fog lifted and I began to pull out of my feelings of being lost.  There was life to live and life to enjoy, I was now determined to live that life!

I had to be strong for the girls… We have now finally divorced and are struggling to parent our kids.  Unfortunately, he married his maniac girlfriend and our kids are heart-broken.  The oldest doesn’t even go to see him anymore and it breaks my heart.   It has now been 5 years since we moved out and I am happy!  Something I have never been in my entire life.  I have a doctor that is keeping my illness in check and am dating a man who is very nice to me, easy to be around and I can talk to him about anything.  He has his issues just like me but we have fit together well for the past year.  My girls even like him so that’s a plus!  

I just want to say, sometimes when it feels like life is over, it’s just beginning.  I am now able to be happy inside as long as my illness is kept at bay and my girls are happier for it.  It’s a lot of work to control some of the symptoms and If you read my post A Bad Day…A More Current post, you know the bipolar days are still around but they don’t run my entire life. If you want to make changes in yourself, don’t let anyone hold you back! You can do it with  work and support from doctors and therapists.  There is help out there but you will have to go find it!! 

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Psychiatrist, Therapist… Oh My!

Loneliness (edit)

Image by kvitlauk via Flickr

Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands and can help you?? Doctors act like you are pretending and therapists just give bad advice?

This is how I was feeling when I left that psychiatrists office knowing  I would never go back… defeated, scared and exhausted!

Here I was  begging for help… and the doctors just wanted to bully me, I wasn’t standing for it.  Off I went looking for another psychiatrist, I saw many of them and it seemed useless thankfully I was determined to find out exactly what was going on with my brain!  It took months to find another doctor just to be disappointed again and go on another search. I was horrible my moods were all over the place I fought with anyone that would look at me cross-eyed or I would break down and bawl for no known reason.  My family was really struggling with me and with every doctor there was more disappointment and further depression.

I would rage about the littlest stuff, I would get angry with the kids and pull in the recycle bin and start adding their toys and books to the recycling. I had very little control and didn’t know what to do.  So many times I felt as if I was hovering above my body while i did these things, out-of-body experience while in a rage.  Frightening really!! Devastating to the kids and me!  I did have a neighbor that would see me do that and she would come take the kids for me so I could try to stop my fit… she was a god send!

This went on for years until I finally found a doctor.  He isn’t a personable man but he knows his stuff and he knew immediately how to handle our family.  He had treated my daughter for a year but I never thought to go to him myself.  Him treating me gave a big insight into what was going on with my daughter and allowed him to treat us both for what we actually suffer from, Bipolar 2 disorder!  Finally someone knew what was going on and how to handle it. It took 10 years to get things under control and there were serious ups and downs.

My relationship with my husband took a hard hit when I received my diagnosis, then began to spend hours on the computer learning and trying to understand this illness.  Entering chat rooms to hear what others were going through learning all the while so I could figure out how to help myself and my family.  He hated it, didn’t want me to spend the time on it.  When I would go to therapy and come home to talk to him about it he would get angry.  When we would argue he would say things to me like “did your therapist tell you that?”  It soon became clear he wasnt going to support my looking for help and I was on my own.  We grew apart I changed and he didn’t…..

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A Bad Day a More Current Post…

Angry Penguin

Image via Wikipedia

Alright.. I was reading another Bipolar blog post today.. and she said something that struck me.  It was something like, her being tired of all this happy sunshine crap, no one is perfect and it seem disingenuous as we all have a bad day!  

I am just going to share my imperfectness, although I am generally a happy person yesterday was a Bipolar day! 

Yesterday I go out to my car in the afternoon after not driving it all day and I find damage to the bumper and white paint on the neighbor’s front bumper.  No note, no knock on the door nothing!  I flipped out!  Went and rang the door bell of the neighbor many times until she answered the door and I greet her with, “Which one of you hit my car today and didn’t bother to leave a note or knock on my door?” Said Angrily!!  She seemed to have no idea what i was talking about as it is her husband’s car that is parked there today.  Did that stop me, NOPE! I continued to get more angry and was down right mean.  Then I leave to take the kids to the store and return to drop them off and she comes out and It got worse. :( 

I went off on her as she was making excuses for her husband saying he must not have known he did it etc.. I still don’t believe he didn’t know, but I rant and rave and got in her face.(according to my kids) I don’t remember it that way.  Then the manager of the complex we are living in calls me today and tells me I was bullying the neighbor etc.. I argued the point cause honestly I had no idea how bad I was, but when the kids got out of school I asked them about it and my youngest said i wasnt being a bully but my oldest said, “You do owe her an apology, I don’t think you realize how in her face you were.”  Very sad moment :( 

I have been stable for a long while and I know my mood hasn’t been good but I had no idea how out of control it is.. so I will be talking to my Psychiatrist about meds this month. :(  Haven’t had to change meds for years, but I think it is time! :(

My true personality, minus the bipolar swings, is a nice person who wouldn’t want to hurt anyone or scare anyone… so I’m really disappointed today!  I have hand written a note to them and will place it on their door as I’m sure they wont answer the door to me after yesterday. 

Bottom line… I feel like a heel, and am very embarrassed!  How do I make it up to them? 

 

 

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My Search For Help..

When my first child was born, Samantha, I was in love with her from the moment she was conceived.  I wanted children so badly, really I wanted to be loved, but as she began to grow older I realized something was seriously wrong with me.  I have always been called a Bitch and assumed that label belonged as I was very hot-tempered and never happy.  Well I started having Rages… these Rages were like out-of-body experiences, I was seeing it happen but I was NOT in control.  I decided I would not treat my children the way I was treated as a child and went for help..  

First I went to my family physician, who gave me Prozac and sent me on my way.  Wow when I started this medication it was like a huge weight was lifted off my chest.  I told everyone how great it was I was so happy.   Well that was short-lived as my moods still swung wildly and it stopped working all together after a couple of months.

So back to the doctor I went and he gave me another medication and stopped the Prozac.  Well I can’t remember what medication it was because there have been so many since then.. :)  That didn’t work at all so I decided to change doctors, went to another family practitioner and he gave me yet another anti-depressant.  NO luck so back to him I went only to hear from him “I cannot help you, I need to refer you to a psychiatrist.”  Ugh so not what you want to hear but I said “fine who would you suggest.”   I was determined!!

So the first psychiatrist I saw seemed to know his stuff and discussed the medications available chose a couple he thought I should try then sent me on my way.  I went back for months till I got a little relief but he kept telling me I needed Electric Shock Therapy. I kept saying to him, we have so many medications to try I’m not doing Shock Therapy. he tells me its my last hope and I realized he didn’t have my file out and it  occurred  to me he had no idea who I was and wasn’t going to seriously help me.   He just kept saying it every appointment, keep in mind my depression was severe and he felt that I needed it.  No way, so here I go again in search of another doctor.. I went to several more doctors and several therapist.  This went on for years!

Ok back up a bit in the middle of all this I had my second child… What do you think happened at that point??…..  Yep my depression got even worse and my moods were horrific. From one moment to the next you had no idea what was gonna set me off but you knew something would.  I also stopped all medications when we decided we wanted another child so it was like starting over again. 

One of the Psychiatrists I saw actually threatened to take my kids away.  I had not physically abused them and was working so hard to get help.  I left his office very upset, called the therapist that worked under him and explained what happened.  All I could say to her was how can I trust you? How do I get help from you if I can’t be open and honest.  She assured me she didn’t feel I was going to hurt my children and she would talk to the doctor.  Obviously my safety net was gone and I couldn’t return to them as I couldn’t be treated that way again and I couldn’t be honest.  Honesty is the most important part of Therapy, if you aren’t open and honest you aren’t helping yourself. 

So off I went again looking for a new doctor….

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Bipolar & Relationships…

Have you had BAD relationships that you stuck with for an unknown reason?  I have!  My now ex-husband is one of them.

 Let me explain a bit; When I met my now ex-husband, it was through my brother (older).  They kept telling me how nice he was and how his wife walked out on him for her boss.  They had a one year old son and I felt bad for them.  Anyway, I met him and we had awesome chemistry and soon, very soon, decided we were in love.  What I didn’t realize was that I needed to belong somewhere, needed someone to love and someone to love me, but he wasn’t the one. 

Wanting to belong, and be loved was because I didn’t love me or even know me.  All I knew was this bipolar mind but I didn’t know about my illness it was still untreated.  Our relationship was rocky to say the least. We had this pull between us to each other but we didn’t agree on much and my moods got worse and worse.  I would fly off the handle at every turn over stupid things, like leaving the toilet seat up or the lid off the tooth paste, you just never knew what was next.  He didn’t and I didn’t know.   His little boy was adorable but we fought about him a lot. I wanted more rules for him and he wanted none.   

We began to live with each other almost immediately 3 months of dating and we were living together.  Not the best idea!  We were needy people and were in love, so we thought.   Many times of moving out and moving back in after fights, always me moving out.  We would fight and I would get into a rage and break down emotionally at the same time and I would pack my stuff and leave. I don’t know how many times that happened, it was many. 

We decided to have our first child in 1994, we were not married but i had no desire for marriage.  She was born 12/30/1995,  it took us a bit to conceive her.  He had just had back surgery (2nd one) November 29, 1995.  At the time I worked full-time at an insurance agency and only had 6 weeks to stay home.  My ex had to care for our baby till she was almost 1, even though he was in pain constantly.  He began taking more pain pills than he should have, and got really nasty.  We fought and fought but got through that time and decided in late 1997 to have another child.  She was born 02/07/1999.  

Backing up a bit.. When my first daughter was born my depression plummeted.  I had such horrible depression and I didn’t understand why.  My moods were up and down and I went into rages a lot, sometimes several times a day.  After about 3 yrs I began to realize this was just getting worse. Nothing had improved and I found myself raging about her room being messed up and things that in the scheme of life meant nothing.  I had no control, I had what I call out-of-body rages.  It was like I was watching myself do these things from above.  I never hurt her except with words and fear of me.  I think that is just as bad though.   I hated it and I set off to look for help… 

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Beginning to Date at 19…

I think I have established my level of depression and I didn’t know myself or like what I new about me! My friend was really bugging me about dating, I was 19 and never been out on a date… “What do I have to offer?” I said to her. I remember her laughing at me, She laughed a lot! She told me I had a lot to offer and we laughed together, how else would I respond?

She fixes me up with this guy, just come over and have dinner with us and him. Can you say Nervous Wreck?! After some coaxing I went, liked the man and dated him a few more times. I wasn’t ready to be intimate with anyone, emotionally anyway, and that what he wanted, so we dated for a short time. I remember I had not returned his call one night. It was late I was asleep, living alone, and I wake up to a banging on my windows and door. Scared me to death! It was him, and he was yelling that I was not being truthful and I had been out that night because my car hood was warm… I had been out to the store earlier and drove around the freeway a bit. At this time I had so much pent-up anger and frustration that I used to go drive around the freeways at 90+ miles an hour to release those feelings. I had been our driving our highways letting off steam! I always said if a man scared me I would never see him again. End of that!

Driving in my car was the only place I felt comfortable! I would drive around at a fast speed, cry and talk to myself in trying to work through my feelings and confusion. This was the only way I could get this rage out that swirled inside me, although it was a temporary fix. Adrenalin Junkie you could say! Today I am grateful that I never hurt anyone or myself in those tirades of driving! Thank you Lord!

I would lay in bed at night crying and hitting the pillow hating the way I felt and unable to control my emotions. This time was difficult for me, all those pent-up emotions from childhood were at the surface and I couldn’t always control it. I hated my mother, yet loved her too. I had night mares of someone holding me down but no one was there. I would wake up and be unable to move or make a sound, this happened many times a night. Yet I would wake up in the morning, go to work and pretend all was OK. Did you ever wonder why can I put on the face all day long and the second I enter my apartment I lose control of every emotion? I have wondered that many times!

Back to dating… I met another guy through my friend again, he was a nice man but I had no idea how to relate to a man. My father was distant emotionally with us kids and although we went with him most weekends he always took us to parties and we would sit in the corner and watch him drink and making a fool of himself. So here I am on a date with a nice man, he was successful and had his own condominium but I couldn’t even talk to him. Had a blank mind the entire time I was with him. I actually slept over at his house, without being intimate and that was really helpful for me but I still couldn’t talk to him. We drank a lot together and his friends were always there. I was VERY against drugs of any form and I was at his house, for a 4th of July party, and the guests were out front smoking pot. That was it for me I left drunk off my butt and barely made it home. Thankfully he lived close by. I never saw him again, he would call and I would tell him I was busy or not answer. It made me sad really, I desperately wanted someone to care about me!

I continued drinking on my own, alone at home. My brother, who was older, would buy me Rum and I would mix it with soda. My drinking was getting worse and I wasn’t eating at all. I had my 20th birthday party and my mother ordered a stripped, how embarrassing was that? I was so drunk that night tho and everyone had a great time, but my drinking was getting worse….

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As I Enter the World on my Own…

Have you had a serious fight with your mother before?? I sure have…I told you I worked for her for many years and that began to come to a close when she got angry for some unknown reason and came after me as I left work. She followed me into the hallway to the parking lot and was yelling at me, and she said “F**** You!” I happened to be holding a cup of soda, I turned around and said,”No, F*** You! and as I said that I threw my cup of soda at her. I had taken a lot of unnecessary bullying from my mother for years but now I was old enough it wasn’t going to continue. Shortly after that she closed the store as it was failing.

I lived alone for several years, after having a room-mate for 6 months and that not working out! I took a job in an insurance office and began to learn about all lines of insurance. I was making 1000.00 a month salary.. so I brought home 850.00 after taxes and my rent was 535.00 so I was only able to pay my bills. I went through a period of starving myself to lose weight and got very ill. I was off work for 3 weeks and almost lost my job. My depression was so deep and getting deeper by the day.

I was having a problem leaving my house. My anxiety was severe and hindering every move I made. I had terrible night mares and felt alone! I knew I was in trouble… I had to find a way to leave the house and not be in tears. I picked a drug store to go to when I felt that I couldn’t leave the house. I went there several times a day sometimes, trying to get rid of my anxiety. It took months but it really helped. I was really pushing people away. My one friend from high school took the brunt of my uncontrollable moods. To my surprise she loved me anyway, she was the one person in my life that could see the real me under the rage, depression, hypo-mania episodes and anxiety! She taught me I was worth while and lovable. Up to that time I didn’t think much of myself, honestly I hated myself!

That tornado of rage, pain, self hate and depression kept swirling inside me. I continued to get angrier and more reactive, my depression was in control. I could hear my mother’s voice at every turn telling me how useless I was and degrading me. Then my mood would swing and I would be annoyingly funny and happy. My moods swung rapidly and I was loosing more and more control. I was about 19 at this time, and really confused about Life!….

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As my Depression Progressed…

As the years went on my depression and moodiness got increasingly worse. I continued to withdraw from everyone and everything. I would walk through the hallways at school looking at the ground and NOT interacting with anyone. I had some nice people reach out but by high school I was so withdrawn I was like a robot. I didn’t know how to deal with my depression, had no self-esteem and lived in fear. I was afraid of how I would react to anything so I didn’t react at all. Unfortunately when I did I would rage and cry all at the same time. There was an incident in my Spanish glass where a kid was banging an empty desk between us on the back of my chair. I asked him to stop several times but then I lost it… I actually got up screamed at him and threw the desk across the room. Thankfully I didn’t hit anyone. The teacher sent him to the office. I was an emotional disaster area. Kids continued to use that against me and pick on me, I absolutely despised school!

High school was the hardest years for me in school. I withdrew so much that if anyone I did know would call out my name in a hallway I would completely ignore it and walk faster to my next class. I didn’t go to the lunch area for lunch I went to my next class and sat by the door and did homework. The anxiety of my illness was too much to take in a large group of people.

Then my second year of high school my mother made me get a job. That was really difficult as I couldn’t go out of the house alone unless I was going to school. I had been given a car that year but I had to pay for the costs. I attempted looking for a job but I didn’t get anywhere I was too shy and anxiety ridden to impress anyone. My mother knew someone in a local mall that new the owner of an ice cream store and they helped me get a job. I got through the interview and he hired me. That was the end of the school year so I was able to work many hours. It was difficult but I began to realize work

Me on 15th birthday!

was a great thing. It helped me feel worth while. Not like a ‘normal’ person but it got easier and easier to go to work, yet I couldn’t get gas in my car with out someone going with me. I had such high anxiety! If I tried to go to the gas station alone I would drive by it many times then go home hoping I would run out of gas. I was able the next school year to take 2 work experience classes so I was out of school at noon and working till 11pm. I loved it!

My moodiness continued to increase. I didn’t have tolerance for immature people or for people making fun of others. After some time I earned a promotion to assistant manager at the ice cream store. We had some girls that worked their that would actually make fun of the mentally handicapped when they were in the store. It was horrible they did weird gesture right in front of them and it would set me off. I told them many times to stop. It wasn’t good for the business and it was wrong to make fun of a person with a disability. They persisted and this one girl was the worst one and I pulled her aside one day and told her to stop it. She went out and continued to do it and I call her over, she was still doing it and I lost it. I actually smacked her across her face! Don’t get me wrong she deserved it but you cannot do that to people, I just lost it.

My employer obviously had a stern talk with me and I cried the entire time. I could not control my emotions no matter how hard I tried. He did not fire me, thank goodness. I worked their for years, then my mother opened a cosmetics store in another mall not too far away… She wanted me to work with her but I had to interview with her current husband who was jerk. I given the job and worked for her for a couple of years. You can imagine the relationship with my mother as an employer was not easy. Well difficult to say the least…..

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